As the world mourns the passing of Nelson Mandela and honors the extraordinary legacy of his extraordinary life, the message that it shared – of courage, resilience, forgiveness and commitment to a cause bigger than oneself – has no less relevance for each of us today than it had during the height of the apartheid era.
While research has found that women have an edge over men when it comes to expressing their emotions and perceiving the emotions in those around them, men are better at compartmentalizing emotions so an upset in one area doesn’t spill over into other areas. However, regardless of your gender or how well you have managed your emotions in the past, the good news is that you are never too old (or too young) to build your emotional intelligence. In fact, it’s one of the few things that actually improves with age!
We live in an era of entitlement, blame and finger pointing. Too few people are willing to take responsibility for the state of their lives, too many are happy to lay it at the feet of others. Only when you own your power to affect change, can you ever create the life you truly want. It begins by taking a good hard look in the mirror and owning how your choices have shaped your reality.
The quality of our relationships is built on the quality of the conversations we have in them. Too often though we play safe and avoid the possibility of an awkward conversation — too raw, too difficult, too sensitive, too risky, too uncomfortable, too much effort. As a result we stick with a status quo we aren’t really happy about. Sometimes for decades. And all because we’re afraid. But at what cost? Here are 7 keys to speaking up about the issues that are weighing you down and holding you back.
Putting off changes and playing it safe doesn’t make you more secure, it makes you less so. Every worthwhile endeavour involves taking a plunge into an unknown and uncertain future. There is no guarantee that a change you will make or a chance you will take will result in the outcome that you want. Anyone who tells you otherwise is either delusional or lying. But one thing is guaranteed: not making changes, not taking chances and sticking with the status quo is not going to make you happier in the long term. More likely it will only make you less happy, and more frustrated or resentful, than you are right now.
Marriage doesn’t have to be all hard work, but unless you are committed to working at your marriage, it’s unlikely to last the long haul (or at least be one you enjoy being in.) As I reflect on the last twenty years of married life, here are seven ways to help keep love alive and your marriage strong.
Holding a grudge can be self-satisfying, but it always hurts us far more than the person we’re holding it against. At risk of sounding like a preacher, you must learnt to forgive. Doing so isn’t about them; it’s about you. It’s about deciding that you no longer want to carry negative emotions from an event in your past forward in to your future. You’ll take the learning, but you’ll leave the resentment behind.
“I got three messages,” said Diana Nyad as she crawled out of the water in Key West after her epic swim from Cuba. “One is, we should never give up. Two is, you’re never too old to chase your dreams. Three is, it looks like a solitary sport, but it’s a team.” It’s a message that holds wisdom for us all, particularly those of us who often think we’re too old from pursuing dreams that seem audaciously big.
The old adage “It’s not what you know, but who you know” no longer holds true. Nowadays, it’s not what you know, nor who you know – it’s who knows what you know.” Tooting your horn is about strategically building your ‘personal brand’ to ensure that those who can help you accomplish more in your career, know not just who you are, but the value you have (and want) to contribute. Failing to toot your horn – with the right people, in the right way, and at the right time – doesn’t serve anyone.
I realized this morning that I cannot let this month slip by without acknowledging the milestone that it represents. You see it was ten years ago, in August 2003, while I was living in Coppell (Dallas) Texas, when I officially began my second career and hung out the shingle out as an “executive life coach.”
It was a month before the phone rang. Two months before I had my first client.
I have to confess, I excel at going fast. I’m not so good at slowing down (except from exhaustion at day’s end). In fact, I find sitting still and being silent much harder than running around like a blue-ass fly. But as I have to remind myself time and time again, How does all my busy ‘doing’ undermine who I am ‘being’? If in my haste to pack as much as I can into a day I am not present to my gorgeous kids, or not really listening to my husband as he shares his day, then it comes back to the question “Busy for the sake of what?”
While speaking at a conference in Shanghai recently, I got to meet many women from around the globe. Smart women. Hard-working women. Women aspiring to do more, be more and lead more. Women who also sometimes doubt whether they can.
BUT HERE’S THE DEAL: We women cannot achieve what we’re capable of doing by staying safe in our comfort zone. The common thread that binds the most powerful women is their willingness to take risks, to speak up and to take action in the presence of doubt and uncertainty, rather than stick to a safer path.
I have met many “self-help gurus” over the years. Only a few have lived up to their marketing or my expectations. On Saturday however I got to spend the day with a man whose words inspired me to travel a new path in my own work and life – Dr Wayne Dyer. By the time he hobbled off the stage I was left with no doubt that he is truly a man driven by a deep desire to give, and not by a need to be glorified. HIs way of being spoke even more powerfully than his words of wisdom. Which begs the question: how does your ‘way of being affect’ those around you? It speaks more loudly than our words ever can.
Resilience is crucial to our success in the bigger game of life. Not only does resilience help us to cope better with major crisis and traumatic experiences, but it helps us cope better with the smaller, more mundane, events and circumstances that often take the biggest toll on our health and happiness on a daily basis.
Athletes, educators, corporate heavyweights, religious ministers – none of us are immune to the temptation to surrender self-respect for self-interest. All of must remain vigilant about whether we are stepping into a slippery grey zone that is often hard to retreat from. Integrity doesn’t come in shades of grey. Living and leading with integrity means that we must tune into our conscience to guide our decisions, and refuse to compromise on what we know is right regardless of how inconvenient, costly or politically inexpedient it may be. That doesn’t mean we don’t work to find mutually agreeable solutions with those around us; it just means we don’t sell out to our principles for the sake of our ego, our status, our hold on power, or bank account.
While no-one I know has ever had relatives executed or brutally tortured, few people I know have escaped loss, hardship or heartache. The truth is that wherever we live, life will bring its fair share of struggle, sorrow and setbacks. As I was reminded time and time again in recent weeks, while our adversities can shape our lives, they don’t have to define them. Rather we have to make a conscious choice how we will respond to life when it fails to conform to our plans, our hopes and our expectations.
When I took on the role of “Kyle Comfort Services Manager” I couldn’t afford to be too proud. I had bills to pay, and wanted to save money for more adventure travel. Yet I constantly encounter people who let a false sense of ‘pride’ – driven by a fear of losing face and maintaining a certain image in the eyes of others – keep them from doing things that would ultimately serve them.
While the future may be looking very uncertain for Nigella, one thing is not. That the pain in her private life is now in the public domain and that millions are cheering her on to be the strong woman we’ve always seen her to be – not just in the kitchen, but in her life beyond it.
Martin Luther King Jr once said, “You don’t have to see the whole stair case, just the first steps.” And so when it comes to doing something that leaves a wide cavernous gap between where you are now and where you ultimately want to be, don’t think that you need to know how to bridge it before you take the first step forward.
What matters most is knowing the direction you want to head, even if you aren’t clear on a specific end-point destination (I sure wasn’t at eighteen!) Once you know the direction, then think about what you would like to be doing 12 months from now that would be moving you toward it. Then think about what you’d be doing 6 months from now. Then 2 months from now. Then 2 weeks from now. Then tomorrow. Then today.
Life rewards action!
As our online networks have grown ever more expansive, our relationships offline have thinned, leaving many people feeling more alone with fewer confidents than they had in the era “B.F.” (Before Facebook.) As social media appeals to our vanity and vulnerability, we must be vigilant not to hide behind the technology in communicating with the people around us, escaping the ‘real work’ of addressing the issues which arise in real (and truly authentic) relationships.
