As I awoke this morning I remembered it was my brother Peter’s birthday. He would have been 35 today. The last time I spoke to him was on his 31st birthday… four years ago today.
I remember trying to call him. I was at home in Virginia. He was in a psychiatric hospital in Sydney half a world away. I remember when I finally got through to his ward and a fellow inpatient got him to come to the phone saying Happy Birthday Pete. As the words came out of my mouth I knew there was very little happy about it. This wasn’t the first birthday Peter had spent in a psychiatric ward. He woke up on his 21st birthday in a psych hospital ten years earlier.
In the previous ten years Peter had developed a severe case of paranoid schizophrenia. While there were times when he wasn’t doing so badly, over the years they grew shorter and further in between. And each time he descended into tormented madness, he never quite got back to his former best.
All the while the dreams and ambitions that my tall handsome brother Pete had held for his life gradually disappeared, replaced with despair, shame, paranoia and ultimately, complete hopelessness. I’ve often thought how glad I was that back in 1999 when Peter went psychotic for the first time that none of us knew what lay ahead. I don’t think any of us – my mum or dad or five other brothers and sisters – could have coped knowing the agonizing heartache and absolute anguish that would come.
When Peter took his life on April 2nd, 2010, it was because he had given up any hope that life would ever get better. While none of us liked to admit it, we all had. His medications had minimal effectiveness to quiet the demons the tormented him day ad night. Formerly a superb athlete, Peter had become quite overweight, unfit and slow in his speech, reactions, and movements. He’d lost much of his former charm and wit, of which he’d had plenty.
As I spoke to Peter that last time, he asked about my kids. He always loved to hear how they were, particularly Lachlan who, like Pete, was passionate about his basketball. He knew he’d never be a star on the court again. He knew he’d never star at anything again. He was well aware of the giant chasm between the life he was living and the life he’d once dreamt of. Seeing old school mates and friends was too painful. Shame and humiliation were his constant companions.
While Peter wasn’t always easy to love during his illness he was always so loved by his family. He was living with my sister Pauline and her husband Mark and their three children when he decided to leave this world. And while we all grieved his death, what we grieved most of all was the life he never got to live. The one comfort we had was that Peter no longer suffered, that at last in death his mind could find the peace it could never find in living. We also knew that he always knew we’d never stopped loving him, even when he was at his most unlovable.
Mental illness carries so much stigma. Too much stigma. While there is no shame taking a time off work after a bout of pneumonia, sharing that you have a mental illness is still an act of profound courage for the judgment people expose themselves to.
I have been blessed not to suffer from mental illness but I have lost dear friends and my dear brother to it, and have seen the suffering it can cause for those around them. Sharing Peter’s long tormented struggle with a bumper dose of paranoid schizophrenia has made me incredibly compassionate toward all who suffer from any illness that messes with people’s minds, torments their lives and creates immense anguish and heartache for all who care for them. Compassionate for those who try to support them too. It is a heavy cross for all.
Next time you hear of an innocent person who is murdered by someone with a mental illness, I would love you to think about the perpetuator not as the brutal heartless villain, but as a victim also. While Peter never killed anyone, when his illness was in overdrive and he was truly ‘out of his mind’ he might have. I will be forever grateful Peter, nor my family, ever had to take on the additional burden of such a tragedy. Grateful for everyone else in the world too.
As you read this now, it’s likely you know someone who suffers from some form mental illness (stats show 20% of adults will suffer from some form of mental illness every year.) I would ask that you not judge them, but extend to them your compassion. They carry a heavy load. Each time we extend our compassion, not our judgment, we make it that little bit lighter.
POST SCRIPT: My youngest sister Cath shared the above post with my mum today, and mum sent me the email that follows. I share it with you here with my beautiful mum’s blessing as I know her faith and courage will touch and lift you as it has touched and lifted me.
Dear Margie,
Thank you for honouring our beloved Peter so beautifully on his birthday, and sharing the reality of the terribly devastating illness that he suffered from.
Time is truly a healing gift in life, and I thank God for it being so, as unending sadness and grief must be too enormous a burden to carry for a life time. We carry now a life time of love and laughter , of pride and generosity, of hope and hard earned knowledge and experience, all shaped around our dearly loved son and brother Pete.
Sometimes I begin to think along the “If only we had known or understood sooner ” line, but, as you have already written,I don’t think I/we could have coped or believed that Peters journey would be so awfully hard and sad.
So today I remember the gift of Peter to Ray and myself and to his loving, laughing, teasing, annoying, thoughtful and always very close six siblings. I thank God for all that the gift of Pete brought to our lives… that love can bear all things, that love never gives up hope,
and that love never dies. I believe so surely that Peter remembers and loves us all,and rejoices in the Gods peace.
Thank you again Margie. Mum x
Here is a video made for Peter’s funeral. Other links to related articles are also listed below.
Dear Margie,
Thanks so much for sharing Peter’s story. I’m sorry for your loss. You are honoring his legacy in your writing, and helping save the lives of others.
I lost my brother to suicide last September. He took his life after a short-but-severe fight with depression. We were very close–I was the last person he called before he passed away. You’re quite right about the stigma associated with depression and mental illness. I hope one day we get to a point where we treat those suffering from mental illness with more compassion and less judgment, as you suggest. It should be considered just as any other malady.
Thanks again, and all best wishes to you and your family.
–Kristina Cowan
HI Kristina
I’m so sorry to hear about your brother. I know it must have been so heartbreaking for you and all your family.
Thanks for sharing and thanks for doing your bit to help break down the stigma surrounding depression and so many other mental illnesses.
Stay strong and brave. Your brother would be proud.
Margie
Thank you, Margie, for discussing this important issue. My brother suffers from undiagnosed mental illness, and I have no idea if he will ever seek help for it. It’s like waiting for a bomb to go off, not knowing when the explosion will occur. The stigma and lack of education on the topic make it very difficult for families to appropriately deal with. By bringing mental illness out of the shadows and continuing the conversation, I hope that one day more people will have the courage to seek help.
Dear Margie,
Thank you for your piece on Peter and his struggle with Mental Illness. I, like many others, are sorry for your loss.
Reading your story, I have been reminded again of the recent story here in Melbourne, of Luke Batty, the young boy tragically killed by his Father at cricket practice.
This story has touched me profoundly. I am not sure what can be done, or could have been done, to stop this from happening. I am absolutely certain though, we must do what we can to stop this from happening again.
This means finding the courage to talk about Mental Health, about abuse in all of its forms, about society’s systems that are failing and about truly protecting the most vulnerable, be they victims of crime, perpetrators, or the mentally ill.
I believe you are right in that there is such a stigma attached to Mental Illness. If we can be brave enough to push through the boundaries (if and when we see them) to assist those who need help and assistance, maybe we can be a part of a society that really does care about each other.
There are ways we can look out for each other and there are ways we can seek assistance – we need to follow our gut feelings and our genuine concerns. We need to step out of our comfort zones too.
The sad reality, as you have seen, is that sometimes regardless of all the care and concern we can muster, it still may not be enough.
Thank you for starting the conversation.
Thank you Peter. Yes, sometimes desipte all the care and love we give, it is still not enough. But I know that if those suffering from mental illness felt less afraid about acknowledging it, sharing it and asking for help, it would make a very real difference in many many lives. Perhaps not all lives, and perhaps not for my own Peter, but for many.
I encourage anyone who struggles with mental illness, or supports someone else who is, to be brave in sharing about it. The more openly we share, without shame or embarrassment, the easier it is for others to do the same.
Margie – I just saw you a few hours ago at the kids basketball and this afternoon I read your moving story about your beloved brother Peter. You are spot on regarding mental illness and how prevalent it is in our community. Two of my best friends at school were twin brothers. We had such a blast as kids and then tragically first Peter and then Daniel committed suicide. But as my wise sister Jane said “They didn’t kill themselves….they were killed by an illness”. That helped me get my head around it. And helps us focus on doing what we can to help others with a mental illness. Beyondblue is a fantastic organisation that is both educating the general public on issues such as mental illness, depression and anxiety and also provides support to sufferers and their family. I recommend them to anyone looking for help.
Thanks Malcolm.
Beyond Blue does such incredibly important work here in Australia where so many people suffer in silence and often feel afraid to share their struggle. The more we break down the stigma surrounding depression and mental illness, the less difficult it will be for those who need support to reach out and ask for it. Thanks for sharing. mxx
Margie
Thinking of you today. With both brothers long sufferers of mental illness and one with substance abuse, I’ve lived many years wondering when it may end horrifically. Now seeing my son on the same road, I’ll do anything to help him and change the course of destiny.
Ange x
Ange, I know it must be so heart wrenching to see men you love so much suffer so badly, and sometimes, make choices, that only worsen their misery. Please take extra care of yourself so that you are can be strong for those you need to take care of. YOu are such a blessing in their life.
Thank you for sharing,
Margie
Margie, Through tears, our heartfelt sadness is with all Peter’s family – especially his parents. None of us can even pretend to understand his torment but you are right Margie – we can at least try to consciously extend more compassion in all facets of our lives every day. We bet Peter is looking down on his beautiful family relieved he is remembered not just today, but every day, by each of you that loved him dearly. Thank you for sharing Cath – in sadness and with love, Nina & Gus xx
Nina thank you for your big heart and beautiful words. mx
Hi Margie,
It has been a long time since we chatted. You and I talked and arranged for you to speak at our National Sales meeting when I was with Covidien.
I love your news letters and find them inspiring as they resonate with real world topics and not just fluff.
Your story about your brother Peter is both sad and informative.
Also good luck on your exercising routine, I am running my first 1/2 marathon in April.
Cheers,
Tracy
Words cannot express Margie how proud, inspired and humbled I was to witness in a small way, how your family supported, loved and encouraged each other, as well as Pete, through his illness, and again, after his pain ended. I’m emotional just thinking about it. Pete knew how very loved he was.
Such a moving, real and beautifully put post.
Happy Birthday Pete xx
Jess, you are so beautiful. Thank you for the love you always share. It’s friends like you that make the tough times that bit easier to endure. mxx
Dear Margie,
Thinking of you lovely Kleinitz family today. Such a great piece you have written about Pete and also mental illness. Pete was so lucky he had such a supportive and loving family. Growing up with Pete he was such an enthusiastic and outgoing kid and teen. He was such a star at basketball and any sport he put his hand on. Later on when he was probably around 22 watching Pete play football it was so sad to watch as you could see that mental illness was eating him up destroying his confidence on and off the field this would have been so heartbreaking for him but he still amazed us that he gave it a go.
Sending love to your family.
Leigh Hunter (Stephenson)
Thank you Leigh.
Yes, as Peter’s illness took hold and the ‘real’ Pete slipped away, it was sometimes hard to remember who is truly was – without the havoc his illness played on his mind and body.
THanks for helping us remember him as the young man he was… when he was still filled with ambition and a love of life.
margie
Dear Margie
Thank you for this message about Peter. I remember like yesterday when he died. My heart went out to all your wonderful family then as it does today. Sharing your experience might help chip away at the toxic stigmas surrounding mental illness. Well done friend.
Love from chilly Virginia,
Michellle
Thank you Michelle. I can always count on you to extend compassion rather than judgement. Sending love your way from sunny Melbourne old friend! xo
Dear Margie
I have been with my husband for over 30 years now and we love with the “black dog”. Loving him is at times not easy, will he be there when I get home, will he be alive? Is he off his meds? Then other times he shows what it is like to be alive through such a different set of eyes. His depression is a mish mash of being a gift and being a curse.
We have been through a lot together and often talked about why he doesn’t want to be here at times, why he thinks he would be better off without him. My constant words to him are that I love him and our children love him, there would be a huge void in our lives that would be so hard to fill.
A very very dear friend suicided a few years ago. Leading up to this was the most harrowing experience we have been through as a family, supporting her, hospitalizing her and watching her self harm and then try to pull away from us before making several unsuccessful attempts at suicide. I miss her every day. I think now reflecting on it her greatest gift to us was that my husband now understands how painful it is for those left behind that loved and still love her.
He is now open to tell others his story in the hope that he might help others and reduce the stigma around mental illness.
My heart goes out to you Margie. Keep talking and keep sharing.
Love Kirstie
Kirstie, Thank you for sharing you incredibly moving story of love and loss, of heartache and healing. Sending love your way. Keep being the source of strength and courage you are for your family. I am sure you make an enormous difference in many lives.
Margie
Mental illness is an illness like (or worse than) any other. My Dad spent his entire professional life trying to help those who struggled with the disease. It is a taxing endeavor. You are right that the mentally ill deserve recognition and help. They are like you and me but sometimes not. Imagine that. Support organizations to help the mentally ill.
Dear Margie,
Thank you for sharing such a wonderful tribute to Peter and raising awareness of the illness he battled. My first serious girlfriend from thirty years ago recently took her life in Hobart. This was a huge shock to me as I adored her and only knew her as a happy, cheeky girl who was full of life. I discovered she had been managing a depressive illness and had been trying to manage various challenges in her life. It seems senseless that she should take such drastic action and I am still in shock about it.
Thanks again, Margie. Your message needs to be heard far and wide.
Ross
So beautifully written Margie, and the addition of your mum’s email really drives your message home. Like you, I have been blessed with mental health and wellbeing, but know those whose blessings have been different.
Jane Teresa
Margie
A wonderful tribute to your brother Pete , as I read this I’m as well dealing with a family member who because of drug abuse in his teens been tourmented with schizophina for past 25 years living in and out of hospitals etc , Michael Jonh is his name I have in the past 2 months reconnected with him , I wish I could wave a wand and make things better , he has been seeing a new doctor who s been awesome for him hopefully be. An live a more peaceful life within himself his family and friends help out when they can .
Robert
Dear Margie
Thank you for your beautiful blog about Peter and his journey with mental illness.
I send love and light to Pauline, Peter and your whole family often and especially around the anniversary of his passing,
For many this world is too painful and as you said they also feel there is no hope! Thank you for sharing with so much compassion and love! I am truly blessed to have connected with Pauline at uni and through that the wisdom and love of her whole family.
Tonight in Albury/ wodonga Australia my friend is organising the 2nd winter solstice Survivors of Suicide SOS- her 15 yr old daughter left this world 4 yrs ago
I am thankful I was guided to your Blog this morning! With much love and gratitude, Shelly xx