Forgive me if this post is a little raw. Life has been raw for me these last couple weeks.
My youngest brother Peter (above, with my kids) died just over two weeks ago and I’ve been living life at its rawest ever since.
Pete, who was 31, suffered from schizophrenia for the last ten years. All mental illnesses cause enormous suffering for those who have them and incredible heartache and angst for those who love them. Peter, number 6 of the 7 kids in my family, was very loved by our family and we all did the very best we could, each in our own way, to help him. Over the last decade, as Pete returned to hospital again and again, his dreams crashed to earth, his enjoyment of life disappeared and his hopes of ever living a fulfilling life gave way to severe paranoia, to ceaseless torment, to despair and, on Good Friday, to death.
As I type these words I am sitting on a plane high above the Pacific returning back to America from Australia where I’ve shed more tears with my family than I thought were possible. But in the midst of our sorrow, we have laughed at the fun times we shared with Peter — his boyish pranks, his humor, his brilliant athleticism and charm. We have been lifted up by the extraordinary outpouring of love from friends, family and community, near and far. We have savored the rich bonds of love that come to the fore during times of heartache. It has been a deeply moving, and extremely touching, two weeks.
Peter’s funeral last Tuesday was beautiful. Several people came up to me afterward to say it was the most inspiring funeral they’d ever attended. As hundreds gathered with us to mourn his death, we celebrated his life and joined together in faith that Peter’s spirit is now in peace. But ahhhh… death is so final and burying someone you love so confronting to the mind and wrenching to the heart.
I have written before about sadness and the importance of acknowledging it. There is nothing happy about having someone you love suffer from an illness you cannot cure. There is nothing happy about saying a last goodbye. It is sadness, pure and true. And while my sadness is mine alone, inevitably we all find ourselves in circumstances that give rise to sorrow, grief and a deep sense of loss. After all, that is what it is to be a human being. None of us can avoid it, however hard we try, however safe we play it, however strong we try to be.
So I have not tried to be strong this last week. I have cried and wailed and sobbed like a child. My brother Peter is gone and I will never see him again… at least not during my years on earth. And while I will grow old and my skin will wrinkle, my eyesight will fade and my hair turn gray, Peter will remain forever young. When I spoke to him last month on his birthday, in the hospital again, he said he looked forward to shooting hoops with my oldest son Lachlan on our trip back home to Australia in July. However unwell Pete has been, he never stopped being a loving uncle and making my kids laugh (see the picture above of him with my four children taken two years ago). And so I shed another tear that he will never shoot another hoop and that my children will never play with their Uncle Pete again. (You can watch the slideshow we created of Peter for his funeral at this link)
Whatever your beliefs about what happens after death, there is no escaping that death brings with it a finality that can be hard to comprehend. I know that in death Peter has found the peace that eluded him in life, but that thought doesn’t stop my sadness. At least not yet. And while I know my tears don’t help Peter, they do connect me to that which matters most to me in life — to those I love, to the blessings I have in life and to the many magnificent people I share it with. I am more acutely aware than ever that life is a precious and temporary gift and that it is our responsibility to make the most of it; to do the best we have with whatever hand we have been given.
And while I’d like to think I will never experience grief again, I know that is not so. For all of life is about letting go what has been, embracing what is and opening our hearts wide to our hopes for tomorrow. If there is a lesson for me from this experience (and I hope for you also), it is to live each day, each moment more deeply, to experience it more fully, and to dare pursuing our dreams more boldly.
If my words have stirred anything in you, may it be a deepened awareness for the love, the people and the gifts in your own life. There will always be elements of your life that aren’t as you’d ideally like them to be. Embrace them as fully as you would those which are exactly as you want. They all combine to create the rich tapestry that is your life. That is our shared experience of life.
Pete never lived the life he had imagined for himself up to his early twenties. He never realized the exciting ambitions that fuelled his youth, never played professional sport, never established a successful career, travelled the world or drove a cool sport car. And yet his life, and the suffering he had to endure, affected the lives of those who loved him in ways we could never have imagined. He taught us to be patient, he taught us to be compassionate, he taught us not to judge those who suffer mental illness, he taught us to love without condition and to give without expectation of return. And in the end, he taught us that life can end suddenly, sadly but that love never does.
For that, I will be forever grateful. And as more tears find their way down my cheeks in the weeks, and likely the years to come when my family gather together, less one, I will offer up to God all my tears, knowing that by connecting with what makes me most sad, it also connects me with what brings me most joy. Our lives, like all great masterpieces, require the darkness in order to highlight the light.
Until next time, feel deeply, love boldly and embrace all of life, however raw.
Question: What lesson did you take away from a loss in your life which caused you sadness and sorrow?
Margie, so sorry for your loss. Take care.
wow, Margie! what an incredibly moving article. I am so sorry for your loss of your brother. I also admire your ability to articulate your feelings and offer guidance to others at the same time. You have a beautiful talent that brings encouragement and inspiration to others!
warmly,
Linda P
Oh Margie. I am really sorry for your lose. It is terrible to loose someone close to us. What is hard is that whether we like it or not, life still goes on. The kids need to be fed, we need to take care of our day to day things, we have people that call us that have no idea what is going on in our lives.
But I agree with you that feeling that sadness does make room, eventually to the wonderful memories that you shared with your brother.
It's when we try to repress our feelings of grief that we hurt ourselves and others more than anything. What a great role model you are for your four children, to show them that it's OK to grieve openly, to feel the sadness and loss, but also acknowledge what makes life so wonderful, one day at a time.
Condolences to you and your family.
Claudette
Wow. I am speechless. Utterly beautiful. I met you a couple of months ago in Georgetown at a Ladies of DC event (you were the main speaker). You had an amazing presence in person, and have equally in your writing. My utmost sympathy to you and your family. Thank you for sharing.
Just the other day,I was thinking I hadn't received any of Margie's jottings recently. Today this one pops up.
Significant because my family is two weeks shy of the anniversary of my brother's death. His name was Peter. He is the "baby" in our family – number 6 of 6. He suffered from adolescence into adulthood with clinical depression and bi-polar disease. It is raw when you come close to actual date of the death and you recall the shock, the punch in the gut that it it brought, and yes, all the tears. But during all the months in betweeen we as a family have looked for and tried to celebrate his soul and his heart – all the goodness and love he was. We tell stories, we ask questions of ourselves, miss him always, and as crazy as it sounds – talk to him constantly. And so it goes. I wonder about this message today. Aside from the connectedness it brings, I have to believe that underneath it all, this is more than a coincidence. I'm going to think on that now.
My heart goes out to you Margie. My oldest brother, Jerry (he was number 2 of 8 kids and I was number 8) ended his life 17 years ago. I still remember receiving that phone call as if it were yesterday. I understand the rawness and pain you feel. And like you, I have happy memories I hold on to and though I am tearing up as I type this I have healed and I too know he's at peace. I actually wrote him a letter after his death and that helped me to say goodbye. I still miss him so much, though.
You and your family are in my prayers.
Margie – so sorry for the loss to you and your family. Thank you for writing this powerful post.
Margie, thank you for sharing so openly. You write so beautifully and I could not help but feel very touched by your words. I too have lost a sibling who died before their time. I miss them still despite the passage of time. I know your family will always miss your brother Peter but that, with time, you will be able to speak about him without the stab of grief. Thank you again for such a powerful and uplifting post.
Oh Margie. I am really sorry for your lose. It is terrible to loose someone close to us. What is hard is that whether we like it or not, life still goes on. The kids need to be fed, we need to take care of our day to day things, we have people that call us that have no idea what is going on in our lives.
But I agree with you that feeling that sadness does make room, eventually to the wonderful memories that you shared with your brother.
It’s when we try to repress our feelings of grief that we hurt ourselves and others more than anything. What a great role model you are for your four children, to show them that it’s OK to grieve openly, to feel the sadness and loss, but also acknowledge what makes life so wonderful, one day at a time.
Condolences to you and your family.
Claudette
Margie, my love thanks for being the inspiration to yourself, family and friends all over the world. As I read your article it was like we were in your home you had allowed me in your personal space with your family. I find this deeply touching.
I lost my dad on October 13, 2009 in Monrovia, Liberia West Africa and I thought my whole world had shattered and was wondering how I was going to survive the pain. I thought my divorce from my husband was devasting and painful but quickly found out loosing my dad was not as close because he was my anchor and role model.
The memory of your brother, Peter lives forever and I just could not help but feel the energy when you mentioned the love and support he received from the family and all those who supported you all doing the time of beravement. Extend my symphathy to the rest of your family and you all are in my prayers. Thanks for helping other see peace and joy even when they are in the mourning stage. I do not know you personally but is connected with you through our energy field. Be bless my love!
My deepest and sincere condolences to you and your family.
It is a sad thing too reflect on the “Nagle Years” and be able to name many past students that have sucumbed to mental illness and those that are still in the fight, barely. I know the anguish, confusion, anger and sadness your family have felt and experienced first hand with Pauline when I was required to attend to Peter a couple of years ago (I’m a Paramedic and went right through Nagle with Pauline).
Whats the answer? Is there one? You will always have those happy memories that put a smile on your face when you think of him.
Simon
Dearest Margie,
I'm so sorry at the death of your sweet brother. My heart goes out to you and my prayers will go up for you in your time of loss. Your article was beautifully written in your heartbreak, and yet so full of hope, faith, and encouragement. Thank you for sharing your raw feelings as they serve to guide the rest of us as we live this joy-filled and pain-filled life.
We certainly can all use reminders and challenges to live each moment as boldly and lovingly as possible! I am very blessed to know you.
God bless you,
Your friend,
Matthew
Margie,
Sorry for the loss of your brother and thank you for sharing it out with all of us. Your are a true inspiration to many and your articles always uplifting. I'll remember you in prayers and you remain special in my heart.
Margie, you have a gift with words and I am just very thankful that you use it to help so many people navigate the challenges of life. You have made yourself very vulnerable in this post, and in diong what you do and I commend you for that. You truly are walking the path of courage. Thank you and bless you. Robin
Your most beautiful words ever! Dear Margie: This morning I turned on facebook having not logged on in some time and was saddened to read about the loss of your brother, Peter. Thank you so much for sharing such a deeply personal situation and having the courage to speak openly about the disease of mental illness.As I write this to you, I too shed tears —- I can personally relate to your family's circumstances with the loss of someone so close. My own mother suffered with a similar disease, and despite all we tried to do for her and all the love and care we gave, in the end she recently too, lost her battle at an early age, sadly never really lived a "normal" life — (she additionally had to live with her new diagnosis of Alzheimers as well…the two diseases combined were next to impossible to manage with any quality of life.) I became her legal guardian by the time I was 25.
However, today I no longer cry for my own loss, but for knowing that some one else and their family is coping with such a profound loss is what brings the tears. I am truly sorry for you & your family…..and, of course, for Peter. Thank you for having the courage to speak so movingly & openly about the raw emotions (such perfect words). Thank you for being able to articulate the sadness regarding your children's feelings and what this will mean to them. My own son grew up loving his grandmother very much despite she was not a "traditional" grandma….there were still sweet memories — never to be had again. While the subject of death is imminent for children sooner or later, circumstances such as these are doubly difficult, because our loved one's lives were so full of struggle, despite having a very loving family.
May the day come when we, as a society, have the courage to speak more openly about such diseases —- there are so many families that can benefit from a post such as yours.
I wish you great strength in the hard days ahead. Stephanie
Hi Margie,
I am so sorry to hear about Peter, I live in Bairnsdale and haven't read a paper for weeks and i am so very sorry for the loss of Peter. I read your beautiful article and felt very moved. I will say the pain will ease but never go. It might be a song, smell, action or a certain time of the year that will trigger very heartfelt memories that will reduce you to tears in seconds. As i sit here writing this message to you crying, it has just gone 12 years since i buried my husband ,as i was 6 months pregnant with 2 small children under 4 years left to raise on my own i felt cheated. But the hurt and the pain runs very very deep and until you have experienced the loss of a loved one especially so young you cannot explain it. All i can say is keep smiling, remember the good times and give your kids the biggest hug you can.
To answer your question about lessons learned, i believe Life is precious, enjoy every day, and dont get bogged down in the small stuff. Keep smiling Margi. Love Kim (Hodge) Clemm
My dearest margie,
I was very saddened to receive your newsletter today about you brother, and I am so sorry for your lost and pain.
As always, you manage to create something wonderful and sharing for others and live your belief of choosing your response no matter the circumstances and I salute you. Like I wrote on my page for the world to see, you truly are one of my personal heroes and I think of you often.
I am sending you my love and my condolences, along with prayers for your family and your brother's beautiful soul.
All my love,
Riki
Margie,
I am so… so… sorry for your loss.
Your blog really touched me.
The lesson I took away from loss in my life?
•To put down the cell, close the laptop, and be in the moment with people.
• To feel the pain, sit in it, and remember the good times as well.
•To grieve and do not bury the pain because if I bury it, it stays alive and colors future decisions
•To quickly forgive others in order to stay connected with life and people especially when going through difficult situations
•To meet and connect with those you share a connection like Margie Warrell
Thank you for the courage to share your sorrow
Thank you Cindy. I appreciate your thoughtful words.
Cindi-what a wonderful synopsis. I share in your lessons and connection to Margie! Like Margie, I lost my brother this year, too…her words and expression couldn't be more comforting, especially as I struggled to articulate those of my own.
Thanks AMy.
You speak from the heart and I value your advice. Sorry that you have lost your brother, cherish the memories. You have touched my heart with your words of wisdom and experience, thanks for allowing me to shed tears and reflect on what really matters.
I really like your writing style, wonderful info , regards for putting up : D. Thomas Sabo Charms find a way to keep it attractive http://www.92bowen.com/forum.php?mod=viewthread&a…
Thanks Thomas. I try to find the right balance between writing from the heart, and sharing practical advice that people can apply in their day to day lives. So glad it resonated.
I almost never leave a response, but i did some searching and
wound up here Embracing Sorrow So We Can Savor Joy |
Margie Warrell | Live & Lead with Courage | Bestselling Author, Columnist, Speaker.
And I do have 2 questions for you if it’s allright. Could it be only me or
does it look like a few of the comments look as if they are written by brain dead people?
😛 And, if you are writing on other places, I would like to
follow anything new you have to post. Could you list of every one
of your communal pages like your Facebook
page, twitter feed, or linkedin profile?
Good day! I simply want to offer you a huge thumbs up for the excellent information you’ve got here on this post.
I am returning to your website for more soon.
Thanks for finally talking about >Embracing Sorrow So We Can Savor Joy | Margie Warrell | Live & Lead with Courage | Bestselling Author, Columnist,
Speaker <Loved it!