Sometimes disappointment can hit with an intensity that can knock us down hard. When it does, we have to take the time to look for the gift our disappointment holds, and to be sure we unwrap it. Doing so sets us up to succeed in the game of life that much more.
As I reflect on the week just gone, disappointment is the word that comes to mind.
It started last Monday when The Circle, the daily talk show I’ve been contributing to was axed (nothing to do with the quality of my advice I might add!!!) Needless to say, everyone whose livelihood depended on the show must have felt disappointment far more acutely than me. Still, bummer.
In the days to follow, as I watched Australia’s Olympians in London, there seemed to be far more disappointment than there was jubilation. Olympic sized tears flowed as years of sacrifice failed to secure the victory sought and expected by so many.
And then again, back on the home front, my nine year old son Matthew got a nasty case of the flu, causing him to miss out on the Presentation night for his footy team who had won the premiership flag and a big inter-school sports day. Of course in the big scheme of life, this was not a big disappointment, but in his nine year old world, it was like missing out on his Gold Medal award ceremony.
Life doesn’t always go to plan. Sometimes things don’t work out as we want. Sometimes people let us down. Sometimes our hopes, dreams and expectations crash to the ground with a mighty thud. Over the years I’ve felt disappointed more times than I care to count (or list.) I am sure that you have had your own share of disappointments. Perhaps you are working through one (or several) right now
When reality fails to conform to what we think it should be, disappointment (often combined with resentment, anger, despair, sadness or frustration) rises up within us. Sometimes it can hit with an intensity that can knock us down hard. No-one is immune to disappointment. Nor would we want to be. It’s shows us what matters to us. As I told my beautiful Matthew this week, the better we are at dealing with things when they don’t go how we want, the happier we will be because there will always be things that aren’t the way we want them to be. He managed a half smile. “I sort of understand mum,” he said, before he started to cry, which triggered me to cry too. Sometimes crying is a great way to process disappointment. The only way out being through.
The truth is that if life always went the way we wanted, we couldn’t appreciate it fully. It’s through life’s disappointments that we come to value our triumphs, to truly savor our success, and to build up a mental, emotional and spiritual resilience that equips us up to cope better with whatever other hardships, hurdles or heartaches come down the pike. Because life being life, there will always be something else coming down the pike.
They say that as one door closes, another opens. That’s my plan anyway. But too often we are so focused on the door that has closed, that we miss the opportunity in those sliding open. Such a shame. As I look back on my disappointments, I can see a gift in every one of them…. even the most painful. Some have revealed to me strength I never knew I had. Some have taught me to trust my intuition more deeply. Some have helped me grow more compassionate. Others, to become more resourceful. A few have even been the catalyst for charting a new course that ultimately took me in an incredibly rewarding new direction I might otherwise never have gone. None of them have gone to waste.
When one door closes others inevitably opens. When you are stuck in regret, resentment and upset about what happened yesterday or worrying about what might happen tomorrow, you run the risk of not noticing the door opening in front of you today.
What’s for sure is that every disappointment holds the seed of an equivalent or greater benefit. I just have to find it. You just have to find it. The crew who worked on The Circle will have to find it. The Olympians who will return to their home countries a week from now without the medals they’d hoped to for will have to find it. We all do. In the end our success in life isn’t determined anywhere nearly as much by the times when things go to plan, but by how we respond when they don’t.
When you find yourself overcome with disappointment, the best you can ever do is to step forward into the day ahead, toward whatever challenges await (however unexpected, unfair or daunting) with trust in yourself, faith in your future and arms open wide to each and every experience that life brings your way. The most precious are often the most painful. Life can only ever be lived in the moment. We miss the boat when we spend our days stuck in regret and resentment about what happened yesterday or in fear and anxiety about what might happen tomorrow.
As you finish reading this right now, take a big deep , to the bottom-of-your-belly breath. Then as you exhale, let go your disappointments from the past and your anxiety for the future. Trust that right now, you are exactly where you need to be, open to whatever lessons life has to teach you. Responding courageously when life doesn’t go your way is one of the most invaluable. Whatever you do, just never let a big disappointment go to waste.
Who knows what door might be opening right around the corner?!
Thanks Margie. I'm sorry that The Circle was axed. While I didn't tune in to it very often, I always watched the segments you posted online. You were fantastic and I'm sorry you didn't get time to earn your own seat as a co-host on the show. You'd have really elevated the show in my opinion.
But as you say, when one door closes another opens. I know that you are going to find new opportunities in the media. You are a natural and Australia needs fresh faces and voices like yours.
Hope your son feels better soon also.
Thanks Jodie. Yes, lots of knocking on doors ahead I think!
Appreciate your encouragement though.
m 🙂
Great article Margie. You seem to know just what i'm dealing with every time I read your posts. Just got let go from my job two weeks ago. I have been really knocked down and wondering how I will face the whole job hunt ahead. This article is perfect because I think this week i need to get focused on finding a new role, and stop wallowing in misery. It's no fun anyway! 🙂
Appreciate your work.
Sally Peters, Brisbane
Good luck Sally.
You are so right, wallowing misery makes you an accomplice to it. There's no better antidote to upset than positive action.
m:)
I just wanted to write and say thank you for sharing your insight on dealing with disappointment. Today I didn’t get a job I didn’t want and I was still disappointed. My pride was hurt. I know it was the not being chosen that bothered me. Deep down I secretly hoped I was the best candidate for the job. I was tempted to be critical of the members of the panel who I faced for the interview. I even prayed that the other candidates were more suitable than me. I was nervous about the person who would have been my boss and yet I was disappointed
I read through your post and I was encouraged to get on with what I originally wanted to do, which was take a year out to be home and work on my craft and enjoy my life. I got what I wanted but still had to wrestle with feelings of disappointment about not being chosen.
You never know what is around the corner but now that I am free to see I think I will. Thank you again
Pleasure Troye. Enjoy your year off doing what it is you love. And don't be hard on yourself for feeling disappointed not getting a job you didn't want – you are human after all.
I've felt like that numerous times over the years. While its highly irrational, it's also highly human!
Best,
margie
Three years ago my husband (of six years) left me for another woman that worked in his office. I was beyond disappointed, I was totally devastated. My world fell apart into pieces I never thought I would be able to reassemble again. For months I felt like I was walking around totally numb. Then over time I gradually realized that I didn't have to let the experience define who I was. Slowly I picked myself up, and put my life back together again. Today I am dating a wonderful man. I'm not sure what the future holds but I feel very good about it and am truly grateful that I am no longer in a marriage that was never fulfilling me anyway (even though it did give me a sense of esteem simply being married.) There were so many lessons that I am so grateful for because of that experience. From the perspective you have shared here I am glad to say that I didn't let that disappiontment go to waste. What a great way to look at it!
Beth C, WA
Thanks for sharing Beth.
I have no doubt your divorce taught you some of the most important lessons of your life.
Wishing you a happy future with your new partner.
Disappointment is just one of the many emotions I've felt in the last few months since I was told my company would be closing it's regional office where I work (and not moving any of us to HQ.) later this year. Anger has been pretty dominant also. However I appreciate your words Margie because in the end, I have to make a choice – be consumed by my upset or to move on, and focus on finding a new role. Thank you for the reminder. It was just what I needed.
Thomas
Last week I discovered that my husband has been having an affair. Disappointment is obviously not the right word to describe how deeply hurt I've felt but there is still an element of disappointment in amidst all the other emotions – betrayal, anger, shock, fear, loss, sadness, fury to name a few.
Thank you for writing this article though as its still a very helpful reminder to me that I get to choose whether to find a gift inside this experience or whether to let it crush me.
I need all the reminders I can get right now.
Margie,
Bummer about them axing your talk show. I hope you aren't letting it get you too down. You are such a natural for TV and I am sure your phone will be ringing soon with another invitation from another show.
In the meanwhile, thanks for your blog. I have had a lot of disappointments in my life. Every one has held, as you put it, a "gift" for me. Sometimes it took a while to find it, but it was always there.
Regards,
Paul
Thanks Paul. Appreciate the vote of confidence. Here's hoping!
Margie:
First, I want to tell you that I love receiving your emails. However, I really enjoyed receiving this one, today of all days.
I won’t get into it as I know you have many things to accomplish yet today, but I am very disappointed in someone (an old boyfriend that we have just reconnected) and I have been holding onto him for much too long trying to keep our reconnection alive. After reading your article, it has really helped me to recognize that I need to be brave enough to close the door as that is the only way I can welcome someone new into my life. I can’t say that I still don’t have some feelings of loneliness and despair, but your email has reminded me that this is only temporary and I need to move forward.
I appreciate your words of wisdom and our reminder that life isn’t perfect and we live with much disappointment, but it’s how we overcome them is how it counts.
All my best to you,
J
Oh Boy Have I had disappointments in my life too, haven't we all! As had as it is in the moment to accept that each of them are a gift, they truly are.
One doesn't need disappointment if one practices adaptation, that way you can instantly find a positive side to everything or if there is none you can work around it, and then you don't have to give disappointment a single thought. Also, never have expectations, hopes yes, because hopes can't be killed, but expectations can be. Also when it comes to getting "your way", adjust "your way" so that getting it means not preventing anyone else from getting their's at the same time, also make sure you know what "you're way" really is by knowing what you actually want, 'cause for some who can't get their way it's because they don't really have a clue what they want.
Hello
Great Post !!