Last Sunday my oldest child Lachlan became a teenager. Born on February 13th… just one day short of the “Day of Love.” But I was two weeks overdue, with a belly about to burst, and when the doctor asked if I wanted to wait one a day longer so he could be born on Valentine’s day I replied, “Hell no, let’s get this baby out!” Or maybe I didn’t put it quite that way, but that was how I felt. Eager to meet the baby that had been keeping me awake for nights on end with his acrobatic maneuvers.
And I remember the moment he finally arrived in the world – 13 long hours of painful labor and one emergency cesarean section later – crying so hard that the doctors became alarmed that my spinal block was wearing off. But they were not tears of pain. They were tears of sheer and, pure joy. I get a lump just recalling that moment.
Of course I tried to retell Lachlan this story on his birthday. He wasn’t really interested in the “gory” bits. Just the bit about how he screamed really loudly on arrival and, at 9 pounds, was the largest baby born that day. He was proud of that. But then there are lots of things I try to tell Lachlan, my quick witted, insanely untidy and extremely social newbie teenager. Things that will help him navigate his way through life, avoid some of the potholes I landed in, and make wise choices in his friends and free time and study and everything else. And hopefully some of what I have to say he takes in. Even if distractedly. But what I’ve come to accept more and more as a parent is that my kids have their own path to walk, and while I can help giving e them some pointers along the way, I can’t walk it for them. I can just let them know that I’m here cheering for them, and happy to be a sounding board, taxi driver, birthday cake maker, or whatever else they need me to be in the process of becoming the amazing adults I know they will become.
Which makes gets me thinking about how I got to where I am today. Through lots of falling down and getting back up. But also with a deep knowing that I was loved and lovable even when I acted in ways that weren’t so endearing to my own parents or anyone else.
And what about you? What lessons have you learned t on the way to where you are now? And while I’m sure you could look back and think how, if some things had been different during your own teen years and early adulthood, it would have been easier, I’m hopeful that you are ultimately grateful for all that you have learned t about yourself and about life as you getting got to the place you sit at today, reading this email… After all, you would not be you, had you not had to fall down, get up and learn how to move on as you did – whether in your friendships, marriage, career or any other area of your life.
If there is a lesson from all of this for me… and hopefully for you… it is that we ultimately need to let other people figure out life for themselves. I’m sure there are people in your life whom you see acting in ways that upset you. People you care about who are making choices that you don’t think are going to will serve them. Or worse, could really hurt them or others. They’re saying things that will damage relationships, and burn bridges, and cause heart ache. They’re taking risks that you think are far more reckless than courageous. But in the end, you can’t live their life for them. All you can do is live your own life the very best you can, be a friend, a sounding board, and hopefully, by living the values you hold most dear, inspiring those around you to do the same.
I love my kids, all four of them. Fiercely. And I hope with all my heart they grow up to lives that are self-expressed and rewarding, lives rich in joy, and love and adventure. But I know that along the way they are going to have to deal with their own adversities… in some form or another. I just pray I will have done a good job imparting to them the courage and confidence they need to emerge out the other side of their setbacks, sorrows and struggles that much more stronger, wiser, more grateful and better off than they were before.
Ultimately we all learn more from life from the times when things don’t go our way, than when from the times they do. And so [pullquote]just as you have wisdom to gain from the challenges you are facing in your life today, so too do those around you have lessons to learn along their journey through life.[/pullquote]Be the change you want to see in the world. Be the adult you’d like your kids to become. And accept that everyone around you has their own path to follow, even if it diverges from that which you would follow yourself.
Great article Margie and I absolutely believe that children today need to make mistakes in order to fully appreciate what doing the right thing is all about. Just like in the corporate world, if an adult is too "micro-managed" by his/her boss, they become resentful and unmotivated. Same with kids. Let them sort out their problems for themselves, especially as they tend to be small scale issues, and allow them the opportunity to handle conflict without parents influences. Love your work! Sue
Thanks Sue. Yes, how will they ever learn to resolve the big problems as adults if we don't let them solve their own small ones as kids.
Your email came to me today as I prepare myself for the next few days where my teenage boys are participating in a sailing race off the coast of South Australia, the Blue Water Classic, from Adelaide to Port Lincoln. This is our version of the Sydney to Hobart – a 12 to 24 hour (or there abouts) sailing race which begins at 3pm tomorrow. My boys, 16 and 17, are experienced dinghy sailors, but are wanting to spread their wings into keel boat sailing, which is their passion. I have mixed emotions – excited as they head off on an adventure they have had to make preparations for, both physically and emotionally, and delighted they have both been asked to participate in the race by experienced skippers who appreciate them for the delightful young men they are, and respect their abilities in this sport. I am also finding myself having to let go, knowing they are entering a world of adulthood where I am not in charge anymore. The boys will be away from us, in an adult world for 2 days, in a potentially dangerous situation if the weather turns bad, having to keep themselves safe and making their own choices. It is time for us to sit back and be confident that our parenting has been such that the boys will be safe, sensible and responsible, and the choices they make are those which fit the values they have been brought up with. To see them follow their own path is exciting, but this is also taking some maturity from me to stand back and let them grow and be young men and allow them to make their own choices about their own lives.
Andrea, I once hear it said that having children is committing yourself to a life of forever having your heart walk around outside your body. I can understand how you feel and yet obviously you have not let your fears keep you for championing them to spread their wings and "set sail" in life. I'm sure it is because of who you've been as a mum that they have the confidence to be so adventurous. My hat is off to you! And to them too…I wish them luck! (Let me know how they go!!!)
I really related to your article about our loved ones walking their own path. I am a proud mother of four, 3 years out from breast cancer and my husband and I after 18 years will be divorced on 2/28. I have finally let go of the tight grip on my husband and realized he needs to breathe and live his life. I love him and always will but he is on his path now. Friends and family do not understand the peace I have with the break-up. I know in my heart how much we still love and respect one another. I may be losing a husband but I sure do have one of the finest human beings I could walk the earth with in my corner for myself and the kids. Sometimes the obvious path we all search for is not the one that is meant for us.
You are so wise Elaine. Debbie Ford recently wrote a book called Spiritual Divorce. Sounds like you have approached your divorce in a spiritual way (regardless of whether you'd call yourself spiritual or not) and it has served you and your family well. Yes, too often people get attached to how things are 'supposed to be' and it causes them needless suffering. Who konws what wonderful adventures in life and love lay ahead for you!
I find your words very encouraging for someone who is taking a life journey differently. Dont see divorce as a spell of heartache or disaster but rather as a pathway to one's happiness and freedom to pursue all that you can for life is too short to dwell on the past but the future can be yours. Dwell on thoughts about the good things and hopefully you find joy each day as you move on with your new life.
Thanks Margie for the timely piece of sharing. I ahve 3 daughters from ages 19 to 23. My second daughter , 20 years has just been joined the Univ of Melbourne, Australia for her degree course. We miss very much and are worried as to how she has to stand on her feet now. She aso felt homesick. The only way to resolve this is to help her focus on her goal, i.e. to study and get a degree, as we encourage her through our e-contacts and advice. Hope everything is fine. At this time, we parents reflect on whether we have taught our kids the right values so they can use these to stand for themselves whe we are not with them. Sometimes we think we have done well and sometimes we feel lacking in our duties. Just to share my thoughts as parents
I think every parent walks that same path… wondering what they might not have done as well as they could have. But the fact that you are thoughtful about it is what matters most. Keep faith in your daughter that she will make good choices, and learn the lessons her uni experience has to offer. I konw it was a very pivotal time in my life and while my parents worried, I also know they had a strong faith in me to come out ahead. That confidence really helped me navigate my way along. Thanks for sharing and good luck!
What clear thinking you have on this Margie. Thanks for your insights and wisdom. I have really struggled wtih letting my kids chart their own parth.,. when you want what is the very best for them it's just so hard to see them make choices you think are anything but. BUt you are so right, they have their own life to live and lessons to learn and we cannot always teach them to them.
THank you again, Christine
Thanks Christine. Keep doing your best. It's all you can ever really do… for you or your children.
Be courageous and trust yourself, you konw more than you think.
What clear thinking you have on this Margie. Thanks for your insights and wisdom. I have really struggled wtih letting my kids chart their own parth.,. when you want what is the very best for them it's just so hard to see them make choices you think are anything but. BUt you are so right, they have their own life to live and lessons to learn and we cannot always teach them to them.
THank you again, Christine
Thanks Christine. Keep doing your best. It's all you can ever really do… for you or your children.
Be courageous and trust yourself, you konw more than you think.
Margie, I love this post and the opportunity to think about my own kids' stories. I love the Japanese proverb "Fall down seven times,…get up eight"
Happy birthday to Lachlan!
Margie, I love this post and the opportunity to think about my own kids' stories. I love the Japanese proverb "Fall down seven times,…get up eight"
Happy birthday to Lachlan!
Thanks again Margie for your beautiful letter. this one made me cry this morning, because you are so right. My oldest daughter is going to high school next year and this week needs to select her courses, I am very worried for the choices she made as always I think is going to be too hard for her. But I just need to let go, and let her follow her path.
Thanks so much for this letter again,
Maria
Your comments remind me of Howard Glasser's Nurtured Heart approach to parenting that I have tried so hard to incorporate into my own life. I have a 13 year old son who is teaching me so much every day. I love to hear from other parents who work so hard to make the right decisions for their children when it really seems that once again working on self and parenting by modeling your own values does more in the long run than lectures and telling them where they are wrong. They too are sacred souls if we can just remember the sacred in each of us, moment by moment. Thank you so much for sharing your wonderful insights and your life with us.
thanks for the inspiring words. it got me thinking.
Great post! Thank you so much for sharing your wonderful insights with us.
Great article Margie. I found myself reflecting on how fast the years went by and my 2 boys (26 & 29) aren't boys anymore, they are young men. And even though I sometimes wish I could turn the clock back knowing what I know now, I feel they have the life tools they need to go forward in life. One of my sons will soon be moving across Canada and we won't see each other as much. I know he will grow more confident and responsible and hopefully find a nice girl and get married! Cherish the days with your young man, they grow up so fast and you look back and say where did the time go?