“It’s completely fine to not be around [Trump voters] and to tell them why,” said Dr. Amanda Calhoun on MSNBC. She went further, saying it’s “essential” to do so.
Statements like this capture the heightened tensions of our time. They reflect the polarizing dynamics that have infiltrated not just public discourse but our most intimate spaces—our families. While it’s tempting to avoid difficult conversations with relatives whose political beliefs clash with ours, doing so may unintentionally deepen divides and limit opportunities for genuine connection.
As Abraham Lincoln, who led America through its most divided period, once said, “The dogmas of the quiet past are inadequate to the stormy present. As our case is new, so we must think anew and act anew.” These words hold as true for navigating familial tensions as they do for addressing national challenges.
In today’s divisive and polarized climate, I believe we must move beyond the instinct to shun or shame others for their views. Instead, we have an opportunity to foster understanding by engaging with curiosity and empathy—even when it’s uncomfortable.
Division Is Not New
America has weathered deep divides before—on slavery, women’s suffrage, the Vietnam War, and more recently, gay marriage and healthcare reform. Each time, individuals had a choice: engage with those on the other side or retreat into echo chambers that reinforced their own perspectives.
Retreating into ideological silos can feel safer, especially when media and social platforms amplify outrage and validate our sense of righteousness. Research from Harvard suggests that avoiding those with differing views only reinforces stereotypes and entrenches division. Similarly, studies show that social media algorithms prioritize divisive content because it keeps us engaged, even as it narrows our capacity for empathy.
But our relationships—especially with family—are built on more than political alignment. They’re rooted in shared memories, mutual care, and the respect for each other’s humanity. Avoiding loved ones over political differences might provide short-term relief, but it undermines our capacity for meaningful connection and social cohesion.
Let’s Practice Pluralism In Our Own Backyard
At a recent event celebrating the work of Hardwired Global and a documentary by The Good Road about the impact of their work promoting pluralism in conflict zones, a young Yazidi boy from Mosul shared this simple but profound truth:
“Just because people think differently doesn’t make them an enemy.”
His words struck a chord. Cancel culture—our own brand of modern tribalism—often shames and isolates those whose opinions differ from ours. There has been no irony lost on me that some of the loudest voices in championing DEI have the the fastest to loudly shame and exclude those whose opinions have not conformed to their own. As Brené Brown’s research reminds us, empathy is impossible when we sit in judgment.
The same principle applies around our holiday tables. Shunning relatives who voted differently may feel justified, but it closes the door on conversations that could help bridge divides. Instead of aiming to “win” arguments or prove your relative wrong, we can approach these moments as opportunities to deepen our understanding of why the people we love hod opinions we may loathe.
Disagreement Doesn’t Have to Divide
Engaging with family members who see the world differently doesn’t mean abandoning your own values. It means choosing to prioritize connection over being right. So how do you do that?
Start by redefining success. Instead of focusing on changing someone’s mind, make it your goal as you spend time with relatives this holiday season to better understand not just what they think, but the experiences that formed their opinion. This shift in mindset reduces defensiveness and opens the door to meaningful dialogue.
Here are a few open-ended questions to spark conversation:
- What life experiences have shaped your perspective and political views?
- What concerns or hopes guide your voting decisions?
- If you could change one thing about the political system, what would it be?
These questions aren’t designed to score points but to foster understanding and dismantle relational walls. As Todd Kashdan’s research at George Mason University shows, curiosity not only lowers defensiveness but can open people’s minds to alternative views.
When tensions rise, as they inevitably might, practice being a curious observer of your own emotions. Notice when you feel defensive or judgmental, and ask yourself: What might be behind this reaction? This kind of self-awareness can help you stay grounded, even in challenging moments.
Curiosity doesn’t only hold value directly outward, it also helps you notice your own biases at play. We are all vulnerable to distorting our perception of reality, to operating with ‘blind spots’ and to assuming that our way of viewing the world is the ‘right one’ and contemptuous of those who just ‘don’t get it.’
Practicing critical thinking is an act of courage as it requires being willing to listen to opposing perspectives for how we might be wrong, to acknowledge our own false assumptions and to openly share that. Maybe you’re a far cry from declaring that you’ve been stuck in an echo chamber. But perhaps listening might help you cede a little ground on your stance that people who voted differently to you are not utterly misguided and might actually have some very valid reasons for doing so.
It Takes Courage to Bridge the Gap
Let me be clear: listening to someone with opposing views doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. It simply means acknowledging their humanity and respecting their right to their own beliefs. In doing so, you may even discover areas of common ground—or at the very least, deepen your capacity for empathy.
This holiday season, consider reframing the challenges of family gatherings as opportunities to practice humility, curiosity, and compassion. None of us are perfect. Just as you may wish others would change their views or behavior, they likely feel the same about you.
We all want to live in communities where our differences are respected. Building such communities starts with valuing the perspectives of those closest to us—even when they challenge us.
As the word “conversation” implies—rooted in the Latin conversari, meaning “to turn around”—every dialogue holds the potential for change. This holiday season, embrace the opportunity to build bridges, not walls. After all, the most important conversations are often the least comfortable.
You don’t have to walk away agreeing on everything, but you may leave the table with a deeper sense of connection and gratitude for the diversity of thought within your family. And that’s something worth being truly thankful for.
