In my twenties, two things happened in close succession that brought me to my knees.

First, I was held up at gunpoint in an armed robbery. I was 19 weeks pregnant at the time with my first child.

Then, ten short days later, I was told my baby had died.

I reeled. I raged. I wrote in my journal as my tear stained the pages. I wrangled with God — and not politely.

This wasn’t fair. It wasn’t right. This just wasn’t how life was supposed to be.

And yet…

After about six weeks of emotional whirl and reassembling my mental maps, I arrived at a moment of pure clarity.

Life is not fair. Bad things happen to good people. ALL TRUE.

But that didn’t mean life wasn’t still inherently good — or that something deeply meaningful couldn’t be redeemed from the ashes of the best laid plans.

That clarity tapped a deeper source of power in me. I couldn’t always choose my circumstances, but I could always choose how I responded to them. I would not be a victim. I would find the good. Work for it. Transform what had rocked my world off its axis into something that enlarged it — and eventually, served others too.

That was nearly 30 years ago.

Since then I’ve had to contend with plenty more circumstances that upended expectations and left me wrestling with reality — in my family, in my career, in life. But I keep coming back to the same deep knowing:

Our greatest power lies in how we choose to respond when life doesn’t go to plan.

And this is just as true in at decision making table as it is in life.

The hardworking who is passed over for the promotion they deserved. The founder whose business pivots — or fails. The client whose business suddenly goes under or the restructure that leaves no place for you.

It is the situations that test us the most that teach us the most. We human beings cannot flourish in the absence of challenges. And sure, some of them come in packages we’d sooner avoid. However:

it’s those very situations that test you the most that can teach you the most and introduce you to aspects of your own humanity you’d never encounter otherwise. To resilience, resourcefulness, adaptability… to the courage still dormant within.

Dots always connect backward. And so it was looking back that I realized those experiences were the catalyst for what is now called ‘Post Traumatic Growth’ (which I wrote about in Forbes.)

What separates those who emerge stronger is never intelligence or talent or title or even experience. It’s the choice — made again and again — to look for what can be learned, what can be redeemed and transformed into purpose, and what can be built from what remains.

This isn’t toxic positivity. It’s not denying hard truths or pretending setbacks don’t sting. They do. It’s something harder and more powerful than that: choosing — deliberately — to focus on what can be transformed rather than what was lost, on what can be gained and grown and transformed rather than on what was lost or what we fear may happen in the future. As I wrote in The Courage Gap:

“What you focus on expands. What you look for, you’ll always find.”

To quote the father of humanistic psychology, Abraham Maslow: “One can choose to go back toward safety or forward toward growth. Growth must be chosen again and again; fear must be overcome again and again.” So…

Look for the good in the problems you wished you didn’t have.

Look for the good in the people who frustrate the hell out of you.

Look for the good in the derailed plans and the doubt that pins your confidence to the ground.

Your difficulties aren’t ruining your path. They are your path.

This isn’t toxic positivity. It’s not denying hard truths or pretending life doesn’t hurt or that grief isn’t real. It’s real alright. Rather, it is choosing — again and again and again — to focus on what can be learned, what can be redeemed, what can be transformed into something greater than the adversity itself.

Look for the good. Does it take some digging and more patience? Sure. But is always there, — not despite your story but woven into it.

I just did a podcast on how to meet life when it disappoints you. I hope you’ll take a listen.

Listen on Spotify | Listen on Apple Podcasts.