Choosing courage in fearful times

Published on 10 August 2011 by Margie Warrell in Blog, Career, Choosing Courage, Courageous Conversations, Embracing Change, Fear, Featured, Get Unstuck, Goal Setting, Health, Well-being

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From oppression in Syria to famine in Somalia, from the UK riots to the US Credit Rating, from high unemployment to low housing prices to drawn out wars claiming the lives of the finest of young men and women – there’s no doubt about it, we are living in turbulent times.

Switch on the TV and you are quickly bombarded with a zillion reasons why you need to hunker down, play safe, avoid risk, stash your cash under your bed, and think about getting a script for anti-anxiety medication. Just last night watching cable news, a leading anchor predicted that the discontent fuelling the riots sweeping across the UK would soon be fuelling similar violence in the US. And I was only watching TV for 15 minutes to catch that. The messages preaching doom and gloom are pervasive and never have we felt like we have more reasons to feel afraid.

Left unchecked though, anxiety can run amok and fear can become a crippling emotion. And while fear serves a positive purpose in our life to an extent, when we give in to fear on a regular and ongoing basis, it can spread like a virus, until it infiltrates into every corner of our life, our thoughts, decisions and actions. Like all emotions, fear is contagious and powerful. It can siphon the joy out of our day and the life out of our lives. Which is why, now, more than ever before, we need to be mindful about the potentially oppressive impact of fear and increasingly discerning about which fears we pay heed to. After all, history has shown us that it is those who refuse to succumb to fear, and who act most boldly, who reap the richest rewards during times of adversity.

Yes, fear is a powerful emotion but it doesn’t have to overpower our life.

So let me ask you – where is fear running the show in your life and, more so, where is there an opportunity for you right now (yes today), to be more courageous?

Firstly, let me just clarify what I mean by courage. Courage is not the absence of fear, or self-doubt, or misgivings about our future. It’s not pretending that tragedy and turmoil isn’t happening in the world around us, it’s not turning a blind eye to oppression or minimizing genuine threats to our freedom, security, and livelihood. Rather courage is choosing to focus on what we can do and take positive action in the presence of your fear. Courage is choosing to stay optimistic even when the headlines preach that the end of the world is nigh (2012 is it?). It’s choosing to stick your neck out and speak up about an issue even when you know it could ruffle feathers. It’s saying no to a relationship or circumstance that doesn’t inspire you in order to make space for one that does. It’s putting your hand up to present your teams idea to management or take the lead on a business initiative. It’s inviting somone over for dinner even though your home doesn’t qualify for the cover of Vogue living. It’s giving up having to control your future (since you can’t anyway), and holding on to faith in yourself that whatever the future holds, you have the ability to handle it.

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It’s Beef Tenderloin For Me This Thanksgiving

Published on 19 November 2010 by Margie Warrell in Blog, Featured, Get Unstuck

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Thanksgiving, and the busy holiday season in general, can create a lot of anxiety and stress for many people. While it may be the most festive season of the year, it’s also one laden with expectations, idealized images, conflicting demands on our time (and our wallets) and often a quiet anxiety about spending time with family members who seem to push our buttons quicker and faster than anyone else can.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. As I like to say, stress is not the enemy, stressful thinking is. And when it comes to the holiday season, there are a lot of people thinking stressful thoughts. If you are one of them, then I invite you to think about how you could approach this holiday season a little differently than years gone by (assuming of course that you’d like your experience of it to be a little different than years past). Take a moment to ask yourself how you are placing unnecessary pressure on yourself and how, by shifting your perspective, you could unload some of that pressure, and in its place free up space to play, laugh, relax and enjoy more so that you arrive in January feeling terrific instead of tired and in need of a trip to rehab.

Here are a few ideas to consider as you ponder how you could simplify your approach to the festive season so that you really can bring a spirit of love, gratitude and celebration to the people in your life. And be sure to check out the interview below I just did on how to have a less stressful holiday.

Don’t “Should” On Yourself (or Let Others “Should” On You): Deciding upfront to let go the idea that your holiday will ever be postcard-perfect will free you up to enjoy it for all that it is, and for all that it isn’t! Drop all the “shoulds” and unrealistic expectations that only create stress, conflict and resentment — “we should all get along,” “the table should be decorated Martha Stewart style”, “we should all have fun,” “everyone should come home for the holidays”, “we should all give thoughtful gifts” …. and the list goes on. It’s our attachment to how things should be that causes the bulk of our holiday stress and upsets. If you let go having to have things be a certain way, it allows you to enjoy things just as they are. [...]

The Fort Hood tragedy: what emotions has it triggered in you?

Published on 15 November 2009 by Margie Warrell in Featured, Resilience in Adversity

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Man Face in Hands The shootings at the military base in Fort Hood last week were tragic. There is no upside. Twelve good men and women now lie dead. Thirty others are still recovering from injuries. Countless more are still weighted down with incredible grief and shock and anger as they come to terms with the loss of those they loved and served their country with.

No doubt in the weeks ahead we will hear a lot about the possible motivations and warped thinking of Nidal Hassan, the man accused of murdering these people. This psychiatrist will find himself being psycho-analyzed again and again and again. And at the end of it all, we will still be left with more questions than answers. We will also be left wondering, is there anywhere that we can feel safe anymore? Who can we really trust? How could the warning signs from such an unstable person been missed?

I do not want to focus this newsletter on why Nidal Hassan did what he did. Nor on who he is. Nor on what systemic malfunction permitted him to be in the role he was. Lord knows the media are working overtime doing that. Rather I think it is of more value to you (and me) to explore how we, in the face of such an event which has triggered such intense horror and grief, can continue to move forward as wholehearted, trusting, compassionate and courageous people?

Sadness, horror, grief, anger, disillusionment – all of these are normal and healthy emotions which help us navigate our way through life and point us to what matters most to us. The well-being of those we love, our own safety and security and the importance of loyalty . . . to our friends, to our colleagues, to our country.

As Mary Tyler Moore once said, “Pain nourishes courage. You can’t be brave if you’ve only had wonderful things happen to you.” Actually I would say, you can’t know joy or delight or accomplishment or any great emotion if nothing has ever gone wrong.

If we don’t own our emotions, they own us. Acknowledging our emotions is crucial if we are not to be consumed by them. Every emotion you feel is legitimate. It is also constructive. . . to a point. If your anger motivates you to address a perceived injustice then that is a good thing. If your fear motivates you to do get out of harm’s way then that is also a good thing. Likewise if your sadness helps you realize how much you care about something (or someone) then that is a good thing too. However there is an important difference between emotions that positively motivate us and those that control us. Sadly, all too often emotions like anger and fear take such a firm hold on our psyche that they cloud our thinking and drive us to to act in ways that sabotage our relationships, suck the joy out of our lives and create profound suffering.

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An Emotional Stimulus Plan: Have You Got One?

Published on 23 September 2009 by Margie Warrell in Embracing Change, Featured, Get Unstuck, Resilience in Adversity

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Yesterday a friend emailed me to say that after years of trying to make it as a freelance writer she’s admitted defeat and is now trying to find a paying job. I replied to her that she needed to drop the ‘defeated’ talk and instead re-frame her situation more positively. That is, that she enjoys freelance writing and while she will continue to write she is pursuing work that provides a more reliable source of income. She quickly replied that she felt far better (and I’m guessing, more powerful) putting it that way.

And last week, after my interview on the TODAY SHOW, I was inundated with emails and blog comments from people saying how much my words resonated. Of the many things I said during the interview was that we each need to make a powerful choice not to be defeated, nor succumb to fear, nor to take life’s inevitable rejections and setbacks too personally. Put another way, we need to have our own unique Emotional Stimulus Plan that will enable us to ride out the bumps, weather the setbacks and rise to the challenge that comes our way.

Right now there are millions of people having to deal with significant changes and challenges in their lives due to the economic crisis that has rippled out from the burst of the housing bubble. People are needing to cut back on all sorts of things they’d previously taken for granted. Suddenly their financial security isn’t so secure and their lifestyle is being trimmed in ways they’d never foreseen. Without warning they are finding themselves wrestling with an identity crisis because so much of their identity has been tied to their job, their income, their McMansion and the list goes on.

So just as the Federal Government has taken it upon itself to launch an Economic Stimulus Plan, so too will you benefit from creating your own plan to weather whatever storms are blowing over you. Sure, many people are suffering hardship that is beyond their control, but if you take a step back from all the fear mongering and dooms-daying and look heavenward you will notice that the SKY IS NOT FALLING and that, while times are tough, times have been tough before (actually, far tougher!) and humanity has not come to a crashing halt. The reality is that in the US and other developed countries, we are living way better than any time over the course of human history. So you have to give up your spa trips for awhile? Come on! Just as losing your job or downsizing your home doesn’t mean you are a failure, neither does unmanicured feet render you unlovable (“And thank goodness for that!” cry my neglected toenails!). [...]

Oprah…still overcoming her fears!

Published on 22 January 2009 by Margie Warrell in Get Unstuck, Resilience in Adversity

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Love her or loathe her (though why would you but from jealousy!), you have to hand it to Oprah — she’s got courage! I mean after the years and years of yo-yoing up and down the scales, I think we all, including Oprah herself, had thought her battle with the bulge was behind her. I certainly did. And yet, there she was last week acknowledging to the world that she’s still, at age 50-something, struggling with weight. Having put on a few extra pounds myself over the festive season, I can only imagine how unjoyous it was for Oprah to realize she’d put on 40 odd pounds over the last year or so. Nope. Definitely one of life’s more joy-sucking experiences!

And I should know! Many years ago I had my own battle, and relapse, with the eating disorder bulimia.

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