I’m currently back in Australia which is in the midst of a federal election campaign. Last week Australia’s Prime Minister Julia Gillard, who deposed her former boss Kevin Rudd in June and has had anything but a smooth campaign to date, announced that from here on in the Australian people would see the “real Julia.” Frankly, I was quite surprised by her comment which left me, and I assume many Australians, wondering who we had seen up until now if it was not the “real Julia.”

Of course there are many traits we want from our leaders — political, corporate and otherwise. Intelligence, hard work, common sense, integrity, empathy, humility, decisiveness, and the list goes on. But what we all crave is for them to be authentic, genuine… real. And when it is absent (or perceived as lacking), it can profoundly damage trust and diminish their ability to exert the influence, and create the positive change, needed of them as leaders.

Reflecting on the backlash Julia Gillard received this last week for her comments, it made me think about the bigger lesson here for all of us, regardless of our politics or leadership aspirations. Obviously there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting to fit in, to be liked, approved of, or “look good” in the eyes of others. You and I are, after all, only human. However, if your desire to achieve this comes at the expense of expressing who you really are — no smoke and mirrors or custom-designed masks – or requires selling out on a core value in some way, then it comes at a steep personal price. Think about it: how can you be the real you when you are preoccupied with impressing people or having them like you? You can’t! That’s not to say you aren’t mindful of how you might be perceived nor that you act in ways that are disrespectful to those around you, but rather that you don’t allow others’ opinions (or perceived opinions) define who we will be or keep you from being real.

Interestingly enough, research has found that two out of three people are dramatically out of touch with how they see themselves compared to how others see them. The irony being that people who strive the hardest to be liked or to impress others often have just the opposite effect on those around them. I reckon most of us have an inbuilt “realness” detector that starts beeping when we find ourselves in the company of someone who seems to lack it (others might call it a “B.S. Detector”). They say all the right things but something just doesn’t feel right. Certainly I believe the less you care about needing people to like you, the more they actually will. In other words, as you let go striving to get the approval and admiration of people around you, you actually become more admired, your influence grows and you become someone people feeling more comfortable trusting – in your social relationships, in your workplace and organization, in your community and the world.

In Zen Buddhism they speak of living with one’s “original face.” The Buddhists describe the “original face” as being relaxed, without tension, free of pretension, devoid of hypocrisy or superficiality. Your “original face” is the one that comes when you find the courage to be authentically you.

Certainly, we live in a world that pressures for conformity and so it goes that one of our greatest challenges is to express ourselves authentically and not succumb to the pressure we feel to be who we think others want us to be. Refusing to conform and being true to who we really are may not always be easy and will often make us feel vulnerable, but it is the only way to achieve the sense of personal freedom, respect and influence to which we aspire — whether as leaders, as lovers or as people who simply want to lead happier and more contented lives.

So I ask: are you showing the world the “real” you and if you aren’t, how is that costing you? Or more important still, if you were to let go needing to prove your worthiness, to be accepted or liked, who would the real you be and how would you show up in the world differently?

I can assure you, people around you will be far more attracted to the real you than the unreal you. Being a first-class version of yourself is much more rewarding than being a second-class version of somebody else. As Mother Theresa once said, “Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway.”

Please share what you really think with a comment below and take 5 minutes to complete my first-ever READER SURVEY. I am genuinely appreciative of your honest and constructive feedback and suggestions.

Related posts:

1. Are you short changing yourself?
2. Where could you be upping your integrity?

It’s been many years since I playfully fought my then-boyfriend (now husband), who worked for Mobil Oil, about which gas station we should fill up in (me claiming BP’s were far more attractive, him convinced that Mobil’s were better quality underneath the glam). It has also been many years since BP transformed those initials from British Petroleum into Beyond Petroleum… ah the irony.

Of course none of us are yet certain about the exact chain of events that culminated in the explosion in the Gulf of Mexico last month. What I am fairly certain of is that there was an absence of effective leadership, communication and accountability. I also think there are valuable lessons we can all take from this situation and apply in our own workplaces and relationships.

We humans share an instinctive desire for self-preservation and an innate aversion to situations that might be emotionally uncomfortable. In an organizational setting this can drive employees to “play safe” and avoid crucial conversations about issues that put them at risk of confrontation or ruffling feathers. And if they assess that doing so might jeopardize their position or future opportunities they will be even more reticent to choose the courageous path of speaking up over the less risky one of silence.

But as I’ve said before, the quality of our conversations directly impacts the quality of our relationships and the quality of the results we achieve individually and through our collaboration with others. The absence of crucial conversations about valid issues of concern in any organization, from large global corporations right down to the family unit, can have far-reaching consequences. Concerns that aren’t talked out, contentious issues that aren’t thrashed out and substandard behavior that isn’t held to account rarely (if ever) improves of its own volition. Rather, left unaddressed, issues fester; poor performers grow poorer and flawed decision-making criteria declines further.

People in positions of formal leadership carry a responsibility for nurturing a culture that encourages open and respectful communication coupled with a collective commitment to excellent and ethical behavior (regardless of cost or inconvenience). That said, all members of an organization, regardless of rank or title, have a personal responsibility for contributing to an environment where people can speak up without fear of recrimination and where accountability for one’s performance is expected and not skirted.

Who is to blame for the millions of gallons of oil floating around in the Gulf of Mexico today? Though BP did not actually own the rig they were using (under lease from Transocean), certainly blame is being laid squarely at the feet of BP’s CEO, Tony Hayward. Such is the risk and responsibility that accompanies senior positions of leadership. However, I firmly believe that it takes far more than one person to be negligent in fulfilling their responsibilities for a system failure of this magnitude.

In any organization every individual must take personal responsibility for the impact their actions (or lack thereof) have on the organization as a whole, however relatively insignificant they may seem.

Whether you work in a large organization, run a small business, or are a stay-at-home mum, I invite you to reflect on the following questions and extract valuable lessons for yourself from this environmental catastrophe.

1. Where might you be avoiding important conversations for fear that they might result in confrontation, ruffle feathers or put you at risk in some way?
2. Do you treat others with the respect needed to create an environment where they feel safe to express opinions, even those which are contentious?
3. Do you hold others to account when they fail to fulfill a responsibility or underperform?
4. Do you honor your own commitments with integrity and excellence? And when you don’t, do you do you very best to rectify the situation?

Related posts:

1. Is There Something You Genuinely Need To Say?
2. Get What You Want: 6 Tips To Make Bold Requests
3. Are You Stepping Up to the Leadership Plate?
4. Do You Need to Say NO to Something (or Someone)?
5. Are you short changing yourself?

Our society loves to put high-performing athletes up on pedestals according them, in the process, a semi-God like status.  With that we give them enormous influence on us, and more importantly, on our kids who rank elite athletes second only to parents (92%) and on par with teachers (72%) in terms of influence.  But of course, with great influence, comes great power and (to quote from the Karate Kid) with great power comes great responsibility.

I don’t know much  about Tiger Woods’ private life apart from the salacious news I’ve heard in the media this last week.  What I do know is that we should all be very careful in putting anyone up on a pedestal or expecting any individual to be infallible across the board.  Just because someone is a brilliant athlete (or actor or singer or politician) doesn’t mean they are always going to be a great role model.  Masterful skill in one area of life doesn’t automatically equate to robust integrity or even to plain old common sense.  If there’s any lesson in this whole sad Tiger Woods affair, it is this: beware of putting any individual up on a pedestal just because they are good at a sport!

Time and time again we’ve witnessed athletes, celebrities and people in positions of high office suddenly fall from grace.  Time and time again we’ve felt like they let us down.  We’d trusted them to do the right thing and they blew it.  Surely they should have known better, done better, been better than that. What the hell were they thinking?! It’s hard to imagine what it’s like to have millions of people in awe of you, but it seems as though they become drunk on their own fame, fortune and power.  Without something or someone to keep them well grounded, they lose their way and become lost in the public persona their publicists create for them. Viewing themselves as almost omnipotent, they delude themselves into thinking their behavior is immune to the consequences the rest of us face.  They live in the illusion, like Lehman Brothers once did, that they are too big too fail… or at least to too famous to fall. And only when reality catches up to them, and they come crashing down to earth with a headline-making thud, can they begin to see that they are no more immune to the consequences of their choices, and no less fallible, than the rest of us. In the meanwhile, families are devastated and the respect and trust of adoring fans is damaged as the heroes they so desperately wanted to believe in lose their cape.

None of us are flawless. Good people do bad things. Seemingly smart people do dumb things. We all find ourselves in moments of choice where we feel tempted to do something we know in our heart isn’t the right thing. And we’ve all had those times where we’ve veered off course.  Myself included. Certainly Tiger Woods has a huge reservoir of goodwill to be dipping into in the weeks and months ahead as he seeks to restore the trust of his fans and those closest to him. His wife in particular. I have to say, I’d be none too happy if I were in her shoes. I wish him well. I’m sure his fans are willing to forgive him but they need to see some genuine humility first. Trust is a precious commodity. It can take a long time to build but only one moment of transgression to lose.  Something all those who have been given the trust of the masses would be well served to keep forefront in mind.

Learning to discern between who you should trust, and what you should trust them with is an important skill to learn in life. With that in mind, my question to you is this: where have you made false assumptions about the lives and characters of others that led to disappointment? Where have you placed trust too hastily or fallen in to awe too quickly?

I’d love to hear what you think about this so please share your comments below.

Related posts:

1. Where is trust missing in your relationships?
2. Where could you be upping your integrity?
3. Are You Showing the World the “Real” You?

Today is Women’s Equality Day and in a few hours I’m off to speak to a Federal Department here in DC to celebrate the occasion. The topic: “Leadership is a choice, not a position.” I think leadership ties in beautifully with women’s equality, indeed with all equality. After all, the women’s equality movement began in 1848, when five women sitting around drinking tea in Seneca Falls decided to put a notice in the local newspaper announcing “a convention to discuss the rights of women” to be held six days later. Six days later they drafted a declaration stating that “we find these truths to be self evident: that all men and women are created equal.” Of the 100 people who signed that declaration, only one, nineteen year old Charlotte Woodward, lived long enough to gain the right to vote 72 years later in 1920.

Now I’m not here to give you a history lesson on women’s rights. Rather I want to challenge you to examine how you define leadership, and more particularly, how you see yourself as a leader.  After all, how you see yourself as a leader determines how others see you.  For me, authentic leadership is about making a stand for what we believe in, for speaking up and for daring to create change (for ourselves and others) regardless of our formal position, status or authority. Leadership involves putting ourselves at risk in some way — but then again, to be outstanding in life, we must first be prepared to stand out in some way.

Of course injustice and inequality still exist in our society and in every society around the world. Here are a few statistics to make you cringe (and feel thankful you were born with the opportunities you have):

• Almost half the world — over three billion people — live on less than $2.50 a day. At least 80% of humanity lives on less than $10 a day.
• Each day 25,000 children die from poverty. Annually 1.8 million children die from diarrhea, 1 million die from malaria and 2.2 million die because they aren’t immunized.
• Nearly a billion people entered the 21st century unable to read a book or sign their names. The majority of those were women.
• Over 3 million girls annually (aged 8 -12) are still victims of the barbaric practice of female genital mutilation. Countless thousands die from associated infection and complications during childbirth.
• Globally, women do two thirds of the world’s work, earn 10% of the world’s income and own less than 1% of the means of production.

Of course we don’t need to look to Africa or other developing countries to find injustice and inequity. There’s plenty of it right out your back door — you just have to take the time to look. It’s for this reason that we are called today, as those women were back in 1848, to be leaders in our own way, in our own right, regardless of our job title, our position in society or the level of authority we’ve been given.

I have never labeled myself a feminist. I am, however, a passionate believer in the potential of all people to make a meaningful difference in their community and the world. But I believe this can only be accomplished when we are ready to step up to the plate and think bigger, speak up more boldly and challenge the status quo. Each of us not only has a responsibility but an obligation to create a vision for ourselves, our community, organization and society that inspires us and to work toward creating a more just, egalitarian and moral world.

Of course, real leadership first begins with self leadership. How powerfully we live our own lives impacts the ability of others to sense their own power and express it in the world.

On that note, I challenge you to take one action today that requires you to step outside your comfort zone and up to the leadership plate, for the sake of a purpose or goal that is bigger than you. It might be speaking up about an issue to a colleague at work or sending out an email rallying friends behind a cause/charity you care about. It might be signing up to help a group that is doing something worthwhile for less fortunate people in your community or volunteering to coach your kids’ soccer team this season. It might be taking on greater responsibility in your work and community, not because you’ll get extra money or kudos, but because you want to develop your ability to lead yourself and others to achieving more. Or it just might be something else entirely. My hope, though, is that you will do more than just delete this email and get on with your day as though you have no power in affecting positive change in your own life or anyone else’s. That, after all, is a big fat cop out.

Until next time, dare to make a bigger impact in the world around you. In short, live and lead boldly!

P.S. If you would like to get a copy of the one-page handout I will be distributing at the Women’s Equality Day Program, please send an email to info@margiewarrell.com.

**Statistics courtesy of UNICEF and GlobalIssues.org

What does it mean to you? Have you thought about it? I know when I speak to different people everyone has their own idea of what it means. . . from being honest in your business dealings to not cheating on your tax return (or your spouse!).  But integrity goes way beyond being a good law-abiding citizen.  At its core, integrity is about having alignment between what you know is the right thing to do and what you are doing; between who you aspire to be, and who you are being. I’m all about people thinking big in life.  However, unless your actions are backed by a solid foundation of integrity, they will fail to produce the results you really want. Of course being the infallible human beings that we are, we often slip up. We tell a lie or fail to tell the truth, we make a mistake and try to cover it up, we treat someone poorly, we stay silent when we see someone else treated poorly. . . ahh, if only it were easy to always live with integrity. Needless to say, I’m not here to make you feel bad about those times you sell out or be dishonest (with yourself or others). Rather I just want to challenge you to address any areas of your life in which integrity might be. . . well. . .compromised. It could be:

• Speaking up about an issue that has upset you because you know you owe it to yourself and to the person to get the issue off your chest and on the table
• Giving someone the constructive feedback they need to improve their performance, even though it makes you uncomfortable to do so
• Saying no to a commitment that is keeping you from spending the time with your family that you value so highly
• Sorting out your finances which you have neglected for a long time and creating a plan to pay back money you owe to others
• Cutting back on the amount of paper products you use or getting a filter on your water tap rather than consuming so many plastic bottles of water because you know it’s damaging to the environment
• Apologizing to someone to whom, intentionally or not, you caused hurt or simply taking responsibility for something you did (or failed to do!)
• Deciding you are no longer going to speak badly about people because you just don’t want to be someone who does that

Are you ready to give up the payoffs?
The hardest part of restoring (and keeping) integrity is letting go of the payoff you’ve been getting from behaving that way in the first place. Such payoffs include (but are far from limited to):

• An absence of confrontation or avoidance of some unpleasant consequence
• Convenience or financial gain
• Feeling victimized or just having an excuse to avoid change
• Ego gratification, social kudos or professional recognition

No one enjoys admitting they’ve been selling out, deceitful or cutting corners which is why living with integrity (and restoring it) requires ongoing self reflection, brutal honesty, humility and (last but not least) courage. So, I guess you might be wondering, why should I bother?

Not living with integrity costs you
During my teens I used to justify shoplifting things like lipstick with excuses like, “I’m poor and they won’t notice one lipstick,” and, “I know lots of people do this so why shouldn’t I?” Over time I came to realize it wasn’t about whether I would get caught or not, nor whether the store could afford it, it was simply that it was wrong and despite all my justifications, deep down I knew my biggest act of deceit was with myself.  By failing to act with integrity I was holding myself back and undermining my own sense of self-worth. Intuitively I just knew that unless I cleaned up my act, I wouldn’t be able to enjoy the success and contentment in life I wanted and would be plagued by shame and guilt.

Shakespeare wrote, “To thine own self be true” for a reason. Psychologists have coined the term “cognitive dissonance” to describe the inner conflict that results when there is discord between our behavior and beliefs. In order to quiet the dogfight going on in their heads most people come up with all sorts of justifications for their actions:  “everyone else is doing it,” “If I didn’t, someone else would,” “People take advantage of me so why shouldn’t I do it back?” and the list goes on. Despite their many reasons (aka excuses) they are still left with an unpleasant gnawing that eats away at their self-esteem and peace of mind. When the gnawing grows too intense, people come up with all sorts of creative ways to numb the pain and distract themselves from their unease. But still. . . it persists.

Restoring your sense of integrity will require giving up some of the payoffs you’ve become attached to. There’s no other way around it. Sorry. But the good news is that as you begin to clean up your act you will feel a whole new level of energy, self-worth and personal power.

So, what is stopping you from feeling 100% good about how you are operating in the world? Perhaps you’ve already have had a flash in your mind about an area of your life in which you don’t feel ‘right,’ where there’s an inconsistency between who you want to be and who you are being. If this is the case, then just know that you had that flash for a reason. It jumped in to your mind because, at your core level of being, you yearn to feel whole. Heed that voice! My book, Find Your Courage, has a great excercise called the Personal Integrity Audit.  Integrity is about doing what’s right, not what’s convenient and yes, sometimes integrity compels you to go out on a limb. . . but hey, that’s where the best fruit are! Until next time, honor yourself by doing what you know is right. . . however inconvenient.

Related posts:

1. What You Can Learn from Tiger’s Mistakes

These are the lyrics from a song I recently discovered on my 11 year old sons iPod.  Titled ‘Unwritten’, Natasha Bedingfield sings beautifully about what I believe about so passionately. That is, that we are the authors of our lives and that every day we get the opportunity to turn the page and write a new story about who we are and the circumstances we find ourselves in that determines our moment by moment experience of life.  

As human beings we create our words create our reality.  The conversations we have with others (what I call our ‘public’ conversations) and the one’s we have with ourselves (our ‘private conversations’) expand or shrink our ability to enjoy the success and happiness we want. The way you choose to describe the challenges you are facing, the issues you struggle with in your relationships and your ability (or lack thereof) to make the changes you would like has a profound impact not only on the actions you take, but your very experience of being alive in the world.

As I write this today I’m sitting in an airport in Dallas. I’ve been here over 6 hours due to storms that have closed the airport. I was supposed to be in Columbus, Ohio right now speaking at a conference. Alas, I’m at Chille’s sipping a coke instead. My new flight direct back to D.C. has me flying into a different airport than the one I flew out of (and where my car is parked). So I’m sitting here thinking, what do I want my experience of today to be? One of complete and utter frustration because I’ve missed the chance to speak (something I love to do) and foregone speaker fee in the process, or do I want to just let it all go, and create a positive story about this entire unanticipated experience.

The fact is, storms happen and flights get delayed.  The fact is thousands of others are left stranded just like me. The fact is, even the best laid plans can go asunder.  The fact is, I’m not in pain, no-one is injured and my kids won’t go hungry from the lost income.   The fact is today is a really fabulous opportunity for me to  practice the art of letting go which I wrote about in Chapter 11 of my book and which I will re-read as soon as I’ve finished writing… and bought a chocolate bar!
So, what about you? What’s the story you have about yourself, about the situation you are in right now? Where are you fighting reality and creating a lot of stress, hurt, resentment and frustration for yourself in the process? More to the point, where is the story you have written in your mind simply not working for you?

The reason I’m in Dallas is to spend time with a dear friend of mine who is undergoing chemotherapy for stage 3 breast cancer.  I love Mona for so many reasons and our conversations are always rich. As we parted ways curbside this morning, me heading to Ohio (or so I thought) and her heading for yet another chemo session, we talked about how none of us ever know what crosses we will have to bare in our life.  But without going too far off track here, my reason for sharing this is simply to reinforce my point that how we view our situation, how we carry our crosses, makes a profound difference to our ability to live our lives joyously, regardless of how heavy those ‘crosses’ may sometimes be.
It’s my guess that the economic woes afflicting the globe have affected you in some way, subtle or severely.  So my challenge for you today, is to rewrite the story you have about your circumstances.  Where are you being offered a wonderful opportunity to reconnect to the values you hold most deeply, to become more masterful in letting go the small stuff (which after all, is most of it), of taking on a more powerful viewpoint that leaves you at the helm (rather than a victim of your circumstances) and enables to move through your experience of today, tomorrow and your life more deeply, more fully, more peacefully. It doesn’t matter what you have written up to now. It matters only what you will choose to write from now on.  The world is filled with magical possibilities for you… not despite the crosses you have to bear or the challenges you must face, but because of them.
Today is where your book begins… how will you fill the pages to come?

Related posts:

1. Find Your Courage: 5 Simple Steps to Stop Fear From Running Your Life
2. Are you short changing yourself?
3. Are you living your life by design or by accident?
4. Four Steps to Harnessing the Power of Vision
5. Is Perfectionism Condemning You to a Life of Immaculate Mediocrity?
6. How powerful are you?

I guess it goes without saying that there are many people in the world who don’t live their lives powerfully. People who:

• continually find themselves a victim to their circumstances (and so are forever in “complaint”)
• are always trying to please or impress people around them
• say yes when they want to say no and so constantly find themselves over-committed (and failing to honor commitments)
• don’t challenge the values and beliefs of those around them nor take time to clarify their own
• allow other people’s moods and emotions to determine their own
• who settle for way less than what they want both from others and from themselves
• go through life rudderless and following the path of least resistance
• avoid speaking up if it might ruffle feathers, or worse, risk a confrontation
• don’t believe in their ability to change the things they don’t like nor to pursue the things they do

Of course at times we can all find ourselves failing to act in powerful ways (and yes, I’m speaking from experience ). But what matters most isn’t that we sometimes fail to express ourselves authentically, stand for what we want and refuse to settle for what we don’t. After all, we are all human. Rather what matters most is that we notice when we are doing so and then consciously choose to reset our sails, reclaim our voice and step forward doing and being all that we want for ourselves in life.

It is my deepest belief that we are all — and yes, that includes you — powerful beyond measure. That within you lies the resources to create and accomplish extra-ordinary things and to affect change in the world in extraordinary ways. Truly. The thing that keeps most people from doing that is not all the barriers the world has erected to keep them stuck. It is simply their lack of belief in themselves; in their own personal power.

In case you haven’t already picked it up, I’m pretty passionate about empowering people to reconnect with their personal power. Which is why I’m hoping this will cause you to stop all that busy doing and reflect, even if just for one minute, on the life you are living and the limits you have imposed on yourself. As I wrote about in my book Find Your Courage, the biggest barrier you face to having the life you want to live is the stories you’ve bought into about what is possible for you. So take a step back and ask yourself, “Where could I be more powerful?” Where could you be affecting positive change more profoundly and more boldly in the life you are living, in the lives of those around you, in your team, organization or community. . .  in the world at large. (For an example of personal power in action, please read about the One Day Without Shoes campaign!)

Believe me, you have more power in you to affect change, to produce results, to change your life and by default, the lives of others than you can possibly imagine!

And if you don’t know where to start, begin by answering this one simple question, “If I knew that I could change anything, what one thing would I choose to change in my life today?”

Related posts:

1. What life story are you writing?
2. Four Steps to Harnessing the Power of Vision

It’s inevitable throughout life that there will be people who, at times, leave you feeling wounded, under attack, deflated, disappointed or just angry. Anyone come to mind? Regardless of who it is, or why they upset you, or how much you believe that they are in the wrong (and you in the right!), these people all have something important to teach you, offering you a truly valuable opportunity to evolve into a bigger, wiser and more powerful person. Here are four things to keep in mind next time you are confronted with such a person.

1. It’s Not About You
When someone acts in a way that violates your sense of right and wrong, it’s likely you find yourself wondering, “How could that person be that way? Why are they so offensive, mean-spirited or manipulative?” Why so indeed. They behave that way because something inside them is driving them to be that way; they get a “pay off” from it on some level — conscious or not. It’s my experience that unresolved feelings of hurt, fear and inadequacy lie at the core of it all. After all, no one who feels truly good about themselves has the need to lash out at others, be harsh in their judgments, stinging with their words and hurtful in their actions.

So when someone behaves in a way that you find hurtful or offensive see it for what it is:  a huge whopping statement about how they feel about themselves. We all come across people in life with a strong need to prove their superiority — whether intellectual, moral, societal, financial or otherwise. But as I’ve discovered over the years, those people who are genuinely content with themselves (albeit still striving to do better) have absolutely no need to put others down nor to assert their superiority. After all, a superiority complex is really just an inferiority complex in disguise.

So please don’t take other people’s words and actions too personally. It says so much more about them — their fragile self-esteem, negative emotional state and narrow world view — than it does about you.

2. Two Wrongs Don’t Make A Right
When I was growing up, and fighting with my siblings all the time like most kids do, my mum would always be reminding me “Margaret Mary, two wrongs don’t make a right!” Though it didn’t feel that way at the time, experience has taught me that hurting someone for no other reason than “They hurt me first” never produces a positive outcome. The truth is that just because “they” hit below the belt doesn’t make it right for you to do the same. Sure when someone comes at you with the intention to wound, it’s a pretty instinctive to react by wounding them back. But here’s the thing:  when you choose to lower yourself to the same level of behaving (and it is a choice!), it serves nothing more than your pride and ego. And even then, it’s only a temporary hit for your ego as pretty quickly the situation will spiral down to the next level and your behavior will need to descend with it in order to mount your counter attack. Allowing others’ behavior to determine your own takes a profound toll on your self-worth and diminishes your sense of personal power. To para-phrase Gandhi “Be the change you want to see in others.” Not always easy to do, but always a powerful statement to make to those you are dealing with.

3. Be Compassionate
As human beings, we are always trying to do the best we can. Sure some people’s best efforts may seem to be mightily misguided from where you stand, and yes, some people seem to struggle at lot more when it comes to managing their emotions, maintaining relationships and interacting with the world around them. You can curse them. You can abuse them. You can “spit the dummy” (an Aussie phrase meaning to completely lose it!) and let them know in no uncertain terms that you think they have a very warped view of the world, that they are a complete loser, a control freak or a narcissistic demon who should burn in the fires of hell (. . . okay so I’m getting carried away). But what if, instead of reacting to their negativity, you could meet them from a place of compassion — for the suffering that is obviously fuelling their negativity and miserableness? Guy Finley, a colleague in the field of personal development wrote that “real compassion lies in our ability to remember that any angry, resentful person is usually just someone who can no longer bear the weary weight of his or her own concealed despair.” The fact is, people who are mean, aggressive, controlling or greedy are acting that way because fear, scarcity and anger dominate their emotional landscape. That can’t be much fun can it? Now I’m not saying that you should tolerate their bad behavior (far from it — setting boundaries with people who violate yours is important for your own well-being and self-respect!), BUT I am saying that it can be really helpful to you to try to feel compassion for the suffering that drives it.

4. Focus on What You Need to Work On
Most days I have at least one of my children run up to tell me about something “bad” one of their siblings or friends did. I generally respond with “But was there anything you did that wasn’t really good?” to which they generally respond by rolling their eyes heavenward and running away as fast as they arrived. I know when people press my buttons, it’s generally pointing to something I need to work on myself. I loathe superficiality; but at times I know I can be that way. I can’t stand people who are arrogant; yet sometimes I find myself looking down on people. I cringe in the company of narrow-minded people with small world views; but I guess there are things I’m narrow minded about myself (I just can’t think of any!  )

Real strength comes from uncovering a weakness. So only when we are willing to own our own failings, our own humanity, our own pettiness, our own resentments, fears and insecurities can we truly respond to others with the compassion that will not only serve them, enabling them to evolve into a “bigger” person, but it will deepen our own experience of life and with it, our acceptance of our own fallibility. Until then, when we respond with indignation, retaliation, superiority or adorning our own boxing gloves to “give as good as they gave us,” we only feed the seeds of their negativity and fuel the very forces that drive them to act as they do.

I want to leave you with the challenge of stepping back from the fray when you feel under attack (or wanting to attack!) and ask yourself:

• Where am I taking this too personally?
• How can I be bigger in the face of their smallness?
• How must this person be suffering for them to act as they are?
• What do I need to work on myself?

Until next time, I invite you to think bigger and to act bigger. . . particularly when those around you aren’t!

“Ahh, join the club” I thought. “Don’t we all?”

We can wish it were otherwise, but the way life works is that only by risking a mistake now and then (or risking “stuffing up” as we say in Oz), can you ever hope to accomplish the things you’d really like to do and experience the rewarding life you’d love to live.

But what are mistakes anyway? The “mis” in mistake comes from the Latin for wrong and so the word mistake literally translates as to “take wrongly.” So when you make a choice to take one course of action over another and your choice fails to produce to results you wanted (i.e., you got it wrong), you have literally made a mistake.

Obviously there are things you can do to maximize the chances that your actions will produce the results you seek. You can do your “homework,” research your options, create a spreadsheet and analyze the numbers. You can consult your financial advisor, your attorney, your mother or your fortune teller. But if you want to actually do something beyond what you’ve done up to now then at some point you are going to have to let go playing safe and risk stuffing up!

Without Risking Mistakes You Limit Success
No one likes to “stuff up.” Well, no one I’ve met anyway! But look at anyone who has accomplished anything of significance in their life you will find they’ve made a lot more mistakes than someone who has accomplished a little. Any achievement worth your time and energy doesn’t come with a guarantee of instant success. That’s why it takes courage. Only by having the courage to take a risk now and then can you ever hope to have what you want most — whether in your relationships, your career or business or your life in general.

Learn From the Lesson Every Mistake Offers
Whilst you may never relish the experience of making a mistake, you can choose to embrace the learning opportunity each mistake provides. Ultimately you can leverage your mistakes to strengthen your muscles for life and learn more about what you need to do in order to succeed. When you don’t risk mistakes, you sell yourself short, you stagnate and you deprive yourself of ever knowing how strong, resilient and capable you actually are.

Think about how many people who never learn to swim as children never even try to learn as adults. Why? Because they don’t want to go through the same learning curve that every young child does. “Far too humiliating!” Thank goodness we all learnt to walk and talk before our pride and fear got in the way and we took it upon ourselves to decide that our mistakes were a direct reflection of our own worth.

Often Only By Learning What Doesn’t Work Can We Discover What Does
Look back on some of the mistakes you’ve made during your life and you will see that you learnt far more from those experiences that didn’t unfold the way you initially hoped than those which did. When I started out writing my book Find Your Courage! a couple years ago I had no idea what lay beyond the initial writing process. Now that it’s printed I’m still going through a steep learning curve about what it takes to get a book from a collection of thoughts, onto book stores shelves and then, into the hands of readers. Still midway through the process I have no doubt that hindsight will reveal many “mistakes” (or wrong turns). But only by giving it a go can I ever hope to learn. By the way, make sure you get a copy for yourself.

You see, we’ve all got to start somewhere, whether it’s in learning a new skill, entering a new relationship, starting a business, taking on a new role at work, raising kids or writing a book! Part of how we learn what works is by learning first what doesn’t. Edison had to stuff up many many times before he was able to finally succeed. But as he said himself “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.”

You Are Not Your Mistakes
Whenever you make a mistake, it’s important to distinguish who you are from the results (or lack thereof) that you produced. The fact is, you are not your mistakes. So if your actions produce result Y instead of intended X, see it as just that. You may have stuffed up but that doesn’t mean you’re a stuff up. Not at all. Don’t make your mistakes mean any thing more or less or different than what they are. You made a mistake. That’s it. Period. Time to learn the lesson and move on.

So let go of having to achieve a perfect score when it comes to making the right decision every time. Cut yourself some slack and give yourself permission to not get things 100% right 100% of the time. Of course I am not advocating reckless abandon or irresponsibility. However, I am suggesting that once you’ve decided what you want to do (and done your due diligence) that you step into action toward it despite your doubts and misgivings. Better to choose to do something than to sit idly by waiting for the day to arrive when you know with 100% certainty which move to take (or choice to make) next. That day may be a loooong time coming.

Fear Regret More Than You Do Failure
Eleanor Roosevelt once said “Most folks tiptoe gently through life only to make it safely to death.” So, what new challenges would you take on (and what changes would you make) if you had no fear of stuffing up? Life is way too short to sit on the sidelines wondering what it would be like to play down on center field. So if there is something you’d really love to do, there is no better time than now to make a plan and get started toward it. For if not now, then when? And if not you, then who?

Fear regret more than you do stuffing up now and again. Life’s too short to be lived tip toeing safely through it.

Go Boldly!

Related posts:

1. Do you need to step up your persistence level?
2. Facing My Fear
3. Find Your Courage: 5 Simple Steps to Stop Fear From Running Your Life
4. Do you embrace change or resist it?

On my second evening there Abu offered me directions to travel out to some of the local refugee camps by public bus. “That’s why I’m here!” I thought and next day headed off. Man, what an eye opening experience. I arrived at a camp just past Bethlehem and, as instructed, asked to be taken to the home of one of the older men living there (in that part of the world, hitting 40 makes you old). I don’t recall his name but I do recall him to be a very gentle, warm and welcoming man. Formerly a university lecturer he was now out of work (unable to get to his work each day due to the curfews and travel restrictions on Palestinians — they were not permitted passports) and, with five children, he and his family existed in the squalid camp, surrounded by razor wire with empty oil barrels barricading the roads exiting out of the camp and little hope on the horizon. He walked me around the camp, introducing me to many people and giving me an intense history lesson along the way. I recall him being very learned and also, surprisingly, not filled with vengeance but with sadness. The day passed quickly, so quickly in fact that I missed the 4pm curfew to leave. He and his wife invited me to stay in their small home overnight. I accepted (not that I had much alternative) and enjoyed an incredibly memorable evening experiencing the amazing generosity of Arab hospitality. I slept on a mat on the floor beside his five children. They were all so bright and beautiful and it saddened me how bleak their prospects were to gain a proper education and enjoy the prosperity and freedom to travel the world as I was doing at the time.

As I was leaving the next morning he asked me to go back to my country (then Australia) and write about what I saw. His only hope for the future was based on the belief that if more people like me knew about their plight they would act to help. He shared how the Palestinian people felt betrayed by the Western governments for allowing such injustice to occur and failing to hold the Israeli government accountable for violating the Geneva Convention by illegally occupying territory that was not their own. I promised him I would do that.

I didn’t. My life, with all its opportunities and new adventures, got in the way. . .

So here I am, 17 years later, and every time I turn on the TV, graphic images of wounded children, grieving mothers and dead bodies blaze across the screen. I think about how much has progressed in my life and how little has progressed in the lives of those I met in Israel 17 years ago. To call it a tragedy is just too cliché.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not a supporter of Hamas. Nor do i deny or belittle in any way the legitimacy of the grievances of the Jewish people living in Israel whom Hamas terrorizes. In fact I deplore Hamas’ terrorist acts, how they use innocent Palestinians as human shields. I also abhor the hatred they spread and violence they inflict on Israelis. But I am deeply sympathetic to the plight of the Palestinian people, most of whom have lived their entire lives in poverty and without the right to live freely in a land they have inhabited for countless generations. I’ve often heard people ask, “how could any mother be proud of sending a child off to be a suicide bomber?” when what we should be asking is, “what depth of hopelessness and despair would drive a mother to send a child to their death?”

As most of you know I’ve never stepped into politics, domestic or international. Until now. I once heard it said that the only thing that is required for evil to reign is for good people to stand by and do nothing. I guess that would be me. Of course I don’t have the answer to the problems that have plagued the Middle East. However right now all I see occurring is hatred being bred into a new generation of Palestinian children. In a pocket of the world so long ravaged by hatred, pride, revenge and violence, no peace will ever be found through more of the same.

I hope that one day leaders will emerge on both sides (at the same time!) who are willing to let go righteousness and to commit to creating a future that is distinct from the past. That, in a spirit of mutual respect, they will engage in conversations that honor one another’s legitimacy and right to live in freedom and prosperity. Only then will trust be rebuilt through actions taken and promises kept and will those who have suffered so much for so long (on both sides) be able to look toward the future with hope.

When will that day come? I don’t know. I do know that that with about 500 Palestinians killed since December 27th, it won’t be any day soon. What’s any of this got to do with you? While the conflict that’s currently ravaging the streets of Gaza may seem very remote to your daily life, I am sure that there are lessons to be learned from it that you could apply to any conflict, resentment or bitterness that exists in your relationships. As I’ve heard said many times, there will never be peace in the world until there is peace in our homes.

So I ask you:  where are you righteous in your stance about an issue? Where would you be served by taking time to better understand the opinion of those around you? Where do you fail to treat others with the dignity they deserve? Where are you more committed to being right, and having your way, than to enjoying harmony in your relationship with someone? How might you be able to build trust where it has been damaged? Think about it!