Margie Warrell

No doubt you haven’t escaped the Tiger Woods headlines this past week. As far as I’m concerned this isn’t a story about money. It isn’t a story about whether he broke the law. It isn’t even a story about badly managed PR.  It’s a story about integrity. Or, sadly, the lack thereof.  (I actually spoke about this during a TV interview I did earlier today.)

Our society loves to put high-performing athletes up on pedestals according them, in the process, a semi-God like status.  With that we give them enormous influence on us, and more importantly, on our kids who rank elite athletes second only to parents (92%) and on par with teachers (72%) in terms of influence.  But of course, with great influence, comes great power and (to quote from the Karate Kid) with great power comes great responsibility.

I don’t know much  about Tiger Woods’ private life apart from the salacious news I’ve heard in the media this last week.  What I do know is that we should all be very careful in putting anyone up on a pedestal or expecting any individual to be infallible across the board.  Just because someone is a brilliant athlete (or actor or singer or politician) doesn’t mean they are always going to be a great role model.  Masterful skill in one area of life doesn’t automatically equate to robust integrity or even to plain old common sense.  If there’s any lesson in this whole sad Tiger Woods affair, it is this: beware of putting any individual up on a pedestal just because they are good at a sport!

Time and time again we’ve witnessed athletes, celebrities and people in positions of high office suddenly fall from grace.  Time and time again we’ve felt like they let us down.  We’d trusted them to do the right thing and they blew it.  Surely they should have known better, done better, been better than that. What the hell were they thinking?! It’s hard to imagine what it’s like to have millions of people in awe of you, but it seems as though they become drunk on their own fame, fortune and power.  Without something or someone to keep them well grounded, they lose their way and become lost in the public persona their publicists create for them. Viewing themselves as almost omnipotent, they delude themselves into thinking their behavior is immune to the consequences the rest of us face.  [...]

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Today is Women’s Equality Day and in a few hours I’m off to speak to a Federal Department here in DC to celebrate the occasion. The topic: “Leadership is a choice, not a position.” I think leadership ties in beautifully with women’s equality, indeed with all equality. After all, the women’s equality movement began in 1848, when five women sitting around drinking tea in Seneca Falls decided to put a notice in the local newspaper announcing “a convention to discuss the rights of women” to be held six days later. Six days later they drafted a declaration stating that “we find these truths to be self evident: that all men and women are created equal.” Of the 100 people who signed that declaration, only one, nineteen year old Charlotte Woodward, lived long enough to gain the right to vote 72 years later in 1920.

Now I’m not here to give you a history lesson on women’s rights. Rather I want to challenge you to examine how you define leadership, and more particularly, how you see yourself as a leader.  After all, how you see yourself as a leader determines how others see you.  For me, authentic leadership is about making a stand for what we believe in, for speaking up and for daring to create change (for ourselves and others) regardless of our formal position, status or authority. Leadership involves putting ourselves at risk in some way — but then again, to be outstanding in life, we must first be prepared to stand out in some way. [...]

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It’s what we look for in our leaders. What we hope for in our politicians. What we expect from our spouse and what we struggle with throughout our life. Integrity.

What does it mean to you? Have you thought about it? I know when I speak to different people everyone has their own idea of what it means. . . from being honest in your business dealings to not cheating on your tax return (or your spouse!).  But integrity goes way beyond being a good law-abiding citizen.  At its core, integrity is about having alignment between what you know is the right thing to do and what you are doing; between who you aspire to be, and who you are being. I’m all about people thinking big in life.  However, unless your actions are backed by a solid foundation of integrity, they will fail to produce the results you really want. Of course being the infallible human beings that we are, we often slip up. We tell a lie or fail to tell the truth, we make a mistake and try to cover it up, we treat someone poorly, we stay silent when we see someone else treated poorly. . . ahh, if only it were easy to always live with integrity. Needless to say, I’m not here to make you feel bad about those times you sell out or be dishonest (with yourself or others). Rather I just want to challenge you to address any areas of your life in which integrity might be. . . well. . .compromised. It could be: [...]

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“Live your life with arms wide open, Today is where your book begins… Your life is still unwritten…”

These are the lyrics from a song I recently discovered on my 11 year old sons iPod.  Titled ‘Unwritten’, Natasha Bedingfield sings beautifully about what I believe about so passionately. That is, that we are the authors of our lives and that every day we get the opportunity to turn the page and write a new story about who we are and the circumstances we find ourselves in that determines our moment by moment experience of life.   [...]

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Perhaps your idea of power relates to people in positions of high office and formal authority — politicians, company presidents, policemen and the like. But I define power not as formal authority, but as one’s ability to affect change. In other words, being powerful is far more than a job title; it’s an attitude. To me, truly powerful people are those who live life on their terms, who are comfortable in their own skin, clear about what they want, courageous in how they go about achieving it and very conscious of the power they have to choose their response to their circumstances.

I guess it goes without saying that there are many people in the world who don’t live their lives powerfully. People who:

• continually find themselves a victim to their circumstances (and so are forever in “complaint”)
• are always trying to please or impress people around them
• say yes when they want to say no and so constantly find themselves over-committed (and failing to honor commitments)
• don’t challenge the values and beliefs of those around them nor take time to clarify their own
• allow other people’s moods and emotions to determine their own
• who settle for way less than what they want both from others and from themselves
• go through life rudderless and following the path of least resistance
• avoid speaking up if it might ruffle feathers, or worse, risk a confrontation
• don’t believe in their ability to change the things they don’t like nor to pursue the things they do

Of course at times we can all find ourselves failing to act in powerful ways (and yes, I’m speaking from experience ). But what matters most isn’t that we sometimes fail to express ourselves authentically, stand for what we want and refuse to settle for what we don’t. After all, we are all human. Rather what matters most is that we notice when we are doing so and then consciously choose to reset our sails, reclaim our voice and step forward doing and being all that we want for ourselves in life.

It is my deepest belief that we are all — and yes, that includes you — powerful beyond measure. That within you lies the resources to create and accomplish extra-ordinary things and to affect change in the world in extraordinary ways. Truly. The thing that keeps most people from doing that is not all the barriers the world has erected to keep them stuck. It is simply their lack of belief in themselves; in their own personal power.

In case you haven’t already picked it up, I’m pretty passionate about empowering people to reconnect with their personal power. Which is why I’m hoping this will cause you to stop all that busy doing and reflect, even if just for one minute, on the life you are living and the limits you have imposed on yourself. As I wrote about in my book Find Your Courage, the biggest barrier you face to having the life you want to live is the stories you’ve bought into about what is possible for you. So take a step back and ask yourself, “Where could I be more powerful?” Where could you be affecting positive change more profoundly and more boldly in the life you are living, in the lives of those around you, in your team, organization or community. . .  in the world at large. (For an example of personal power in action, please read about the One Day Without Shoes campaign!)

Believe me, you have more power in you to affect change, to produce results, to change your life and by default, the lives of others than you can possibly imagine!

And if you don’t know where to start, begin by answering this one simple question, “If I knew that I could change anything, what one thing would I choose to change in my life today?”

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Do you ever deal with difficult people who seem to be unnecessarily hostile, petty or offensive? Ever find yourself wanting to dish out your own snide remark or act in a way that you know is childish? Go on, admit it, of course you do! We all find ourselves, on occasion, feeling tempted to act in ways that are “small,” particularly when there is someone who seems to be acting that way with us.

It’s inevitable throughout life that there will be people who, at times, leave you feeling wounded, under attack, deflated, disappointed or just angry. Anyone come to mind? Regardless of who it is, or why they upset you, or how much you believe that they are in the wrong (and you in the right!), these people all have something important to teach you, offering you a truly valuable opportunity to evolve into a bigger, wiser and more powerful person. Here are four things to keep in mind next time you are confronted with such a person.

1. It’s Not About You
When someone acts in a way that violates your sense of right and wrong, it’s likely you find yourself wondering, “How could that person be that way? Why are they so offensive, mean-spirited or manipulative?” Why so indeed. They behave that way because something inside them is driving them to be that way; they get a “pay off” from it on some level — conscious or not. It’s my experience that unresolved feelings of hurt, fear and inadequacy lie at the core of it all. After all, no one who feels truly good about themselves has the need to lash out at others, be harsh in their judgments, stinging with their words and hurtful in their actions.

So when someone behaves in a way that you find hurtful or offensive see it for what it is:  a huge whopping statement about how they feel about themselves. We all come across people in life with a strong need to prove their superiority — whether intellectual, moral, societal, financial or otherwise. But as I’ve discovered over the years, those people who are genuinely content with themselves (albeit still striving to do better) have absolutely no need to put others down nor to assert their superiority. After all, a superiority complex is really just an inferiority complex in disguise.

So please don’t take other people’s words and actions too personally. It says so much more about them — their fragile self-esteem, negative emotional state and narrow world view — than it does about you.

2. Two Wrongs Don’t Make A Right
When I was growing up, and fighting with my siblings all the time like most kids do, my mum would always be reminding me “Margaret Mary, two wrongs don’t make a right!” Though it didn’t feel that way at the time, experience has taught me that hurting someone for no other reason than “They hurt me first” never produces a positive outcome. The truth is that just because “they” hit below the belt doesn’t make it right for you to do the same. Sure when someone comes at you with the intention to wound, it’s a pretty instinctive to react by wounding them back. But here’s the thing:  when you choose to lower yourself to the same level of behaving (and it is a choice!), it serves nothing more than your pride and ego. And even then, it’s only a temporary hit for your ego as pretty quickly the situation will spiral down to the next level and your behavior will need to descend with it in order to mount your counter attack. Allowing others’ behavior to determine your own takes a profound toll on your self-worth and diminishes your sense of personal power. To para-phrase Gandhi “Be the change you want to see in others.” Not always easy to do, but always a powerful statement to make to those you are dealing with.

3. Be Compassionate
As human beings, we are always trying to do the best we can. Sure some people’s best efforts may seem to be mightily misguided from where you stand, and yes, some people seem to struggle at lot more when it comes to managing their emotions, maintaining relationships and interacting with the world around them. You can curse them. You can abuse them. You can “spit the dummy” (an Aussie phrase meaning to completely lose it!) and let them know in no uncertain terms that you think they have a very warped view of the world, that they are a complete loser, a control freak or a narcissistic demon who should burn in the fires of hell (. . . okay so I’m getting carried away). But what if, instead of reacting to their negativity, you could meet them from a place of compassion — for the suffering that is obviously fuelling their negativity and miserableness? Guy Finley, a colleague in the field of personal development wrote that “real compassion lies in our ability to remember that any angry, resentful person is usually just someone who can no longer bear the weary weight of his or her own concealed despair.” The fact is, people who are mean, aggressive, controlling or greedy are acting that way because fear, scarcity and anger dominate their emotional landscape. That can’t be much fun can it? Now I’m not saying that you should tolerate their bad behavior (far from it — setting boundaries with people who violate yours is important for your own well-being and self-respect!), BUT I am saying that it can be really helpful to you to try to feel compassion for the suffering that drives it.

4. Focus on What You Need to Work On
Most days I have at least one of my children run up to tell me about something “bad” one of their siblings or friends did. I generally respond with “But was there anything you did that wasn’t really good?” to which they generally respond by rolling their eyes heavenward and running away as fast as they arrived. I know when people press my buttons, it’s generally pointing to something I need to work on myself. I loathe superficiality; but at times I know I can be that way. I can’t stand people who are arrogant; yet sometimes I find myself looking down on people. I cringe in the company of narrow-minded people with small world views; but I guess there are things I’m narrow minded about myself (I just can’t think of any!  )

Real strength comes from uncovering a weakness. So only when we are willing to own our own failings, our own humanity, our own pettiness, our own resentments, fears and insecurities can we truly respond to others with the compassion that will not only serve them, enabling them to evolve into a “bigger” person, but it will deepen our own experience of life and with it, our acceptance of our own fallibility. Until then, when we respond with indignation, retaliation, superiority or adorning our own boxing gloves to “give as good as they gave us,” we only feed the seeds of their negativity and fuel the very forces that drive them to act as they do.

I want to leave you with the challenge of stepping back from the fray when you feel under attack (or wanting to attack!) and ask yourself:

• Where am I taking this too personally?
• How can I be bigger in the face of their smallness?
• How must this person be suffering for them to act as they are?
• What do I need to work on myself?

Until next time, I invite you to think bigger and to act bigger. . . particularly when those around you aren’t!

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Last week whilst talking with someone about the economy, the possibility of them being laid off and how they thought it was a good time to take a change in career direction came up. As we talked about what they needed to do to make it a successful transition in a down-turned economy they said, “I just wish I knew that this was the right thing to do. It feels like the right thing to do but I just wish I knew for sure it wasn’t going to be a mistake.”

“Ahh, join the club” I thought. “Don’t we all?”

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When I was 23 I spent 6 weeks backpacking on my own around the Middle East. Three in Egypt, one in Jordan and two in Jerusalem and the surrounding occupied territories of the West Bank. Being on my own made it that much more extraordinary because I found myself being invited into homes and connecting with people in ways I don’t think I would have had I had a traveling companion. In Jerusalem I stayed in the Islamic Quarter of the old city for no other reason than it was the cheapest place to stay. But being mid-January (and a lot colder than I’d imagined it could be) it was certainly not the most comfortable as they had no central heating and lukewarm showers (on a good day). In short, I froze. The man who ran the hostel, Abu, was a strong PLO supporter who’d been jailed six times (the first at age 12 for six months without any reason) and expected to be jailed many more. His brother had been killed by Israeli soldiers. Needless to say he was an interesting character and he delighted in talking to travelers like myself who were eager to know about the Middle East beyond the headlines and 6 o’clock news.

On my second evening there Abu offered me directions to travel out to some of the local refugee camps by public bus. “That’s why I’m here!” I thought and next day headed off. Man, what an eye opening experience. I arrived at a camp just past Bethlehem and, as instructed, asked to be taken to the home of one of the older men living there (in that part of the world, hitting 40 makes you old). I don’t recall his name but I do recall him to be a very gentle, warm and welcoming man. Formerly a university lecturer he was now out of work (unable to get to his work each day due to the curfews and travel restrictions on Palestinians — they were not permitted passports) and, with five children, he and his family existed in the squalid camp, surrounded by razor wire with empty oil barrels barricading the roads exiting out of the camp and little hope on the horizon. He walked me around the camp, introducing me to many people and giving me an intense history lesson along the way. I recall him being very learned and also, surprisingly, not filled with vengeance but with sadness. The day passed quickly, so quickly in fact that I missed the 4pm curfew to leave. He and his wife invited me to stay in their small home overnight. I accepted (not that I had much alternative) and enjoyed an incredibly memorable evening experiencing the amazing generosity of Arab hospitality. I slept on a mat on the floor beside his five children. They were all so bright and beautiful and it saddened me how bleak their prospects were to gain a proper education and enjoy the prosperity and freedom to travel the world as I was doing at the time.

As I was leaving the next morning he asked me to go back to my country (then Australia) and write about what I saw. His only hope for the future was based on the belief that if more people like me knew about their plight they would act to help. He shared how the Palestinian people felt betrayed by the Western governments for allowing such injustice to occur and failing to hold the Israeli government accountable for violating the Geneva Convention by illegally occupying territory that was not their own. I promised him I would do that.

I didn’t. My life, with all its opportunities and new adventures, got in the way. . .

So here I am, 17 years later, and every time I turn on the TV, graphic images of wounded children, grieving mothers and dead bodies blaze across the screen. I think about how much has progressed in my life and how little has progressed in the lives of those I met in Israel 17 years ago. To call it a tragedy is just too cliché.

Don’t get me wrong. I am not a supporter of Hamas. Nor do i deny or belittle in any way the legitimacy of the grievances of the Jewish people living in Israel whom Hamas terrorizes. In fact I deplore Hamas’ terrorist acts, how they use innocent Palestinians as human shields. I also abhor the hatred they spread and violence they inflict on Israelis. But I am deeply sympathetic to the plight of the Palestinian people, most of whom have lived their entire lives in poverty and without the right to live freely in a land they have inhabited for countless generations. I’ve often heard people ask, “how could any mother be proud of sending a child off to be a suicide bomber?” when what we should be asking is, “what depth of hopelessness and despair would drive a mother to send a child to their death?”

As most of you know I’ve never stepped into politics, domestic or international. Until now. I once heard it said that the only thing that is required for evil to reign is for good people to stand by and do nothing. I guess that would be me. Of course I don’t have the answer to the problems that have plagued the Middle East. However right now all I see occurring is hatred being bred into a new generation of Palestinian children. In a pocket of the world so long ravaged by hatred, pride, revenge and violence, no peace will ever be found through more of the same.

I hope that one day leaders will emerge on both sides (at the same time!) who are willing to let go righteousness and to commit to creating a future that is distinct from the past. That, in a spirit of mutual respect, they will engage in conversations that honor one another’s legitimacy and right to live in freedom and prosperity. Only then will trust be rebuilt through actions taken and promises kept and will those who have suffered so much for so long (on both sides) be able to look toward the future with hope.

When will that day come? I don’t know. I do know that that with about 500 Palestinians killed since December 27th, it won’t be any day soon. What’s any of this got to do with you? While the conflict that’s currently ravaging the streets of Gaza may seem very remote to your daily life, I am sure that there are lessons to be learned from it that you could apply to any conflict, resentment or bitterness that exists in your relationships. As I’ve heard said many times, there will never be peace in the world until there is peace in our homes.

So I ask you:  where are you righteous in your stance about an issue? Where would you be served by taking time to better understand the opinion of those around you? Where do you fail to treat others with the dignity they deserve? Where are you more committed to being right, and having your way, than to enjoying harmony in your relationship with someone? How might you be able to build trust where it has been damaged? Think about it!

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Happy New Year!

I’ve just arrived back in the US after a very full and fun 6 weeks Down Under. It was great to be there but I have to say, it is always nice to get home; back to my own bed, high speed internet, my closet (vs. my suitcase) and my work (yes, believe it or not, I’ve missed it!)

So here we are in January. Wow. with each passing year the months seem to roll into one another faster and faster. Which is why I believe it is so important, as one year ends and another begins, to take some time to think about what we want to do and be in the year ahead.

With all the economic turmoil of the last few months, many people – from those in DC to those in the Australian bush — are feeling rather anxious about the year ahead and wondering if they should be tucking money under the mattress like dear old nana once did. Certainly the media love to have us quaking in our boots but while there is sure to be some more gloom on the economic horizon, I don’t think it’s all doom. The media just know that fearful people buy a lot more newsapers and watch more TV than those who aren’t. It’s good business to breed it! But I reckon it’s times like this that instead of being fearful, we should turn off the TV, avoid the headlines and instead look for the opportunities that surround us to grow, learn and prosper. As the saying goes, fortune favors the bold.

Just last Friday night I was at a wedding in Melbourne where I caught up with a bunch of old friends from my days working at BP Oil. Some I hadn’t seen for over a decade. We got to talking about where our careers and lives have taken us over the intervening period and what struck me was how everyone spoke positively about their hard times, from being made redundant in corporate restructures to their relationship breakdowns and unplanned pregnancies. It reminded me how so often we get consumed by a problem in the moment that, if we could just trust in ourselves a bit more fully, we’d be able to handle our current challenges with less angst, knowing that in the long run, we will rise above them and our life will be all the better for the experience.

You only have to watch 20 minutes of headline news to know there’s a lot of crap happening in the world. While none of us can stop the bombing in the Gaza strip nor fix the economy with a quick wave of the wand, we can each take responsibility for our own attitude in the face of our individual challenges. As I remember studying back in psychology classes, focus on that which you can influence rather than on what you can’t. After all, it’s from the tough times when things don’t go as we’d like that we learn the most, develop our muscles for life and evolve as human beings.

Right now I’m gonna focus on having a strong coffee to get me through the haze of jetlag. I’m also going to commit, right here, right now, that in 2009 I’m not going to harp on, whinge and whine about how the downturn is affecting business nor about anything that is beyond my ability to control. No siree. I’m gonna walk my own talk and focus my conversations, my aspirations and my energy on things I can influence and do rather than on what I can’t. I’m also going to be even more bold in challenging people like you to step up to the plate and take on some bigger challenges and to dare to be part of the solution, rather than part of the problem.

And what about you? What are you committed to in 2009? Regardless of whether or not you made yourself a resolution on December 31st, or whether or not you’ve already fallen off the bandwagon, I invite you to think about who you are going to be in the year that lies ahead that will have you dealing with your challenges– whether in paying off your mortgage, leading your team or resolving conflict in your marriage – more successfully, more assertively and more boldly!

Now, for that coffee. . .

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“You can tell a man is clever by his answers. You can tell he is wise by his questions“ — Naguib Mahfouz, Egyptian Nobel Laureate

If I had a dollar for every opinion I’d heard over the last few months about what would solve the woes of the US economy, I reckon I’d be able to fund the entire $700 billion bailout myself!  The economy, energy independence, foreign policy, auto industry bailouts, war-torn Iraq, recalcitrant Iran, Sarah Palin, health care, Republican vs. Democrat. Man, there are a lot of different opinions out there and living a stone’s throw from Washington DD, I’ve been well and truly immersed in them!

Of course I don’t have all the answers to these big problems but what truly amazes me is how many people think they do. Julio Olalla, a wise man and masterful coach, once said “most people have answers to questions they have never asked.” Whether it’s the big problems facing the globe or the more personal problems people struggle with in their relationships, familys, careers and lives, most people have far more answers than they do questions. Just this last week I was with a client who stated, most emphatically, “but this is just the way it is!” in regard to a challenging situation he faced at work. But, as I pointed out, “this is not just the way it is, this is just the way it is FOR YOU!”

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