Margie Warrell » Blog

How to Keep Your Cool When Anger Takes Over

Margie Warrell — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 02:55:44 +0000

I recently read that 60% of Americans lose their temper at least once per week. I’d like to tell you I wasn’t in that number but alas, my kids would tell you otherwise.

Of course losing our temper is what happens when we fail to keep our anger in check. Something (or someone) pushes our buttons and, unable to contain our anger, we explode. The result is never pretty. Last week I was asked to talk about anger on Better TV. Despite my occasional outbursts at my kids I wouldn’t say I am a particularly angry person. Which got me thinking, why are some people constantly angry while others seem perpetually serene and calm? And for the majority of us who fall somewhere in the middle, how can we process the emotion of anger in more constructive ways?

First let me repeat what I wrote in my book Find Your Courage. Anger, on its own, is neither good nor bad. Rather it’s a natural emotion that arises when we perceive an injustice to ourselves or others. The problem does not arise when we have anger. It arises when anger has us. It’s how we respond to it that determines whether it is helpful to our relationships (by addressing valid issues that threaten to undermine them) and good for society (by working to end injustice) – or damaging to our relationships, destructive to our circumstances and plain old bad for our health (think heart disease, depression, ulcers…I’d go on but it doesn’t get better!). In other words, our response to anger ultimately creates more suffering for us and others, or less. It all hinges on how we process and express it.

Learning to manage anger isn’t easy. It takes a heightened level of self-awareness, a good dose of discipline and a robust commitment to honoring the dignity of others and our own. Below are a few strategies that will help you the next time you find yourself feeling as mad as a hatter.

The problem does not arise when we have anger. It arises when anger has us.

Label it. If you don’t own your anger, it will own you. Naming the emotion you feel enables you to process it. So if you can, step back and try to observe what’s going on — around you and within you. Verbalizing aloud, “I am feeling angry” helps you detach from it. Anger isn’t you. It’s just the emotion that has risen up in you.
Identify the fear fueling it. Underneath our anger is fear… fear of loss of property, relationship, security, reputation or control; fear of us or someone we love being hurt; fear that the crazy driver who just cut in front of you may damage your car. Clarifying why you feel angry helps you respond to it constructively.
Give yourself time out. The stress hormones anger triggers literally impair the oxygen flow to the brain. So it takes time for those hormones to level out and rational thinking to return. As cliché as it sounds, counting slowly to 10 before reacting can help defuse your temper. Better still, take a break from the person you’re angry with until your frustrations subside a bit. Go for a walk, run or bike ride, listen to music, take a bath, do some gardening, etc. I’ve found jumping on the trampoline with my kids highly therapeutic!
Consciously choose your response. Being able to consciously choose how you will respond is what anger management is all about. What is the most constructive response to this predicament? What is the outcome you most want to achieve that is good for you and others? What conversation do you need to have, with whom and about what? What changes need to happen?
Don’t bottle it up. While some people are quick to fire off in anger (damaging trust in their relationships in the process) others tend to bottle it up and stew on it. But issues that aren’t talked out get acted out. Denying or repressing anger is no better than lashing out with it. Resentments left to fester slowly build up… and up… and up… driving a wedge in your relationships and impeding your productivity until it gets very ugly.
Create daily rituals for staying centered. Managing anger begins with self-awareness. Mindfulness is something you do, not something you have. Regularly taking time to reflect on how you are feeling, identify the concerns that underlie it, become present to the impact your behavior is having on others, and re-center yourself emotionally are habits you can begin to develop right now.

We human beings are emotional beings. Forever evolving, forever wrestling with those uncomfortable emotions like anger, forever on a quest to rise above them and be firmly in control. The reality is that living life to the fullest requires us to experience the full spectrum of emotions. They all serve a purpose and yet they can all hijack our happiness if we aren’t honest enough with ourselves to own the primal fears that drive them…. of looking foolish, of injustice to ourselves or others, of being inadequate and insignificant, of being unlovable or rejected, of being vulnerable and hurt, of losing those we love, of losing control, of being mortal.

In the end, there is no magic bullet to remaining forever calm, contained and cool when something or someone has really pushed your buttons and frustration, resentment, anger and outright fury begin to well up in you. Learning to regulate our emotions is a lifelong pursuit. Sometimes two steps forward, one step back. So just as I will work to forgive myself for not always being a patient and calm mum, I encourage you to forgive yourself for the many times you have failed to control your temper. Forgive yourself for not managing your anger, rising above your fear, overcoming your insecurities and responding calmly and bravely to your challenges. And while you are at it, forgive those around you who’ve done the same. After all, the greatest remedy for everything that weighs your heart is forgiveness.

Question: What strategies do you use to keep anger from overtaking you?

Life’s Interruptions: Are You Making the Most of Them?

Margie Warrell — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 17:25:55 +0000

Apparently Thomas Jefferson and George Washington experienced a blizzard of similar magnitude to the one we did in Washinton D.C. area last weekend but certainly, it was the biggest recorded dump of snow since official records began. Having come from a place where even a thin layer of ice on a puddle mid-winter was cause for great excitement, I find having the landscape transformed to pure white quite magnificent.

What I have not found quite as magnificent is having my life interrupted. My four children have been home from school since Thursday and, alas, with another snow storm due to arrive tomorrow, they may well be off all week. Ukurumba…there goes those plans of mine!

Yet as I sit here with my homemade latte beside my keyboard (the esspresso machine I gave Andrew for Christmas has been worth its weight in gold these last few housebound days!), I can’t help but think about how this storm, with all the interruptions and inconveniences it has brought with it, is a valuable analogy for the bigger storms that come our way through life.

The problem isn’t that things happen in life that completely throw us off our plans, it is that we expect anything otherwise. Many years ago, midway through the second trimester of pregnancy with my first child, I discovered that it had died. It was New Year’s Eve 1996. To me that baby was already born. I was already a proud mother. But then, in the span of several minutes, without any signs to warn me, I discovered I wasn’t pregnant. I wasn’t going to have that cherished baby. That this new little life inside me was no more. And along with the end of that life, so too ended the plans I had for the year to come — to leave my job, to become a mother. After two more miscarriages I did have a successful pregnancy and on February 1998 I gave birth to a beautiful and healthy 9 pound boy. Lachlan (pictured above enjoying the snow yesterday) will be 12 this Saturday.

Life is too big, too complex, too fragile, too unpredictable and far too uncontrollable to ever expect that we can have things all unfold the way we would like them to. Life just doesn't work like that.

What I learnt from that first miscarriage (a lesson reinforced with other four miscarriages that I had on my way to having four children) was that we are never in control of our plans. Life is too big, too complex, too fragile, too unpredictable and far too uncontrollable to ever expect that we can have things all unfold the way we would like them to. Life just doesn’t work like that. As the saying goes, “Life is what happens while you are making other plans.”

Yes, for me in the realm of children, it was a happy ending with four healthy children. But for some it is not a happy ending. Well at least not the happy ending they would have ideally wanted. For some women, they never get to have the children they crave for. For my brother Frank, who was paralyzed from the waist down two years ago next month, he may never feel the ground beneath his feet again. For those who have lost people they love, had careers derailed, felt the sting of betrayal, suffered from addiction or made a mistake that could never be unmade, the reality they face may never be what they would have ideally wanted it to be.

It is when life does not unfold as we would want that we face the profound choice of how we will respond to the reality around us. Just as I could curse the snow that keeps my kids home from school today, so too we can curse the gods that brought illness and disappointment, suffering and sorrow, hardship and tragedy, into our lives. Or we can open our arms to the experience, we can look for the meaning, receive the lesson and accept the challenge to grow in our capacity for life that they bring.

The English poet Samual Johnson wrote, “Men are wise in proportion not to their experience but to their capacity for experience.” Who knows why bad things happen to good people, why some people seem to be faced with so much more suffering and misfortune than others, why opportunity and prosperity seem to fall into the laps of some yet elude the diligent efforts of others. I certainly don’t. What I do know though is that each of us are here to experience life to its fullest, to come to know our capacity for all of life — its joy and its rawness, its love and its loss — and, in doing so, to touch the life of others around us by the courage in which we live our own.

So today I will celebrate another day at home with my noisy, rowdy and not very tidy children. I am so blessed to have them. And while I’ve never been enamored with the idea of homeschooling, today I will give it a whirl… at least for an hour… or maybe 20 minutes. Who knows, I might even learn something from the experience.

And wherever this finds you right now, whatever interruptions threaten to disrupt the normal (if there is a “normal”) flow of your life, I encourage you to invite them in with grace, with self-trust and with a spirit of curiosity for the gifts they hold. It is those interruptions – unwanted, inconvenient and uncomfortable as they may be - that ultimately expand your capacity for life and enrich your experience of life the most.

Question: When was the last time you accepted life’s interruptions and turned what could be a negative experience into a positive gift? Please share your thoughts.

How to Stay Up When Your Job Search Has You Feeling Down

Margie Warrell — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 22:15:17 +0000

There are currently more Americans who have been unemployed for more than 6 months than any other time in U.S. history (6.1 million according to the latest figures). And while we hear reports that things are looking up for job seekers, we also have leading economists predicting that the job market may not improve much until 2012.

For those who have find themselves out of work, staying positive and proactive in their job hunt can be a lot easier said than done. Rejection after rejection can take a toll on self-confidence, and with that, the motivation needed to keep trying to find work. But does being unemployed have to mean being miserable? Of course not.

Last week, I appeared on Let’s Talk Live here in D.C. to share some thoughts on how to stay positive when looking for work.

If you’re out of work (or fear you may be soon), here are six strategies that will help you differentiate yourself from other job seekers, build your resume outside the workplace and land work despite the odds.

SPREAD THE WORD. The more people who know you are looking for a new job, the more people who can help you land one. Most people really do want to help but they need to know how they can help. Never underestimate the power of social networks when it comes to building your career, growing your business or finding work. Nothing beats a word of mouth referral or recommendation.
STAY UPBEAT. Let’s face it, being out of work can be a joyless experience, but there is nothing to be gained by spending your time getting down on yourself or sharing your story of victimhood with anyone who cares to listen. Potential employers are far more attracted to confident and positive people who have made the most of their extra time out of work than those who have succumbed to self-doubt, disillusionment and the daily TV soaps. Of course getting out the door and being cheerful isn’t always easy, but if you do your best to stay in positive conversations, focus on what you can do versus what you can’t and refuse to get stuck in complaining, then you will find it far easier stay up even when things are getting you down.
TIGHTEN YOUR BELT. When you suddenly become unemployed you may need to adjust your budget and stretch whatever severance you received as much as you can. If you qualify for unemployment benefits, register for them. You can always cancel them if you find work before they kick in. Putting first things first could mean that you have to cancel the cable, cook in more often and rent a DVD rather than head to the movies. Remember this is not forever but without your former income those small luxuries may prevent you from paying the bigger bills like the rent or the mortgage. Don’t let your pride get in the way of being smart and responsible with your money.
BE OPEN TO OPPORTUNITIES. There is always opportunity in adversity. Always. But those who find the opportunity will be those who are out there looking for it, persevering in the face of rejections and doing the preparation they need to do so that when opportunity arises, they are ready to seize it! Sometimes opportunity can come in disguise, like in a job offer for a position that you are overqualified for or pays less than what you earned before. Again, don’t let your pride trip you up from something that could lead to bigger and better things and pay the bills in the interim!
STAY HEALTHY! (Or if you aren’t healthy now, focus on improving it!) Being out of work heightens stress and being stressed lowers the immune system. So while there is never a good time to be sick, when you are in the job market (and your health insurance premium has increased because of that), it is a really bad time to get sick. So make your health and well-being – body, mind and spirit – a top priority. Take time every day to do something that lifts your spirit, that strengthens your body and that keeps your mind sharp. And yes sure, sometimes health issues can be beyond our control, but eating well, getting enough sleep and exercising our bodies are not.
GET ORGANIZED. Make looking for a job your new job. Schedule time every day to do something that moves you forward toward that goal, whether directly (by sending off an application, polishing your resume or making follow up phone calls) or indirectly by gaining skills that will make you a more attractive candidate. If there’s one thing that most people in full-time jobs complain about, it’s not having enough time to do everything else they want to do outside the office. Now that you have time on your hands, use it wisely! Keep a written log of jobs you’ve applied for and leads you need to follow up on. At the beginning of every week write down what you want to accomplish each day that week and then each day prioritize the tasks to ensure they get done. In short, get organized and make the most of each and every day!

Remember, nothing lasts forever and eventually this job market will turn around. In the meantime, staying positive and active will ensure that you are in the best position — both professionally and psychologically — to land your next job.

Question: What strategies have you used to stay positive during your job search? Looking back at other tough times you’ve managed, what lessons from then can you apply now to your job search?

Are Your Goals for 2010 BIG Enough?

Margie Warrell — Mon, 04 Jan 2010 18:07:29 +0000

Of course it doesn’t take the beginning of a new year to make a decision to start something new, make changes in how we are living our life or turn over a new leaf. We can do that any day of the year. But there is something about January 1st that makes it feel like a good time for new beginnings.

While reflecting on what I wanted to do in the year ahead, I found myself feeling a bit anxious. As someone who writes and speaks on living courageously, I wanted to come up with some really big, bold and audacious goals. Yet as I began to do so, I found myself feeling simultaneously overwhelmed by the thought that it was very likely I would fail to achieve them.

Which is when it occurred to me how important it is to make the distinction between a commitment (which any resolution or goal is) and an attachment.

Hopefully you are committed to achieving something(s) that is meaningful to you in 2010. Some of your goals may be very do-able (like my goal to try one new recipe each week). Others may be more of a stretch. What matters most though is not whether or not you achieve each of your goals (or resolutions), but that you give them your very best shot.

If you weren’t afraid of failing at achieving your goal and instead threw caution to the wind, what is one thing you would dearly love to accomplish between now and the clock striking midnight next New Year's Eve?

As I’m sure you well know, often life can get in the way of following through on what you’ve set out to do. Job loss, illness, market crashes, relocation, children… stuff like that. 2009 was a hard year for many, a cautious year for most, and an unpredictable year for all. And frankly I’m not sure that 2010 will offer any respite when it comes to living with uncertainty. But that doesn’t mean we should hang up the towel and declare 2010 the year of “getting by.” It just means that we need to be willing to adapt them to new circumstances as they arise and let go of our attachment that everything should happen just as we think it should.

So, let me ask you, if you weren’t afraid of failing at achieving your goal and instead threw caution to the wind, what is one thing you would dearly love to accomplish (change, do, create…) between now and the clock striking midnight next New Year’s Eve? What one thing would give you an incredible sense of achievement, delight and joy? (It may be more than one, but it must be at least one thing).

Life never guarantees you anything. Certainty (even in a robust economy) is an illusion. Our experience of life is always what we create it to be and we always have the capacity for new and deeper experiences. So, what’s it gonna be for you in 2010? A year that strengthens your “life muscles” and enlarges your capacity to live it fully or a year that has you playing safe on the sidelines, afraid that if you dare to live it more boldly it mightn’t work out as you want.

The choice is always yours but the bigger risk to take in life is to not take any risks. As Anais Nin said, “Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.” So here’s to a year of expansion — in your relationships, in your career or business, in the impact you make on those around you, in your ability to rise to the challenges that life brings your way and most of all, to your experience of being alive in the world.

A Reflection on What Christmas Represents

Margie Warrell — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 04:05:03 +0000

On the eve of Christmas I just wanted to remind you to take a moment to reflect on what the Christmas holiday represents. It is a time to deepen the connection you share with family (near and far); to experience gratitude for your many blessings; to remember the precious lessons you’ve learned in the year just past (however disguised they were at the time); to laugh at yourself as you wonder why it took you so long to learn some of them; and most of all, to think about how you can use your hard-earned wisdom to create a more meaningful and rewarding future… in 2010 and beyond.

Let go your attachment to having everything be ‘just perfect’ this Christmas. Rather, go with the flow and savor the unique experience of this festive season — for all that it is and for all that it isn’t. Life, with all its ups and downs, its joy and its sorrow is a precious gift.

Time to celebrate!

Photo courtesy of kugelfish

By the way, as you read this if you’re struggling with how to ease the stress, then watch this interview from yesterday on how to experience more joy this Christmas season.

The One Gift That Matters Most This Holiday Season

Margie Warrell — Thu, 17 Dec 2009 12:02:11 +0000

As I try to move down my big, long to-do list this week in preparation for all the merrymaking I will be doing in the weeks ahead, I’ve found myself feeling a bit overwhelmed. Okay, more than a bit. So I have stopped. Stopped to take a big deep breath, to look out the window at the sun streaming in and to ask myself “Why the hurry?”

As I’m sure you’ve experienced yourself, it’s very easy to get caught up on the “do it all” and “be it all” merry-go-round this time of year. They call it the silly season for a reason. Which is why I’ve stopped mid-flight and am writing to you right now. Because most of the time I find that if there’s something I’m struggling with, someone else is too.

So, what to do? First up, is to breathe. It may sound foolish or overly simplistic but pausing and just focusing on the very simple act of breathing can be quite transforming. So how about you do it. Yes…right now. Just follow your breath…in…and out…and as you exhale, imagine all the stressful thoughts leaving your body, your psyche, your spirit and in their place leaving a peaceful quiet and a deep knowing that all is well.

It will only take you one minute right now to breathe in 10 big deep breaths but it will make a difference for many hours to come. I know you have lots on your plate but I also know that you, like me, can spare one minute.

By letting go having to have it all be perfect, a weight would be lifted from you, enabling you to be more present, more engaged in the moment and more open to experiencing (and giving away) the true Christmas spirit.

Next up is to ask yourself what really matters to you this Christmas season? Is it to have the best wrapped presents, the most decorated home, the hippest holiday party or is it to truly connect with the people you love most in the world, to deepen the bonds you share and celebrate all the wonderful things that life has brought you?

Presents can be great (really, feel free to send me one anytime you like!) but there is NO greater gift you can give another than your presence. Nothing. It conveys far more than any store-purchased gift can ever do. It makes them feel loved, valued, cared for. In turn it brings more love and meaning into your own life.

So before you press delete and race on through your own long list, ask yourself how much it would really matter if you never got through it. Would the world stop turning? Would your family stop loving you or your friends drop you like a hotcake? Of course not. As you know yourself, it wouldn’t really change all that much. But by letting go having to have it all be perfect, a weight would be lifted from you, enabling you to be more present, more engaged in the moment and more open to experiencing (and giving away) the true Christmas spirit.

Today I am not going to edit this blog post. I am not going to try to perfect it. If there are typos, so be it. If it doesn’t flow properly or make perfect sense, so be it. But if it causes you to stop, to pause, to breathe and to reconnect with what truly matters and to remember the reason for the season, then I am content.

If you have the time, take a minute to watch an interview I did on how to manage holiday stress. Wishing you a happy and holy holiday season. May those you love feel truly loved by you — not by what you give to them, but by who are you being with them. And, as always I’d love to hear your opinion. What strategies or tips do you use to stay mindful of the spirit of this season?

What You Can Learn from Tiger’s Mistakes

Margie Warrell — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 22:12:28 +0000

No doubt you haven’t escaped the Tiger Woods headlines this past week. As far as I’m concerned this isn’t a story about money. It isn’t a story about whether he broke the law. It isn’t even a story about badly managed PR. It’s a story about integrity. Or, sadly, the lack thereof. (I actually spoke about this during a TV interview I did earlier today.)

Our society loves to put high-performing athletes up on pedestals according them, in the process, a semi-God like status. With that we give them enormous influence on us, and more importantly, on our kids who rank elite athletes second only to parents (92%) and on par with teachers (72%) in terms of influence. But of course, with great influence, comes great power and (to quote from the Karate Kid) with great power comes great responsibility.

I don’t know much about Tiger Woods’ private life apart from the salacious news I’ve heard in the media this last week. What I do know is that we should all be very careful in putting anyone up on a pedestal or expecting any individual to be infallible across the board. Just because someone is a brilliant athlete (or actor or singer or politician) doesn’t mean they are always going to be a great role model. Masterful skill in one area of life doesn’t automatically equate to robust integrity or even to plain old common sense. If there’s any lesson in this whole sad Tiger Woods affair, it is this: beware of putting any individual up on a pedestal just because they are good at a sport!

Integrity is one of many paths we can follow in life. It distinguishes itself from others by being the only path upon which one can never get lost.

Time and time again we’ve witnessed athletes, celebrities and people in positions of high office suddenly fall from grace. Time and time again we’ve felt like they let us down. We’d trusted them to do the right thing and they blew it. Surely they should have known better, done better, been better than that. What the hell were they thinking?! It’s hard to imagine what it’s like to have millions of people in awe of you, but it seems as though they become drunk on their own fame, fortune and power. Without something or someone to keep them well grounded, they lose their way and become lost in the public persona their publicists create for them. Viewing themselves as almost omnipotent, they delude themselves into thinking their behavior is immune to the consequences the rest of us face. They live in the illusion, like Lehman Brothers once did, that they are too big too fail… or at least to too famous to fall. And only when reality catches up to them, and they come crashing down to earth with a headline-making thud, can they begin to see that they are no more immune to the consequences of their choices, and no less fallible, than the rest of us. In the meanwhile, families are devastated and the respect and trust of adoring fans is damaged as the heroes they so desperately wanted to believe in lose their cape.

None of us are flawless. Good people do bad things. Seemingly smart people do dumb things. We all find ourselves in moments of choice where we feel tempted to do something we know in our heart isn’t the right thing. And we’ve all had those times where we’ve veered off course. Myself included. Certainly Tiger Woods has a huge reservoir of goodwill to be dipping into in the weeks and months ahead as he seeks to restore the trust of his fans and those closest to him. His wife in particular. I have to say, I’d be none too happy if I were in her shoes. I wish him well. I’m sure his fans are willing to forgive him but they need to see some genuine humility first. Trust is a precious commodity. It can take a long time to build but only one moment of transgression to lose. Something all those who have been given the trust of the masses would be well served to keep forefront in mind.

Learning to discern between who you should trust, and what you should trust them with is an important skill to learn in life. With that in mind, my question to you is this: where have you made false assumptions about the lives and characters of others that led to disappointment? Where have you placed trust too hastily or fallen in to awe too quickly?

I’d love to hear what you think about this so please share your comments below.

Quote for today – ‘Integrity is one of many paths we can follow in life. It distinguishes itself from others by being the only path upon which one can never get lost.”

A Stress-Free Thanksgiving? Yes, It’s Possible

Margie Warrell — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 02:35:17 +0000

Growing up in Australia, my only experience of Thanksgiving was through American television. Somehow it seemed a lot like Christmas. . . except of course without Santa. Having lived in America now over eight years I’ve come to really love the Thanksgiving holiday. The idea that the last Thursday of November each year is put aside so that people can come together and share thanks for their blessings is, I believe, an incredibly special and valuable tradition.

Of course Thanksgiving, and the festive season it kicks off, can be a very stressful time for many people. The Martha Stewart-like images of happy families, dressed in the lastest holiday fashion, sitting around a decadently decorated table feasting joyfully on gourmet delights, create expectations that can never measure up to reality. Then again, can reality ever measure up to glossy magazine covers? The impact it can have is to leave people feeling like something is missing from their lives. Instead of feeling gratitude for all the goodness present in our lives, many of us find ourselves feeling sad and resentful for all that is missing. . . whether it be someone else to host Thanksgiving lunch, relatives who don’t drive us crazy or a lack of resources to recreate that magazine cover in reality.

What expectations do you place on yourself, on others and on reality that keep you from experiencing the full quota of joy and gratitude you’d like to feel in the week ahead?

So my challenge to you this Thanksgiving holiday (and for those of you not in the US, this festive season in general) is to let go all your expectations about how it “should be” and instead to embrace the circumstances you find yourself in for all that they are, and for all that they aren’t.

While I’ve often traveled back to Australia for the holiday season, this year I’m not. Will I feel some sadness about not having my family (I’m one of seven kids!) closer by to celebrate with? Sure. But I know that dwelling on what’s not just as I’d like it to be keeps me from being grateful for all that is really wonderful. What about you? What expectations do you place on yourself, on others and on reality that keep you from experiencing the full quota of joy and gratitude you’d like to feel in the week ahead? And if you made the decision right now to let those expecations (however reasonable you think they are!) go, how will that ease your frustration and resentment and infuse you with gratitude and peacefulness in their place?

Yes, you can march hurriedly into this silly season with the vigor of a muckety elf, or you can move peacefully through it into 2010 with a spirit of gratitude, wonder and a lightheartedness about all those things that aren’t exactly as you’d like them to be.

Ultimately the choice is yours but just remember, when you catch yourself feeling peeved off with relative X, that the problem is not person X (or Y or Z). The problem is that you expect them to be any different. It’s our attachment to how people (and things) should be that creates all the stress in the first place.

So on that note I invite you to watch this tv interview I did recently about how not to let your family stress you out this Thanksgiving.

Here’s to a Thanksgiving brimming with gratitude for all that you have, for all that you are and for all the people in your life. . . even the ones who press your buttons!

The Fort Hood tragedy: what emotions has it triggered in you?

Margie Warrell — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 00:46:12 +0000

The shootings at the military base in Fort Hood last week were tragic. There is no upside. Twelve good men and women now lie dead. Thirty others are still recovering from injuries. Countless more are still weighted down with incredible grief and shock and anger as they come to terms with the loss of those they loved and served their country with.

No doubt in the weeks ahead we will hear a lot about the possible motivations and warped thinking of Nidal Hassan, the man accused of murdering these people. This psychiatrist will find himself being psycho-analyzed again and again and again. And at the end of it all, we will still be left with more questions than answers. We will also be left wondering, is there anywhere that we can feel safe anymore? Who can we really trust? How could the warning signs from such an unstable person been missed?

I do not want to focus this newsletter on why Nidal Hassan did what he did. Nor on who he is. Nor on what systemic malfunction permitted him to be in the role he was. Lord knows the media are working overtime doing that. Rather I think it is of more value to you (and me) to explore how we, in the face of such an event which has triggered such intense horror and grief, can continue to move forward as wholehearted, trusting, compassionate and courageous people?

Sadness, horror, grief, anger, disillusionment – all of these are normal and healthy emotions which help us navigate our way through life and point us to what matters most to us. The well-being of those we love, our own safety and security and the importance of loyalty . . . to our friends, to our colleagues, to our country.

As Mary Tyler Moore once said, “Pain nourishes courage. You can’t be brave if you’ve only had wonderful things happen to you.” Actually I would say, you can’t know joy or delight or accomplishment or any great emotion if nothing has ever gone wrong.

If we don’t own our emotions, they own us. Acknowledging our emotions is crucial if we are not to be consumed by them. Every emotion you feel is legitimate. It is also constructive. . . to a point. If your anger motivates you to address a perceived injustice then that is a good thing. If your fear motivates you to do get out of harm’s way then that is also a good thing. Likewise if your sadness helps you realize how much you care about something (or someone) then that is a good thing too. However there is an important difference between emotions that positively motivate us and those that control us. Sadly, all too often emotions like anger and fear take such a firm hold on our psyche that they cloud our thinking and drive us to to act in ways that sabotage our relationships, suck the joy out of our lives and create profound suffering.

Constructive emotions become destructive when we hold on to them beyond their usefulness. Emotions become destructive when we hold on to them beyond their usefulness. If you are still feeling angry about the grade your high school teacher gave you back in 1983 it’s time you let it go. Sure, take the learning the event provided but leave behind the emotion that weighs you down. Likewise if you are allowing your fear of something bad happening to you to keep you from getting on with living your life fully then perhaps you need to make the decision to be more courageous. Last week’s events don’t change the fact that most of the things we fear might happen never actually occur.

Emotions are like Ying and Yang: We cannot feel great joy unless we are open to deep sorrow. We human beings are emotional creatures. We cannot be whole unless we are open to feeling fully the array of emotions that come with the privilege of being human. When we deny, discount or numb (through alcohol, shopping, drugs or any other means) an uncomfortable emotion, we also limit ourselves from feeling its opposite. You cannot experience the richness of joy in life unless you are also willing to experience its deep sorrow. You cannot experience the delight of an intimate relationship unless you are also willing to allow yourself to become vulnerable to the pain of loss and rejection. You cannot have your cake and eat it too. As Mary Tyler Moore once said, “Pain nourishes courage. You can’t be brave if you’ve only had wonderful things happen to you.” Actually I would say, you can’t know joy or delight or accomplishment or any great emotion if nothing has ever gone wrong.

We create suffering when we deny, discount or avoid feeling fully. So as you work through your own emotions in the wake of Fort Hood, or in the wake of any significant experience that has left you upset over recent days or months, remember that unpleasant emotions are not something to be avoided, played down or numbed. They need to be felt. We inadvertently create for ourselves far more suffering (and neurosis) by refusing to feel pain and suffering, than by embracing it as a normal part of the human experience. (My book Find Your Courage includes some powerful excercises to help you release negative emotions).

Suffering and sadness are as integral a part of your journey through life as joy and love. No one gets through life without an experience of it. While we cannot choose whether to experience it, we can choose HOW we will experience it. We can embrace it or rail against it. We can learn from it or we can grow bitter from it. We can try to find logic within it or we can simply live in the mystery and accept that some questions may never be answered. We can let it harden our hearts or we can let it open them, making us more compassionate to the suffering of others. We can drown in it or we can, with time and faith, rise above it.

For those who lost family members and friends last week in Texas (where I am heading tomorrow), I can only extend my deepest sympathy. I do not pretend to know the depth of their sorrow, but I do know that this sorrow is not an end destination, but rather a season that they will one day, with grace and courage, leave behind.

I invite you to feeling more fully all the emotions that life stirs up in you. And as you do, know that the sum of who you are is bigger than any single emotion; that within you lies all the strength and courage you ever need to live wholeheartedly and rise above the challenges and sorrows that may come your way.

Until next time, live wholeheartedly. The alternative is not really living at all.

Are Your Comfort Zones Holding You Back?

admin — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 02:48:03 +0000

I’m heading to Florida tomorrow for a few days of sunshine. Friends who have a home in Key Largo have invited us down and we figured it would be a fun place to spend Halloween! The last time I was in the Florida Keys was nearly twenty years ago. I was backpacking around the US and hired a rental car with a friend in Miami. We drove down to Key West and then slept in the car overnight to avoid paying for accommodations. We showered in the public showers. We ate cheap food and saved our money for the bar. It wasn’t comfortable but it was a hell of a lot of fun. Looking back over the ensuing twenty years I’m hit with the amount of change I’ve experienced since then. If you’d told me back in 1990 that 19 years later I’d be living in Virginia with four kids I don’t know if I’d have believed you. Ahhh, what an adventure life has been. Which is why today’s post is going to be a reflection on change.

Change is a constant in our lives and yet so often we resist it. As human beings we are wired to avoid change because any type of change, even change for the better, involves a level of discomfort in some shape or form. The whole concept of comfort zones evolved to explain the hedonistic psychological drive in all of us to seek pleasure and avoid pain. Comfort zones — characterized by the familiar, the known, the predictable — are where we risk little except, of course, our spirit’s deepest fulfillment. Change, by its very nature, requires us to step beyond our comfort zone and let go of something we’ve become familiar with — whether it be a the structure of our company, a relationship, a routine, a neighborhood or a physical environment in which we’ve lived or worked — and adapt to something new, something unfamiliar.

Upgrading your experience of being alive in the world requires willingness to pursue continual personal growth. Growth does not occur in comfort zones.

As someone who has moved around a lot over the last decade and had four children along the way, I know all too well that change can not only be uncomfortable but it can be inconvenient and, at times, quite overwhelming (as every new mother will tell you). However I also know that unless you are willing to embrace change in your life, you will miss the opportunities your ever-changing environment presents and will be unable to create for yourself a life you really enjoy living.

Perhaps you are someone who feels very averse to change. A creature of habit you call yourself. That is all fine and good. But if your aversion to change has left you unwilling to address the areas of your life you don’t feel good about and fulfill your own unique potential then it is coming at a cost to you. In my experience when people choose to avoid change, even positive change, it is because they doubt their ability to take on the challenges that change will bring. Fear keeps them stuck and resigned to the status quo.

Is there something you do feel not completely great about in any of these aspects of your life?

Your relationships
Your home and work environment
Your career (or lack thereof)
Your health and general sense of well being
Your finances
Your sense of community
Your recreation/leisure time
Your life in general!

What would need to change to bring into your life more of what you wanted and less of what you didn’t in whichever areas you feel dissatisfied with? People who achieve true success in their professional and personal lives are those who view change not as something that is bad and to be avoided but as something that is necessary if they are to move toward the goals that inspire them. They don’t resist. They embrace. Likewise the only way you can ever have the life you’d really love to live is by proactively going out and making whatever changes need to be made. But what’s that you say? You feel scared, daunted even? Well of course you do, you’re human! No one is born immune to fear and self-doubt. We all experience it. Likewise, no one is born with an absence of courage. Courage lies within each of us and is not an absence of fear but action in spite of it. So whatever changes you’ve been putting off, know you are capable of taking on much more than you have been giving yourself credit for. Stop underestimating yourself! Sure your life right now might be relatively easy and comfortable but that doesn’t mean it is truly rich in the stuff that makes it truly rewarding and meaningful.

Upgrading your experience of being alive in the world requires willingness to pursue continual personal growth. Growth does not occur in comfort zones. In fact the only way you can grow into your full potential is by stretching yourself a little now and then, and as you do, leaving behind the old in order to experience the new. When you approach change with the right attitude you will become much more confident in your ability to handle life’s challenges and to take on bigger, more exciting challenges that really inspire you.

Today I encourage you to take one small action toward addressing something you feel dissatisfied with. It may require a change to your daily routine, who you hang out with, your commitments, your eating habits, your spending habits or to your willingness to have conversation that you’ve long been putting off. . . whatever! The most important thing is to step into action and as you do remember that you really are much much more capable and courageous than you think you are!