Margie Warrell

I recently read that 60% of Americans lose their temper at least once per week. I’d like to tell you I wasn’t in that number but alas, my kids would tell you otherwise.

Of course losing our temper is what happens when we fail to keep our anger in check. Something (or someone) pushes our buttons and, unable to contain our anger, we explode. The result is never pretty. Last week I was asked to talk about anger on Better TV. Despite my occasional outbursts at my kids I wouldn’t say I am a particularly angry person. Which got me thinking, why are some people constantly angry while others seem perpetually serene and calm? And for the majority of us who fall somewhere in the middle, how can we process the emotion of anger in more constructive ways?

First let me repeat what I wrote in my book Find Your Courage. Anger, on its own, is neither good nor bad. Rather it’s a natural emotion that arises when we perceive an injustice to ourselves or others. The problem does not arise when we have anger. It arises when anger has us. It’s how we respond to it that determines whether it is helpful to our relationships (by addressing valid issues that threaten to undermine them) and good for society (by working to end injustice)  – or damaging to our relationships, destructive to our circumstances and plain old bad for our health (think heart disease, depression, ulcers…I’d go on but it doesn’t get better!). In other words, our response to anger ultimately creates more suffering for us and others, or less. It all hinges on how we process and express it.

Learning to manage anger isn’t easy. It takes a heightened level of self-awareness, a good dose of discipline and a robust commitment to [...]

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Apparently Thomas Jefferson and George Washington experienced a blizzard of similar magnitude to the one we did in Washinton D.C. area last weekend but certainly, it was the biggest recorded dump of snow since official records began.  Having come from a place where even a thin layer of ice on a puddle mid-winter was cause for great excitement, I find having the landscape transformed to pure white quite magnificent.

What I have not found quite as magnificent is having my life interrupted. My four children have been home from school since Thursday and, alas, with another snow storm due to arrive tomorrow, they may well be off all week.  Ukurumba…there goes those plans of mine!

Yet as I sit here with my homemade latte beside my keyboard (the esspresso machine I gave Andrew for Christmas has been worth its weight in gold these last few housebound days!), I can’t help but think about how this storm, with all the interruptions and inconveniences it has brought with it, is a valuable analogy for the bigger storms that come our way through life.

The problem isn’t that things happen in life that completely throw us off our plans, it is that we expect anything otherwise.  Many years ago, midway through the second trimester of pregnancy with my first child, I discovered that it had died. It was New Year’s Eve 1996. To me that baby was already born. I was already a proud mother. But then, in the span of several minutes, without any signs to warn me, I discovered I wasn’t pregnant. I wasn’t going to have that cherished baby. That this new little life inside me [...]

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Of course it doesn’t take the beginning of a new year to make a decision to start something new, make changes in how we are living our life or turn over a new leaf. We can do that any day of the year. But there is something about January 1st that makes it feel like a good time for new beginnings.

While reflecting on what I wanted to do in the year ahead, I found myself feeling a bit anxious. As someone who writes and speaks on living courageously, I wanted to come up with some really big, bold and audacious goals. Yet as I began to do so, I found myself feeling simultaneously overwhelmed by the thought that it was very likely I would fail to achieve them.

Which is when it occurred to me how important it is to make the distinction between a commitment (which any resolution or goal is) and an attachment.

Hopefully you are committed to achieving something(s) that is meaningful to you in 2010. Some of your goals may be very do-able (like my goal to try one new recipe each week). Others may be more of a stretch. What matters most though is not whether or not you achieve each of your goals (or resolutions), but that you give them your very best shot.

As I’m sure you well know, often life can get in the way of following through on what you’ve set out to do. Job loss, illness, market crashes, relocation, children… stuff like that. 2009 was a hard year for many, a cautious year for most, and an unpredictable year for all. And frankly I’m not sure that 2010 will offer any respite when it comes to living with uncertainty. But that doesn’t mean we should hang up the towel and declare 2010 the year of “getting by.” It just means that we need to be willing to adapt them to new circumstances as they arise and let go of our attachment that everything should happen just as we think it should.

So, let me ask you, if you weren’t afraid of failing at achieving your goal and instead threw caution to the wind, what is one thing you would dearly love to accomplish (change, do, create…) between now and the clock striking midnight next New Year’s Eve? What one thing would give you [...]

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On the eve of Christmas I just wanted to remind you to take a moment to reflect on what the Christmas holiday represents. It is a time to deepen the connection you share with family (near and far); to experience gratitude for your many blessings; to remember the precious lessons you’ve learned in the year just past (however disguised they were at the time); to laugh at yourself as you wonder why it took you so long to learn some of them; and most of all, to think about how you can use your hard-earned wisdom to create a more meaningful and rewarding future… in 2010 and beyond.

Let go your attachment to having everything be ‘just perfect’ this Christmas. Rather, go with the flow and savor the unique experience of this festive season — for all that it is and for all that it isn’t. Life, with all its ups and downs, its joy and its sorrow is a precious gift.

Time to celebrate!

Photo courtesy of kugelfish

By the way, as you read this if you’re struggling with how to ease the stress, then watch this interview from yesterday on how to experience more joy this Christmas season.

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As I try to move down my big, long to-do list this week in preparation for all the merrymaking I will be doing in the weeks ahead, I’ve found myself feeling a bit overwhelmed. Okay, more than a bit. So I have stopped. Stopped to take a big deep breath, to look out the window at the sun streaming in and to ask myself “Why the hurry?”

As I’m sure you’ve experienced yourself, it’s very easy to get caught up on the “do it all” and “be it all” merry-go-round this time of year. They call it the silly season for a reason.  Which is why I’ve stopped mid-flight and am writing to you right now. Because most of the time I find that if there’s something I’m struggling with, someone else is too.

So, what to do? First up, is to breathe. It may sound foolish or overly simplistic but pausing and just focusing on the very simple act of breathing can be quite transforming. So how about you do it. Yes…right now. Just follow your breath…in…and out…and as you exhale, imagine all the stressful thoughts leaving your body, your psyche, your spirit and in their place leaving a peaceful quiet and a deep knowing that all is well.

It will only take you one minute right now to breathe in 10 big deep breaths but it will make a difference for many hours to come. I know you have lots on your plate but I also know that you, like me, can spare one minute.

Next up is to ask yourself what really matters to you this Christmas season? Is it to have the best wrapped presents, the most decorated home, the hippest holiday party or is it to truly connect with the people you love most in the world, to deepen the bonds you share and celebrate all the wonderful things that life has brought you? [...]

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No doubt you haven’t escaped the Tiger Woods headlines this past week. As far as I’m concerned this isn’t a story about money. It isn’t a story about whether he broke the law. It isn’t even a story about badly managed PR.  It’s a story about integrity. Or, sadly, the lack thereof.  (I actually spoke about this during a TV interview I did earlier today.)

Our society loves to put high-performing athletes up on pedestals according them, in the process, a semi-God like status.  With that we give them enormous influence on us, and more importantly, on our kids who rank elite athletes second only to parents (92%) and on par with teachers (72%) in terms of influence.  But of course, with great influence, comes great power and (to quote from the Karate Kid) with great power comes great responsibility.

I don’t know much  about Tiger Woods’ private life apart from the salacious news I’ve heard in the media this last week.  What I do know is that we should all be very careful in putting anyone up on a pedestal or expecting any individual to be infallible across the board.  Just because someone is a brilliant athlete (or actor or singer or politician) doesn’t mean they are always going to be a great role model.  Masterful skill in one area of life doesn’t automatically equate to robust integrity or even to plain old common sense.  If there’s any lesson in this whole sad Tiger Woods affair, it is this: beware of putting any individual up on a pedestal just because they are good at a sport!

Time and time again we’ve witnessed athletes, celebrities and people in positions of high office suddenly fall from grace.  Time and time again we’ve felt like they let us down.  We’d trusted them to do the right thing and they blew it.  Surely they should have known better, done better, been better than that. What the hell were they thinking?! It’s hard to imagine what it’s like to have millions of people in awe of you, but it seems as though they become drunk on their own fame, fortune and power.  Without something or someone to keep them well grounded, they lose their way and become lost in the public persona their publicists create for them. Viewing themselves as almost omnipotent, they delude themselves into thinking their behavior is immune to the consequences the rest of us face.  [...]

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Growing up in Australia, my only experience of Thanksgiving was through American television. Somehow it seemed a lot like Christmas. . . except of course without Santa. Having lived in America now over eight years I’ve come to really love the Thanksgiving holiday. The idea that the last Thursday of November each year is put aside so that people can come together and share thanks for their blessings is, I believe, an incredibly special and valuable tradition.

Of course Thanksgiving, and the festive season it kicks off, can be a very stressful time for many people. The Martha Stewart-like images of happy families, dressed in the lastest holiday fashion, sitting around a decadently decorated table feasting joyfully on gourmet delights, create expectations that can never measure up to reality. Then again, can reality ever measure up to glossy magazine covers? The impact it can have is to leave people feeling like something is missing from their lives. Instead of feeling gratitude for all the goodness present in our lives, many of us find ourselves feeling sad and resentful for all that is missing. . . whether it be someone else to host Thanksgiving lunch, relatives who don’t drive us crazy or a lack of resources to recreate that magazine cover in reality.

So my challenge to you this Thanksgiving holiday (and for those of you not in the US, this festive season in general) is to let go all your expectations about how it “should be” and instead to embrace the circumstances you find yourself in for all that they are, and for all that they aren’t. [...]

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The shootings at the military base in Fort Hood last week were tragic. There is no upside. Twelve good men and women now lie dead. Thirty others are still recovering from injuries. Countless more are still weighted down with incredible grief and shock and anger as they come to terms with the loss of those they loved and served their country with.

No doubt in the weeks ahead we will hear a lot about the possible motivations and warped thinking of Nidal Hassan, the man accused of murdering these people. This psychiatrist will find himself being psycho-analyzed again and again and again. And at the end of it all, we will still be left with more questions than answers. We will also be left wondering, is there anywhere that we can feel safe anymore? Who can we really trust? How could the warning signs from such an unstable person been missed?

I do not want to focus this newsletter on why Nidal Hassan did what he did. Nor on who he is. Nor on what systemic malfunction permitted him to be in the role he was. Lord knows the media are working overtime doing that. Rather I think it is of more value to you (and me) to explore how we, in the face of such an event which has triggered such intense horror and grief, can continue to move forward as wholehearted, trusting, compassionate and courageous people?

Sadness, horror, grief, anger, disillusionment – all of these are normal and healthy emotions which help us navigate our way through life and point us to what matters most to us. The well-being of those we love, our own safety and security and the importance of loyalty . . . to our friends, to our colleagues, to our country.

If we don’t own our emotions, they own us. Acknowledging our emotions is crucial if we are not to be consumed by them. Every emotion you feel is legitimate. It is also constructive. . . to a point. If your anger motivates you to address a perceived injustice then that is a good thing. If your fear motivates you to do get out of harm’s way then that is also a good thing. Likewise if your sadness helps you realize how much you care about something (or someone) then that is a good thing too. However there is an important difference between emotions that positively motivate us and those that control us. Sadly, all too often emotions like anger and fear take such a firm hold on our psyche that they cloud our thinking and drive us to to act in ways that sabotage our relationships, suck the joy out of our lives and create profound suffering.

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Yesterday a friend emailed me to say that after years of trying to make it as a freelance writer she’s admitted defeat and is now trying to find a paying job. I replied to her that she needed to drop the ‘defeated’ talk and instead re-frame her situation more positively. That is, that she enjoys freelance writing and while she will continue to write she is pursuing work that provides a more reliable source of income. She quickly replied that she felt far better (and I’m guessing, more powerful) putting it that way.

And last week, after my interview on the TODAY SHOW, I was inundated with emails and blog comments from people saying how much my words resonated. Of the many things I said during the interview was that we each need to make a powerful choice not to be defeated, nor succumb to fear, nor to take life’s inevitable rejections and setbacks too personally. Put another way, we need to have our own unique Emotional Stimulus Plan that will enable us to ride out the bumps, weather the setbacks and rise to the challenge that comes our way.

Right now there are millions of people having to deal with significant changes and challenges in their lives due to the economic crisis that has rippled out from the burst of the housing bubble. People are needing to cut back on all sorts of things they’d previously taken for granted. Suddenly their financial security isn’t so secure and their lifestyle is being trimmed in ways they’d never foreseen. Without warning they are finding themselves wrestling with an identity crisis because so much of their identity has been tied to their job, their income, their McMansion and the list goes on.

So just as the Federal Government has taken it upon itself to launch an Economic Stimulus Plan, so too will you benefit from creating your own plan to weather whatever storms are blowing over you. Sure, many people are suffering hardship that is beyond their control, but if you take a step back from all the fear mongering and dooms-daying and look heavenward you will notice that the SKY IS NOT FALLING and that, while times are tough, times have been tough before (actually, far tougher!) and humanity has not come to a crashing halt. The reality is that in the US and other developed countries, we are living way better than any time over the course of human history. So you have to give up your spa trips for awhile? Come on! Just as losing your job or downsizing your home doesn’t mean you are a failure, neither does unmanicured feet render you unlovable (“And thank goodness for that!” cry my neglected toenails!). [...]

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I’m too old…or too young/inexperienced , I’m just not that kind of person, I’m not a morning person, I’m a creature of habit , I’m too busy, too unfit, too disorganized, too… (you fill in the blank) , My family/spouse/kids/boss/dog/pet fish mightn’t like it … I’ve heard them all!

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