Margie Warrell » Courageous Conversations

Do you need to trade some of your answers for questions?

Margie Warrell — Mon, 12 Dec 2011 15:10:36 +0000

Every time I turn on the TV at the moment I hear fighting about how best to get the US economy back on track. Needless to say, I do not have the answer to that problem. But what I’ve noticed more and more is how steadfast people are in their refusal to ask more questions. Rather that acknowledging how much we don’t know about the best road to economic recovery, people insist that “My way is THE way” and that if you don’t buy into it, you’re an idiot. Something about that approach not only rubs me up the wrong way, but just comes across as incredibly foolish, arrogant and destructive.

I have met many clever people over the years… people who have made a lot of money, with more letters after their names than are in mine, with fancy titles and impressive resumes. I have met far fewer truly wise people.

Our society puts tremendous value on cleverness. But having spent considerable time with many super (IQ) smart people I’ve come to learn that cleverness as measured by IQ scores and bank balances has very little to do with wisdom and even less to do with genuine happiness.

Living in an age of information overload there is a lot of pressure on people to accumulate more knowledge; to become more learned, more knowledgeable, more clever! Man, I could spend my entire life just trying to take in all the information that comes at me every day just in my email without ever even opening a book! So with all this access to information, to knowledge and supposed cleverness, it’s more important than ever to ask ourselves, “Knowledge for the sake of what?”

A very wise man called Julio Olalla, and the founder of ontological coaching (whom I have had the fortune to learn from) once said, “We are too full of answers to questions we have never asked.”

What is the point of knowledge unless it is to help us answer profound questions about why we are here on earth, what the meaning of our lives is and how we can live them with greater purpose, deeper passion, connectedness and fulfillment?

Reframing Our “Problems” Through Questions Rather Than Answers

Doing the work that I do (not that I think of it as work), I meet a lot of people who feel stuck, frustrated and disatisfied in some way, shape or form. They share their struggle, their confusion, their anger, their resentment, their despair, their problems. They often also share their theory on why they have found themselves in the situation they are in; why their problems came to be. And I must admit, sometimes their theories are very clever and filled with vocabulary that has me scrambling for my dictionary. They often have all the answers except the one to the question “So if I’m so bloody smart, how come I have this problem?”

As Albert Einstein once said, “Problems cannot be solved at the same level of thinking at which they were created.”

I couldn’t agree more! But the way to get to a higher and more evolved level of thinking is not by having the smartest answers. After all your smartest answers landed you the problems you have. Rather it’s by asking smarter questions. You see the “problem” doesn’t exist out there; the problem exists in us by the way we are viewing it.

Mastery of life is not the absence of problems. It's mastery of problems.

Our Problems Reside In Us

The broken down car does not have a problem. We have a problem when we are stuck by the road without a way to get to work on time. By seeing that our problems reside in us, it allows us to step back and observe them from a fresh and heightened perspective. You see we are always going to be faced with problems. All the knowledge in the world won’t change that. So the way I see it, the only way to address them is to be willing to look at how we are viewing them, to challenge our “stories” about them and to ask questions that have us looking at them differently.

As Julio Olalla also once said “Mastery of life is not the absence of problems. It’s mastery of problems.” That you have problems is not the problem. The problem arises the moment you think you shouldn’t have them. Once again, the problem exists in you.

By having the humility to acknowledge how little you know and the courage to challenge all that you think you already do know (a focus in my book Find Your Courage!), you open the door to wisdom. So on that note here are a few questions to ponder. Some may apply perfectly to your “problems” (as you see them) right now. Others less so. But by taking a moment to reflect on these questions it will help you see your problems from a new level of thinking and hopefully lead you to answers that have you facing your challenges and living your life with greater wisdom. If you would like, get my one page handout out of these questions (plus over a dozen more) to refer to as new “problems” come along.

Is there a pattern to this problem? How has my way of dealing with this problem perpetuated this pattern?
What conversation do I know I need to have that I’m putting off? Why? At what cost?
Am I trying to force an outcome? Why am I meeting such resistance? What do I need to let go of?
What is the deeper learning for me to gain from this problem/challenge?
Who do I need to be to rise to the challenge that lies before me?
What emotions am I failing to acknowledge fully? How is this undermining my ability to address the situation effectively?
Am I genuinely happy? If not, why not? What unfulfilled needs are undermining my contentedness?
What assumptions I am making about a person or problem that may simply be invalid?
Am I pretending something is okay that I intuitively know isn’t?
Where am I letting other peoples’ opinions determine my choices and run my life? Why do I care so much about what they think?
Does my future inspire me? If not, what future would?
When I look back on my life, what might I regret more than anything else not having tried to do?

Remember, it’s okay not to have all the answers. What matters most is your willingness to sit with the questions. Who knows the wisdom that you might stumble upon along the way?

Sex, Power, Courage: Combatting Sexual Harassment & Abuse

Margie Warrell — Sun, 20 Nov 2011 17:23:58 +0000

There’s been a lot of focus in the media in recent weeks on both sexual harassment and sexual abuse, particularly surrounding the tragedy at Penn State. Both involve the interplay of sex and power, vulnerability and intimidation. Both are issues requiring courage. Both require more discussion than any blog post can provide, but I was to share my thoughts anyway.

ON SEXUAL ABUSE:

It goes without saying that it’s reprehensible for any human being to abuse another; much less an adult sexually abuse an innocent child. While we must enforce harsh laws to deter predators, the front line of attack on sexual abuse ultimately rests on the shoulders of parents. We have to help our children to understand three core things:

That no person is ever so powerful or important that they can’t tell us if they have acted inappropriately toward them
That we will always believe them, and
That there is nothing that they can ever do that they should feel ashamed about or that would ever make us ashamed of them. Period.

ON SEXUAL HARASSMENT:

As strongly as I feel about the evil of sexual abuse, this focus of this blog is on sexual harassment because it’s an issue so relevant to adults working in organizations today. Title VII of the U.S. Civil Rights Act says defines sexual harassment as “any unwelcome sexual advance or conduct on the job that create an intimidating, hostile or offensive working environment.” The problem is that what may be offensive to one person, is not necessarily offensive to another. The boundary is unclear; where’s the line between innocent flirting and having some fun, and outright harassment and intimidation?

Set clear boundaries

Even though the law may be unclear about where the boundary lie, we mustn’t. Whether it’s being sexually harassed by a person at work in an authority position relative to us, or to being bullied by a colleague of the same gender, we have a pivotal role to play in how a relationship unfolds. Or doesn’t.

What matters more than how anyone acts toward us is how we respond to them – however much power they weald relative to us. We need to be mindful about what we may implicitly be communicating around what we will and will not tolerate, clear in setting firm boundaries when the need arises and, when our warnings go unheeded, courageous in speaking up and raising the issues with those in positions of higher authority who can intervene to address it.

I’ve had numerous experiences in professional settings where people have made comments or gestures toward me that had clear sexual undertones. I assumed they were trying to assess my interest or test my fidelity. Which is why I have never taken any of the remarks overly offensively. It’s clearly been more about them than it has about me. That said, I’ve always been pretty clear in letting them know that, a) I’m not interested (assuming I wasn’t, which has been the case for 20+ years), and b) they better not try that again.

Too often victims of sexual harassment have become such because they have not had the courage to say “Cut it out!” at the first instance of a behavior they found offensive. When we do so it sends a clear message, automatically shifts the dynamic, and goes a long way to warding off unwanted advances before they ever occur.

Take responsibility for what you may be unwittingly communicating

Numerous times I have witnessed people create a blurry line when it comes to the behavior they are willing to accept and tolerate to suit their own agenda. While I don’t think there is anything inherently wrong with making the most of what we have – whether it be a sharp wit, great smile or long legs – when that behavior sometimes attracts advances that cause us to feel harassed, we also need to take realize it’s a two way street. I’m all for women owning their femininity, and wearing clothes that make them feel great. However, we must also take responsibility for the messages we may be sending.

Of course there are genuine victims of sexual harassment. But I believe that each of us – male and female – must also take personal responsibility for reflecting on how our “way of being” (or dressing, walking or talking…) might be implicitly communicating messages that subtly invite the behavior we wish to avoid.

Be more powerful than your fears

I’m not an expert of sexual harassment, but I do specialize in the role fear can have on human connection. Before we become a victim to anyone else, we become a victim to our own fear. Fear that we are not ‘good enough’, fear of rocking the boat, being of judged harshly, rejection, missing out on future career opportunities, or of being undeserving of anything better. It’s these fears that so often, too often, drive people to tolerate the intolerable and accept the unacceptable. The fact is, no one can intimidate you without your consent. You teach people how to treat you, and only when you are willing to step into your own power – and through the fears that drive you to settle and suffer – will you be again to gain the respect – from other and for yourself – which you really want.

I appreciate that this is far from a simple issue. I’m sure you have your own perspectives on this subject, and perhaps they differ to mine. So I’m curious, what’s your experience of sexual harassment? How did you handle it… or not handle it? And with the benefit of hindsight, how do you wish you had handled it differently?

It’s my hope that by opening up a candid discussion, it will help to create a world in which fewer people feel harassed, fewer people have the desire to harass, and more people feel powerful and courageous enough to stop it in its tracks at the first instance.

Women in Leadership: Are we confining ourselves to a “Glass Cage”?

Margie Warrell — Sun, 23 Oct 2011 15:45:07 +0000

I ran into a friend last weekend. Let’s call her Suzie. Suzie shared with me she was very recently passed over for a promotion that she felt she had clearly been the most well placed to get. When she found out that it had gone to a guy with far less experience than her and not half as strong a track record, she said she felt like she’d “been kicked in the stomach.” Suzie was clearly still very upset and assessing her options for the future. Leaving a large Fortune 500 company where she’d paved a relatively successful sales career for herself for the last 20+ years was a decision she had to weigh closely.

The only feedback Suzie been given was that she didn’t act “enough like a leader.” Nothing more. Which was both useless and frustrating for her. After all, she had consistenly delivered among the top sales results across her entire division for years. But when I asked her whether or not she’d asked for more clarity on what “not enough like a leader” meant, or even expressed her upset at being passed over, Suzie had said that she hadn’t. She hated to rock the boat. Which is part the problem – we women are sometimes our own worst enemy when it comes to being taken seriously as leaders. Sure, being collaborative is great. But sometimes we need to assert ourselves, we need to push back, speak up and yes, sometimes we need to rock the boat. Is

Women make great leaders. We bring strengths and perspectives that complement men and improve the outcomes of the decisions being made. We are naturally perceptive, empathetic and collaborative. But look at the number of women who’ve ascended to the top rung of the corporate ladder in the Fortune 500 corporations and you quickly see that women, despite all the progress of the last fifty years, are still the distinct minority in American boardrooms today.

This is neither good for women or for men. Research has shown that when you have more women sitting at the decision making table, it improves the bottom line results of the organizations who make them. So more women involved in the important decisions isn’t just good for women, it’s good for everyone.

There are myriad complex and intertwining reasons why women are still such a minority at the top (25% of Fortune 500 corporations don’t have any women on their boards!). One of the most obvious is that during the period of life (5-15 years post college) when men are hard at work earning their leadership stripes, women are having children. And while many women choose to combine child rearing with pursuing a career, many others elect to opt out of the demanding kids-clients-career juggling act. I don’t believe that any choice is better or worse. At least women now have a choice to make. But it does explain why, at least partially, despite the fact that women are graduating college at a rate of 3 to 2 over men, only 2% of our top companies are run by women.

At her concession speech after losing the Democratic nomination in 2008 Hilary Clinton said, “There are eighteen million cracks in the hardest of glass ceilings. Light is shining through. The path will be easier next time.” There’s no doubt about it, there have been numerous obstacles women have needed to overcome to arrive at this moment in history which has such a wealth of choice. But from where I stand, the light is well and truly shining down from above and the bigger obstacle that women face is getting out of the glass cage we unconcsiously confine ourselves to through our own thinking. Stepping into more senior leadership roles, and affecting change to the extent we are capable of will require a fundamental internal shift along three core dimensions:

Leadership Mindset: How we define ourselves as leaders
Leadership Capacity: What we do to build resilience for leadership
Leadership Conversations: How assertively we share what we think and ask for what we want

Leadership Mindset | Redefine yourself as a leader

All leadership ultimately begins with self leadership; it starts on the inside and extends outward. Just as we cannot lead others unless we a vision for where we want to take them, neither can we lead ourselves unless we have a clear sense of the direction we want to go. How you see yourself will determine how others see you. So creating a vision for yourself as a leader that encompasses the kind of impact you want to make 5 and even 25 years from now will act as a compass to guide your choices.

Your vision doesn’t have to include a specific job or title, industry or salary (thought it might). Rather it should reflect the nature of the contribution you are inspired to make, the kind of leader (and human being) you aspire to become and the direction you want to lead others toward. After all, no one wants to follow an uncertain trumpet. But creating a vision takes courage. It requires putting yourself at risk of failure, being willing to make mistakes and becoming vulnerable to having others criticize you in the process (if not far worse.) In my travels around the globe and in my work with women in emerging and senior leadership roles, I’ve found what I believe is a universal tendency for women to doubt themselves and underestimate their own abilities. Women have to think bigger to be bigger. Beginning with the vision we hold for ourselves and extending outward to the vision we have for our team, business, organization and those whom we hope to lead. Our ability to affect positive change in the world around us begins by affecting positive change in the world within us.

Leadership Capacity | Build greater resilience

It’s essential that we are intentional about doing things inside our control so that we can respond better to those which aren’t. Like difficult colleagues, demanding clients, sick children, corporate restructures, economic downturn, the odd natural (or unnatural) disaster, and even just the pressures inherent in getting kids to soccer practice in between conference calls and client deadlines. The higher you climb in any organization, the weightier the demands being placed upon you. And while seniority brings with it more people to whom you can delegate, the buck ultimately stops with you when it comes to delivering results. Add to that the “do more with less” pressures of an increasingly competitive global economy, the additional responsibilities of raising children, not to mention community service and other commitments outside the workplace, and it doesn’t take long for many women to feel like they are the rope in a tug-of-war, being pulled in multiple conflicting directions at once. Which is why women’s success as leaders will not be determined by their title but by their capacity to carry the extra weight of responsibility being placed on their shoulders as they climb, much of which cannot be planned for.

Resilience for leadership isn’t something we are born with, but something we are born to build.

At the core of capacity building is resilience. Resilience psychology has found that resilience is not something you are born with, but something you are born to build. I liken it to a rubber band: if you pull and twist it out of shape it will quickly bounce back into its original (ideal) form. And so it is with us. The more resilient we are, the quicker we can bounce back from a setback into our level headed, optimistic “ideal self.” We can see things from an enlarged perspective, and are able to process our emotions so that we don’t plummet into an emotional nose dive when disappointment strikes. And we don’t get all bent out of shape, stressed out and overwhelmed when our well laid out plans collide head on with a reality that refuses to conform to them.

Four key areas for creating and bolstering your baseline resilience through building and restoring alignment are:

Physical: Think stamina, energy, health! Physical resilience give you vitality and health you need to optimize what you get done in the 24 hours you have every day and the energy you need to be fully engaged as you do it. When you exercise you not only burn off those stress hormones, but by building physical muscles you also build psychological ones. And when you choose to eat well and regularly throughout the day (keeping your glucose levels stable) with foods that nourish and fuel your hardworking mind and body, you can perform at the high level you expect of it. Note: Lattes are not a food group.

Mental: Think focus, discipline, orgnization. Mental resilience is being able to stay fully engaged and focused on the task at hand. It requires you to be clear about your priorities and mindful about what you are, and aren’t, committing to. Taking time to plan your week ahead first thing Monday morning (or on a Friday afternoon) is a valuable investment of time that will pay off with exponentially increased productivity that comes from focusing on the highest value activities and avoiding those lower value distractions.

Emotional: Think calm, confidence, optimistic. Emotional resilience is your ability to manage potentially destructive emotions that get triggered through the course of your busy day. At its foundation is emotional awareness, and from there your proficiency at shifting potentially destructive emotions, reframing your perspective and responding the situation at hand in a calm, constructive and thoughtful way.

Spiritual: Think purpose driven! Spiritual resilience speaks to your bigger sense of purpose about why you do what you do. It ties in to the vision you have for yourself as a leader, as a woman and as a human being. It enables you to see every situation through a bigger lens, find the lesson your challenges have to offer and trust in yourself more deeply to rise to meet them.

Leadership Conversations | Speak up with greater confidence, candor and courage

While women, naturally more attuned to the emotions of those around them, tend to have a head start in the EQ department, too often we allow the emotion of fear to keep us from engaging in the conversations needed to build our value, manage commitments effectively, address contentious issues and expand our network of influence.

Make bold requests: If you want something, ask for it. Don’t expect others to reward you for hard work, or to read your mind. It may never happen! Rather, get over your fear of seeming too pushy or bold and let others know what it is you would like to happen, when you would like it and what you need to do to make it happen. My clients, many of whom are in senior leadership roles, have often told me that for every young twenty-something woman that comes to them to seek career advice and discuss advancement opportunities, they are approached by three young men, who are usually much quicker to blow their own horn and ask for a promotion outright. And guess what, they get it first for no other reason than they are making the most noise and the boldest requests.

Speak the truth: If there’s something you genuinely want to say, chances are someone genuinely needs to hear it. Don’t side step difficult issues or avoid saying what’s on your mind because you loathe confrontation. While it’s important to be mindful about what we say, withholding our opinion for fear that it might be scoffed at or ruffle feathers deprives us of the opportunity to demonstrate our value and let others know that are willing to put ourselves at risk for what we believe in (an attribute we all want to see in those who lead us.) When all we do is try to fit in, we negate the difference that our difference makes. We each have unique value to add, regardless of our years in the industry, letters after our name or size of our cubicle. When we second guess it, we limit it.

As more women step beyond their doubts and fears, we will not only see more women in positions of power, but more women changing the nature of power.

Say No: Women tend to have a harder time saying no than men do. We are natural care-takers, and while some women have mastered the art of a gracious “No,” many women struggle to do so. But every time we say yes to something, it means, by default, we are saying no to something else. And often that something else is time for ourselves (and those “tune up” or “time out” activities that restore our alignment) or other non-urgent career building activities that reap rewards in the longer term. So being ultra-clear about what you most want to say yes to is pivotal to finding the clarity and courage to say no when you need to. As I wrote I my book Find Your Courage, sometimes we have to say no to the good to make room for the great. Not doing so does a disservice to everyone and puts in jeopardy your ability to add the greatest value in the longer term.

As women harness their own personal power, their potential to affect change in the world is vast. But harnessing the full quota of our power will demand a commitment to stepping courageously through the glass cage of beliefs, doubts and fears that may be limiting our leadership potential and impact. As more women raise the bar for themselves we will witness powerful changes emanating from the top in business, government, and public life. Women like Oprah and Hilary Clinton and Condoleeza Rice will no longer be such anomalies. As more women step up and arrive at the top rungs of power around the globe, we will see that women will not be changed by power, but will change the nature of it. And that won’t just be good for women in Fortune 500 corporations, it will be good for women, and for the men we share our lives with, the world over.

Yes, women make great leaders. And I look forward to the day when young girls across the globe will not only have the choice and opportunity to become the President, or Prime Minister, or CEO, but that they actually will be. And one day, says this recalcitrant daughter of a former nun, maybe even Pope!

Alleluia!

Here’s to rocking boats, when boats need rocking!

Choosing courage in fearful times

Margie Warrell — Wed, 10 Aug 2011 18:51:16 +0000

From oppression in Syria to famine in Somalia, from the UK riots to the US Credit Rating, from high unemployment to low housing prices to drawn out wars claiming the lives of the finest of young men and women – there’s no doubt about it, we are living in turbulent times.

Switch on the TV and you are quickly bombarded with a zillion reasons why you need to hunker down, play safe, avoid risk, stash your cash under your bed, and think about getting a script for anti-anxiety medication. Just last night watching cable news, a leading anchor predicted that the discontent fuelling the riots sweeping across the UK would soon be fuelling similar violence in the US. And I was only watching TV for 15 minutes to catch that. The messages preaching doom and gloom are pervasive and never have we felt like we have more reasons to feel afraid.

Left unchecked though, anxiety can run amok and fear can become a crippling emotion. And while fear serves a positive purpose in our life to an extent, when we give in to fear on a regular and ongoing basis, it can spread like a virus, until it infiltrates into every corner of our life, our thoughts, decisions and actions. Like all emotions, fear is contagious and powerful. It can siphon the joy out of our day and the life out of our lives. Which is why, now, more than ever before, we need to be mindful about the potentially oppressive impact of fear and increasingly discerning about which fears we pay heed to. After all, history has shown us that it is those who refuse to succumb to fear, and who act most boldly, who reap the richest rewards during times of adversity.

Yes, fear is a powerful emotion but it doesn’t have to overpower our life.

So let me ask you – where is fear running the show in your life and, more so, where is there an opportunity for you right now (yes today), to be more courageous?

Firstly, let me just clarify what I mean by courage. Courage is not the absence of fear, or self-doubt, or misgivings about our future. It’s not pretending that tragedy and turmoil isn’t happening in the world around us, it’s not turning a blind eye to oppression or minimizing genuine threats to our freedom, security, and livelihood. Rather courage is choosing to focus on what we can do and take positive action in the presence of your fear. Courage is choosing to stay optimistic even when the headlines preach that the end of the world is nigh (2012 is it?). It’s choosing to stick your neck out and speak up about an issue even when you know it could ruffle feathers. It’s saying no to a relationship or circumstance that doesn’t inspire you in order to make space for one that does. It’s putting your hand up to present your teams idea to management or take the lead on a business initiative. It’s inviting somone over for dinner even though your home doesn’t qualify for the cover of Vogue living. It’s giving up having to control your future (since you can’t anyway), and holding on to faith in yourself that whatever the future holds, you have the ability to handle it.

Living with courage begins with taking a good honest look at the choices you are making today and challenging the assumptions, stories and excuses that are driving them. And while I don’t know what courage will look like in your life, I do know that every day you are presented with opportunities to live with more of it. And the first opportunity you have right now, given the pressure to buy into the fear that is circling the globe and to become victim to it, is to refuse to engage in conversations that ‘talk up’ that fear, and to focus instead on what you want, and what inspires you, and on what you can do to create for yourself a more meaningful and make a more meaningful contribution to those you are sharing it with - in your office, your business, your community or right in your own home!

Below are three simple questions that will help you identify where fear may be undermining you and keeping you from accessing the power you have inside you to live a more rewarding, courageous and impactful life.

1. What do I really want?

If there is an area(s) of your life in which you feel a clear level of dissatisfaction or unhappiness? If that is the case, then that’s the key place to focus first. What would you need to do to change in those areas of your life, to have them be the way you really wanted them to be? Don’t get stuck on the external stuff here like “I want a top job, a big house, a hot car and cute babe/bloke by my side.” Rather focus on the feeling that you think these things would give you, i.e., “I want a job that is both challenging & rewarding. I want a relationship with a self-assured and honest person whose conversations are stimulating and company fun. I want to live in a home that is great for having friends over…” Get the drill?

Unless you get clear about what you really want – in your career, relationships, health & wellbeing, and life – you’ll have little chance of actually getting it. So get clear about it: if you trusted yourself completely and had no fear of failing or looking foolish, what would you do or say or become?

2. How is fear holding me back?

Fear is not a ‘bad’ thing. Far from it! Rather it’s a question of whether or not your fears are actually serving you (protecting you from REAL threats to your wellbeing) or if they are holding you back keeping you stuck, tip toeing through life and living, as Thoreau called, a “quiet life of desperation.” So what is it that you are afraid might happen if you begin taking action in the direction of your goals and dreams? That you will be humiliated, that you’ll go broke, be rejected or ‘found out’ as inadequate? Whatever your fear, own it. Unless you own your fears, they will own you.

3. What’s the cost of inaction?

Don’t kid yourself, inaction and choosing to do nothing, is costly. Research has identified a psychological phenomenon whereby we human beings tend toward discounting the cost of our choices, even when it’s obvious they are not benefiting us. The reason why? Reality ain’t pretty. The result? We kid ourselves; everything’s hunky dory when really, it’s anything but, and all the while life sails along in a direction that’s taking us far from the life we’d truly love to live. The very act of acknowledging that we are stuck or unhappy is an act of courage all its own, but getting present to the steep price you are paying for letting fear and doubt run your life (or even part of it!) is absolutely crucial to re-creating it the way you want it to be. Only once you have done so can you find the guts to put your fears in their rightful place and be able to rise above them and into action toward whatever tugs at your heart.

Stepping beyond the confines of your comfort zone will call on you to dig deeper into yourself than you have up to now; to dare to accomplish things which have no guarantee of success and to trade the ‘fine and good’ for an experience of life that is far better, deeper, richer and infinitely more gratifying to your spirit. So don’t sell out to your fears; or, as Eleanor Roosevelt once said “…tip toe through life only to make it safely to death.” You are capable of so much more than that. Rather take your ‘fear bully’ by the horns and dare to dream more, do more, say more, live more, give more and be more! Life is far too short and precious to be lived any other way.

Do you allow yourself to be intimidated?

Margie Warrell — Sat, 23 Jul 2011 02:00:58 +0000

So often we make assumptions about other people that are simply untrue. We think they are “above” us; that they don’t like us; or that they look down on us. All of these thoughts are based on assumptions that we don’t validate, and all of these assumptions get in the way of us engaging with them confidently and even creating relationships that could ultimately benefit us (and them.)

Over the years, I’ve found that at all levels of society and business, people make false assumptions of what others are thinking, projecting on to them their insecurities and fears. I’ve seen many people held back in their careers because they are afraid to approach or engage with people more senior to them, for no other reason than they are initimidated by their rank or status. We bring prejudices and false beliefs into our interactions with people (based on everything from the color of their skin or where they went to school, to the title on their business card) that alienate us from them and prevents us from building a relationship with them. Living with assumptions that others “are better than us”, that “they haven’t got time for the likes of us” or that “I’m just not good enough” can be very costly – to our careers, our relationships and our happiness over all.

Of course, being the ‘human becoming’ that I am, occasionally I still find myself intimidated by people who’ve accomplished success on levels far beyond what I have. But I’ve become better at catching myself in the process of making up these “stories”, acknowledging the self-doubt and fear behind them, and then reaching out (sometimes with butterflies in my belly) to make a connection anyway. Having met many people, from all walks of life, and all “levels” of social status, I know that our lives are enriched just as much when we connect with people who are we deem as “different” to us, as when we connect with those we feel we’ve more in common with.

I’m guessing sometimes you may find yourself intimidated by people based on their seniority in your organization or some other marker of success. Which is why I invite you to a little experiment: Next time you find yourself assuming something about another person that causes you to feel intimidated, make a conscious decision to put aside those assumptions, give up what you “think they think”, and reach out to them in conversation as a human being who is no less than, nor better than, anyone else. My guess is that the experience will only reinforce the universal truththat Iwrote about in Find Your Courage, that we human beings are all far more alike than we are different.

Until next time, live boldly and never doubt your value. No-one can initimidate you without your permission.

Want to build more trust in your relationships?

Margie Warrell — Fri, 01 Apr 2011 10:00:16 +0000

I’m a pretty trusting person. And by and large I’ve found that it’s served me well to assume that most people are honest, well meaning and trust-worthy. That said, I’ve also learned from some less than pleasant experiences that there are times when I need hold back placing trust in someone or to just be more discerning what I trust them with. Like the time in back in my penny pinching university days when I foolishly trusted a roomate/novice hairdresser to put highlights in my hair. I looked like a leopard!

Trust lies at the core of all our relationships. And yet if you ask 100 people exactly what trust is you will likely get 100 different answers. The reason is that the concept of trust is complex and whilst we are often clear about who we trust (and don’t trust), we’re often much less clear about why.When working with clients on trust, many of whom have leadership roles in organizations and are faced with issues of trust (or lack thereof) daily, understanding the three key elements of trust can be helpful. My guess is they will also be helpful to you. First in enabling you to better distinguish specifically why you don’t trust someone and second in helping you become more effective in building trust yourself (or repairing it when damaged). After all, your ability to develop trusting relationships is pivotal to not only your personal relationships but to your effectiveness at work at every turn.

The Three Elements of Trust

The diagram below illustrates the inter-relationship between the three core elements of trust. Whenever a person is perceived to act in a way that undermines trust in any of these areas, trust overall is diminished.

Competence: The element of competence is what I call “domain specific” in that it depends on what area of expertise or skill you are assessing someone to be trustworthy in. For instance, you might trust me to cook you a roast dinner or to coach you to achieve a goal, but you wouldn’t trust me to give you a root canal (for good reason!). Likewise, I trust my kids to put their bikes away after they’ve ridden them but I would not trust them to cook me a roast dinner. Not yet anyway. More training is required! So the question to ask here is, “Does this person have the ability, knowledge, relevant experience and resources to perform this specific task in this domain of expertise?”

Reliability: Reliability is about whether you can count on someone to manage and honor their commitments. Or put another way, to do what they say they’ll do when they say they’ll do it. So you may trust someone to be competent at a particular task and sincere in their intention to do it, but their track record of unreliability, whether it be tardiness or sloppy work, keeps you from trusting them completely. The question to ask, “Can I count on this person to keep their promises and get the task done properly and by the agreed time frame?”

Sincerity: Sincerity relates directly to our assessment of someone’s character; to their fundamental integrity. Of all three elements of trust, sincerity is the hardest to build, and the most pivotal in our decision whether or not to place your trust in someone and it’s what we want, need and expect from those who are in positions of formal leadership – from our President to our company CEO (and explains why allegations of impropriety and infidelity create the media headlines they do when made against those in positions of public office and senior leadership.) Of course you may not necessarily care much whether the person cutting your hair is cheating on their tax return (or their spouse), but you may well care a lot if it was your local senator or boss. Sincerity is also the most difficult element to repair when damaged, which explains why infidelity has a far greater impact on a marriage than a spouse who simply forgets their anniversary. Or why discovering that a colleague has derided you behind your back does more damage than if they were just habitually running late for meetings. So the question to ask here is, “Is this person genuine and someone who means what they say with a strong sense of integrity?”

So, armed with new knowledge (and new competence!) in trust, how might you apply it in your relationships at work, with family members or friends? Of course, that’s not to say that you aren’t trustworthy right now, but take time to look at where you may have either inadvertently allowed trust to flat line through neglect or damaged it by your behavior. How might you build/restore trust if you were to:

Develop skills to grow your competence in a particular area?
Improve your punctuality?
Share how you genuinely feel about an issue?
When you have violated trust, apologized and sought to make amends?
Manage your commitments more effectively so that you get things done properly and on time?
Taken full responsibility for your consequences of your actions(even unintentional)?
Attempt to make amends for a wrongdoing that damaged trust? (An exercise called “The Integrity Audit” in my book, Find Your Courage! is a great one for doing this.)

Distrust is Very Expensive
Ralph Waldo Emerson once wrote, “distrust is very expensive.” The fact is, without trust, influence wanes, intimacy erodes, relationships crumble, careers derail, organizations fail to prosper (and ultimately, also crumble) and, in short, nothing much works. Wherever trust is missing, opportunity is lost — opportunity to prosper, to exert influence, to deepen intimacy, to enjoy harmony, to collaborate, to foster understanding, to succeed at the very things that matter to you.

You cannot force others to become more trustworthy, but you can become more worthy of trust yourself. By raising your own bar, through your words and actions, and being the change you want to see in others you can ultimately create a more trusting environment around you. So no matter how full the trust accounts are in your relationships, it’s never too late to work at building rust and you can never work too hard at maintaining it.

Live Boldly, Shine Brightly, Be Trustworthy… and let me know your experiences of building and restoring trust!

Burning the Qu’ran: Why righteousness drives people to act like idiots.

Margie Warrell — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 11:23:04 +0000

You’ve probably heard the furor about the fanatical Florida pastor who wants to burn copies of the Quran to mark the anniversary of 9/11. No wonder he’s only drawn 50 members to join his church. Thankfully most people are too intelligent to listen to this religious extremist each week as he espouses such untruths (he reckons Jesus would have done what he’s doing), preaches division and fuels hatred.

The fact is that we will never end extremism with extremism. Close-minded thinking will never put a halt to close-minded thinking. And righteous ignorant people will never enlighten righteous ignorant people.

While I don’t lay claim to enlightment, I do know that burning the holy books of other religions is a really unelightened, idiotic and odious thing to do. But to bring all of this madness back to the context of our own lives, away from book-burning ceremonies, you may notice how often people can be self-righteous, judgmental and close-minded in their everyday interactions with those around them. Not you of course. But that person you have to work with. Live next door to. Are related to (though only by marriage of course.) How many people do you know who fail to genuinely try to understand another’s perspective on an issue, and choose instead the path of superiority and righteousness? Who want to be understood but don’t take the time to understand?

The only way we can ever hope to understand is through conversation. The root of which comes from the Latin for “changing together.” So when you make the decision to understand another’s viewpoint, and they reciprocate, you cannot help but both be changed by the experience. You both walk away with a new, and expanded, world view. The key though is not to wait proudly for them to step up to the listening plate first. That responsibility rests with you.

Lasting peace can only be achieved through peaceful means. If you have to box someone in the nose, metaphorically speaking, in order to have your way or win your argument then, by default, someone else has to feel like they were boxed in the nose. (Same applies for burning their books). Sure, you may have won the battle but at what cost to the relationship? And at what cost to your identity and your future ability to win the trust of others? Whether in the relationship you have with your spouse or the relationship between Christians and Muslims, Republicans and Democrats, only through engaging in civil conversation in which the initial goal is to understand, rather than to be understood, can harmony emerge, collaboration grow, societies prosper and humanity advance. You may not be a Middle East peace negotiator, but you are a peace negotiator in every relationship you have. How can we ever hope to have world peace if we can’t first have peace in our home, in our workspace or local community?

If you have to box someone in the nose, metaphorically speaking, in order to have your way or win your argument then, by default, someone else has to feel like they were boxed in the nose.

So, I invite you to ask yourself: where might your need to be right, and to bring others around to your way of thinking, be getting in the way of growing mutual understanding, building trust and growing your influence? In short: where might you benefit from listening more and speaking less?

As illogical or loopy as their opinion may seem to you, it’s perfectly valid to them. And as obstinate or self-defensive as they may seem, the only chance you ever have of bridging the gap between your diverging perspectives (even if not your beliefs) is by being willing to listen first.

Sure you will never see eye to eye with everyone, nor would you want to (our relationships, organizations and the world at large are served by diversity), but just imagine how much more enjoyable and less stressful your life would be if all your relationships honored mutual respect. And how much more peaceful the world would be if all people felt they and their beliefs were given equal respect, justice and opportunity.

So next time you’re indignant at someone’s behavior or entering the downward spiral of conflict, take a step back, close your mouth, box your ego and it’s burning need to be right, and do the only logical and effective thing there is to do: – apply the Golden Rule: Listen to others as you would like them to listen to you.

I wonder if Pastor Jones has ever taken the time to read the Qu’ran which he insists on burning, or to get to know even one of the millions of good hearted and peace seeking Muslims who follow its teachings. I doubt it. He doesn’t have the courage.

Get What You Want: 6 Tips To Make Bold Requests

Margie Warrell — Mon, 21 Jun 2010 21:01:13 +0000

Think of a situation that’s causing you to feel resentful, frustrated, unappreciated or overwhelmed. We all experience them but often we don’t have the courage to do what it takes to change them. Maybe it’s a boss who has unreasonable expectations; a neighbor or co-worker who’s become a pest; or a spouse who seems to be taking us for granted.

If you aren’t getting something you really want then it may be because you just aren’t asking for it. Complaining about your problems never solves them; whining about unmet needs never fulfills them. When you get clear about what you want, and are willing to ask for it, you will experience not only a lot less stress in your life, but greater success in your relationships, your career and your life over all. Here are six tips to help you on your way.

Here are six tips to help you on your way.

1. Don’t assume others are mind readers. We often assume our spouses, bosses, work colleagues and even our good friends can read our minds. So when don’t act as we’d like, we wind up hurt and upset. Of course, for any relationship to thrive, both parties have to take responsibility for communicating their needs. Hints just don’t cut it. Whether it’s how you’d like, your colleague to communicate with you about a work project, or how you’d like your partner to engage in foreplay, it’s crucial to be assertive in conveying what you want.

2. Be bold in your requests. When it comes to asking for what you really want, the Latin proverb “Fortes fortuna adiuvat” sums it up perfectly: “Fortune favors the bold”. The reality is you will rarely, if ever, be given more than what you have the courage to ask for. So don’t dilute your requests in order to minimize the possibility of being turned down. Think about what your ideal outcome would be and then confidently, courageously, ask for it. While you may not always get as much as you asked for (whether it be a pay rise or the corner office) you are going to get a lot more than what you would have otherwise received.

3. Be specific about what you want and when you want it. In the workplace, the biggest reason for unmet expectations is a lack of understanding of exactly what was expected. And the same often applies on the home front too. Asking someone to do something “soon” can be interpreted in all sorts of way. For a request to hold any water it needs to specify not just “what” you’d like, but also the time frame you want them to do it in. That is, both a clear and unambiguous “what” and a “when.” For example, “Could you please get the monthly sales report to me by midday Friday?” or “Could you please give me at 48 hours notice if you plan to bring clients home for dinner?” From the boardroom to the bedroom, it’s unreasonable to expect to get what you want if those who can give it to you aren’t clear about what that is!

4. You get what you tolerate. It’s a rule of life that you get what you tolerate. Making requests will go a long way to eliminating the ‘tolerations’ in your life. Whether it be asking your mother-in-law to refrain from giving unsolicited parenting advice, asking your friend to show up on time, asking your colleage to stop making sexist jokes in your presence, or asking your husband to take his turn to change the toilet paper roll. Every day, through what you say and do, you teach others how to treat you. If you allow others to take you for granted, to overstep the line of your personal boundaries, or to be outright disrespectful, then you are complicit in it. Letting others know what you will (and will not) tolerate and what you expect from them, is crucial to your well being and success – at home and work. You get what you tolerate. What are you no longer willing to tolerate? Therein lays the boundary that you alone must set and the powerful requests you alone must make.

5. Skip the guilt and ditch the martyr act. The more requests being made of you, the more you need to be making of others. But if you are like so many women I know, myself included, you may sometimes wrestle with needless guilt when it comes to prioritizing your own needs ahead of others (which includes family pets). As a big sister of seven, mother of four and girlfriend of many more, I believe we women can sometimes sell ourselves short and martyr ourselves to the needs of those around us (metaphorically speaking at least). Don’t get me wrong, it’s wonderful to come to the aid of those who need it and be generous with our colleagues and community, friends and family. But if, in being all things to all people, we fail to take care of our own needs, we end up overwhelmed, resentful, or more often, both. Who’s that serving?! Putting your own needs ahead of everyone else’s is not a selfish act, it’s the most loving thing you can do for everyone. So enough of the guilt driven martyr act. Your needs matter too. So when there’s something you need, ask!

6. Don’t make a ‘no’ mean more than it does. The reality is that you won’t always get what you ask for. Your boss won’t always give you the promotion you’d like and your parents may not agree to mind your three kids every second weekend. Such is life. When people say no, you can take it really personally, get yourself in a big huff, and decide never to speak to them again – or you can accept it graciously and move on. At least now you know where you stand and can plan accordingly.

Asking for less than you really want – from yourself, from others and from life – doesn’t serve anyone. Take responsibility for your experience of life and make the decision starting right now: Do not let another day pass by settling for your needs going unmet, your frustrations running unfetted and your life passing uncherished.

You are capable of more than you think you are. Remember that fortune favors the bold. So make bigger, better, bolder requests, and ask for what you really want. Who knows… you might just get it! Now wouldn’t that be nice.

Margie Warrell, best-selling author of “Find Your Courage: 12 Acts for Becoming Fearless in Work & Life” (McGraw-Hill Professional), is an executive life coach and Keynote Speaker who is passionate about empowering women to think bigger, expand their vision of what’s possible, and to live and lead more courageously. With her down to earth Australian humor and working mother-of-four pragmatism, Margie draws on her background in psychology and Fortune 500 business to show others how to leverage adversity and take their lives to new levels of success and fulfillment. The “Resident Coach” on Let’s Talk Live (Washington, D.C.’s daily talk show), Margie also shares her expertise regularly on national media including The TODAY Show, CNBC and Fox News. To get her free Live Boldly! newsletter or other great resources please visit www.margiewarrell.com

Lessons from the BP Oil Spill

Margie Warrell — Sat, 22 May 2010 11:49:01 +0000

You’d have to be living in a cave the last month not to be aware of the growing environmental disaster caused by an explosion on a BP oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico. Having a long-held fondness for the company that gave me my first “real job” as a Graduate Trainee in their Australian head office, I couldn’t help but feel some level of sympathy for my old colleagues who still work for BP. Having your company dragged through the mud in the media, even if it is for good reason, is not an enjoyable experience.

It’s been many years since I playfully fought my then-boyfriend (now husband), who worked for Mobil Oil, about which gas station we should fill up in (me claiming BP’s were far more attractive, him convinced that Mobil’s were better quality underneath the glam). It has also been many years since BP transformed those initials from British Petroleum into Beyond Petroleum… ah the irony.

Of course none of us are yet certain about the exact chain of events that culminated in the explosion in the Gulf of Mexico last month. What I am fairly certain of is that there was an absence of effective leadership, communication and accountability. I also think there are valuable lessons we can all take from this situation and apply in our own workplaces and relationships.

We humans share an instinctive desire for self-preservation and an innate aversion to situations that might be emotionally uncomfortable. In an organizational setting this can drive employees to “play safe” and avoid crucial conversations about issues that put them at risk of confrontation or ruffling feathers. And if they assess that doing so might jeopardize their position or future opportunities they will be even more reticent to choose the courageous path of speaking up over the less risky one of silence.

But as I’ve said before, the quality of our conversations directly impacts the quality of our relationships and the quality of the results we achieve individually and through our collaboration with others. The absence of crucial conversations about valid issues of concern in any organization, from large global corporations right down to the family unit, can have far-reaching consequences. Concerns that aren’t talked out, contentious issues that aren’t thrashed out and substandard behavior that isn’t held to account rarely (if ever) improves of its own volition. Rather, left unaddressed, issues fester; poor performers grow poorer and flawed decision-making criteria declines further.

In any organization every individual must take personal responsibility for the impact their actions (or lack thereof) have on the organization as a whole, however relatively insignificant they may seem.

People in positions of formal leadership carry a responsibility for nurturing a culture that encourages open and respectful communication coupled with a collective commitment to excellent and ethical behavior (regardless of cost or inconvenience). That said, all members of an organization, regardless of rank or title, have a personal responsibility for contributing to an environment where people can speak up without fear of recrimination and where accountability for one’s performance is expected and not skirted.

Who is to blame for the millions of gallons of oil floating around in the Gulf of Mexico today? Though BP did not actually own the rig they were using (under lease from Transocean), certainly blame is being laid squarely at the feet of BP’s CEO, Tony Hayward. Such is the risk and responsibility that accompanies senior positions of leadership. However, I firmly believe that it takes far more than one person to be negligent in fulfilling their responsibilities for a system failure of this magnitude.

Whether you work in a large organization, run a small business, or are a stay-at-home mum, I invite you to reflect on the following questions and extract valuable lessons for yourself from this environmental catastrophe.

Where might you be avoiding important conversations for fear that they might result in confrontation, ruffle feathers or put you at risk in some way?
Do you treat others with the respect needed to create an environment where they feel safe to express opinions, even those which are contentious?
Do you hold others to account when they fail to fulfill a responsibility or underperform?
Do you honor your own commitments with integrity and excellence? And when you don’t, do you do you very best to rectify the situation?

Is There Something You Genuinely Need To Say?

Margie Warrell — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 21:59:46 +0000

Every day we find ourselves having to work through issues that come up in our relationships. Whether it be a difficult boss who seems to be devoid of management skills or a colleague on a school committee who dominates conversation (getting everyone off track in the process), opportunities to express your concerns or opinions are never too far away.

Sometimes we make the assessment that it’s really not worth our energy to put an issue on the table. We decide instead to just work around the issue or the person. But other times we do need to speak up and assert ourselves. Of course there is always some risk involved with that – risk of an awkward conversation, of causing offense, ruffling feathers or being criticized ourselves – but the question is, what’s the cost to you when you don’t speak up?

If there is something you genuinely want to say, chances are there is someone who genuinely needs to hear it.

Next Friday is my 16th wedding anniversary with my wonderful husband Andrew (yes, I know you are thinking “how can a twenty-something woman be married that long?”). If there is one crucial lesson I learned very early on in our relationship, it’s that if there is something on my mind that is causing me to feel upset in some way, however insignificant or petty I think it is, then it’s crucial to find a way to share it in a way that doesn’t lay blame, but lays it on the table. . . to discuss and to resolve. It’s also my professional experience that when an issue is causing a person some grief (whether frustration or resentment) and there is something they genuinely want to say, then chances are there is someone who genuinely needs to hear it.

While being interviewed on a local TV station last week, the conversation ended up on just this topic (as I’ve begun to learn, whatever topic I prepare for an interview, it always heads another direction). Click here to watch that interview. There are obviously a lot of nuances that need to be taken into account before embarking on what I call a “courageous conversation” — too many for the interview and too many for this newsletter. But one important thing you must always think about before entering into a sensitive or difficult conversation (or with a sensitive or difficult person!) is to first identify the highest intention you have for the conversation. What is it that you are ultimately hoping to achieve from it that will serve both you and the person you are speaking to?

The intention you have for your conversation will determine the result you get from it.

Too often our ego, with its insatiable need to be right and come out the winner (or to avoid looking wrong or being cast a loser), will have us going into a conversation for all the wrong reasons. We want to let the other person know they are a dim-wit or perhaps just a self-absorbed narcissist. Or maybe we aren’t quite that mad and we just want to put them back in their spot. If you find yourself going in to a conversation for anything remotely resembling these reasons then one thing is guaranteed, the conversation is not going to produce a positive result in the longer term. However, if you put your ego in its box and get clear about the higher purpose you are trying to achieve from the conversation (one that resonates with you and reflects the level of integrity you are committed to living with) then what you say and how you say it will produce a completely different result.

As I wrote in my book Find Your Courage (in the chapter “The Courage to Speak Up”), the intention you have going in to a conversation (however difficult or contentious) will have a profound impact on the way someone responds to your words. So, who is it that you need to have a courageous conversation with? What is the higher intention you have for the conversation? How can you approach the subject in a way that doesn’t make the other person wrong, but that simply seeks to express your concerns and ultimately resolve the issue?

Quality relationships (at work or home) grow from quality conversations.

Your relationships exist in conversation. The quality of your conversations directly impacts the quality of the relationships you have. While speaking up about sensitive issues may never be easy, just know that you have all the resources you need to speak up, do honor to what is true to you and in the process, be of service to the other person. So please, don’t tiptoe around any issue that has come to mind as you read this (particularly if it’s one you’ve been festering on). Make the decision to assert yourself, to reclaim the power that your doubt and fears have been wielding and, with the highest of intentions, to put that issue on the table.

Until next time, live boldly, shine brightly and be courageous in your conversations!