Margie Warrell

You’ve probably heard the furor about the fanatical Florida pastor who wants to burn copies of the Quran to mark the anniversary of 9/11.  No wonder he’s only drawn 50 members to join his church. Thankfully most people are too intelligent to listen to this religious extremist each week as he espouses such untruths (he reckons Jesus would have done what he’s doing), preaches division and fuels hatred.

The fact is that we will never end extremism with extremism.  Close-minded thinking will never put a halt to close-minded thinking. And righteous ignorant people will never enlighten righteous ignorant people.

While I don’t lay claim to enlightment, I do know that burning the holy books of other religions is a really unelightened, idiotic and odious thing to do.  But to bring all of this madness back to the context of our own lives, away from book-burning ceremonies, you may notice how often people can be self-righteous, judgmental and close-minded in their everyday interactions with those around them. Not you of course. But that person you have to work with. Live next door to. Are related to (though only by marriage of course.)   How many people do you know who fail to genuinely try to understand another’s perspective on an issue, and choose instead the path of superiority and righteousness?  Who want to be understood but don’t take the time to understand?

The only way we can ever hope to understand is through conversation. The root of which comes from the Latin for “changing together.”  So when you make the decision to understand another’s viewpoint, and they reciprocate, you cannot help but both be changed by the experience.  You both walk away with a new, and expanded, world view.  The key though is not to wait proudly for them to step up to the listening plate first. That responsibility rests with you.

Lasting peace can only be achieved through peaceful means. If you have to box someone in the nose, metaphorically speaking, in order to have your way or win your argument then, by default, someone else has to feel like they were boxed in the nose. (Same applies for burning their books). Sure, you may have won the battle but at what cost to the relationship? And at what cost to your identity and your future ability to win the trust of others?  Whether in the relationship you have with your spouse or the relationship between Christians and Muslims, Republicans and Democrats, only through engaging in civil conversation in which the initial goal is to understand, rather than to be understood, can harmony emerge, collaboration grow, societies prosper and humanity advance. You may not be a Middle East peace negotiator, but you are a peace negotiator in every relationship you have.  How can we ever hope to have world peace if we can’t first have peace in our home, in our workspace or local community?

So, I invite you to ask yourself: where might your need to be right, and to bring others around to your way of thinking, be getting in the way of growing mutual understanding, building trust and growing your influence?  In short: where might you benefit from listening more and speaking less?

As illogical or loopy as their opinion may seem to you, it’s perfectly valid to them.  And as obstinate or self-defensive as they may seem, the only chance you ever have of bridging the gap between your diverging perspectives (even if not your beliefs) is by being willing to listen first.

Sure you will never see eye to eye with everyone, nor would you want to (our relationships, organizations and the world at large are served by diversity), but just imagine how much more enjoyable and less stressful your life would be if all your relationships honored mutual respect. And how much more peaceful the world would be if all people felt they and their beliefs were given equal respect, justice and opportunity.

So next time you’re indignant at someone’s behavior or entering the downward spiral of conflict, take a step back, close your mouth, box your ego and it’s burning need to be right, and do the only logical and effective thing there is to do: – apply the Golden Rule: Listen to others as you would like them to listen to you.

I wonder if Pastor Jones has ever taken the time to read the Qu’ran which he insists on burning, or to get to know even one of the millions of good hearted and peace seeking Muslims who follow its teachings.  I doubt it. He doesn’t have the courage.

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So often when I hear people complaining,  feeling upset about something (or someone!), or overwhelmed with all that they have on their plate, I can quickly spot a request that they could be making that they aren’t.  Asking someone to do something (or to stop doing something) can take courage because you put yourself at risk of rejection, disappointment, and hurt.  But unless you are willing to ask for what you really want, then you have no chance of getting it as I shared on my recent interview on Better TV. 

Here are 6 keys to making bigger and better requests. My request of you is that you actually step outside your comfort zone today and make a request… the worst thing that can happen is that you find yourself exactly where you started! Go on now… be courageous!

1. Don’t assume others are mind readers. We often assume our husbands, bosses, friends and even work colleagues are mind readers and when they don’t act as we’d like, we wind up resentful and upset. For any relationship to thrive both parties have to take responsibility for communicating their needs. Hints just don’t cut it. Whether it’s how you’d like your partner to engage in foreplay, or how you’d like your colleague to communicate with you about a project at work, it’s crucial to be assertive in conveying your wants and needs.

2. Be specific about what you want and when you want it. Asking someone to do something for you “when they get a chance” is a recipe for unmet expectations, frustration and hurt. For a request to hold any water it needs to specify not just what you’d like, but also the time frame in which you want it done. That is, a “what” and a “when.”  My beloved husband has learnt to do this very well, “Margie, when you borrow my car could you  at least please stop parking my car half way out of the garage?”  [...]

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You’d have to be living in a cave the last month not to be aware of the growing environmental disaster caused by an explosion on a BP oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico. Having a long-held fondness for the company that gave me my first “real job” as a Graduate Trainee in their Australian head office, I couldn’t help but feel some level of sympathy for my old colleagues who still work for BP. Having your company dragged through the mud in the media, even if it is for good reason, is not an enjoyable experience.

It’s been many years since I playfully fought my then-boyfriend (now husband), who worked for Mobil Oil, about which gas station we should fill up in (me claiming BP’s were far more attractive, him convinced that Mobil’s were better quality underneath the glam). It has also been many years since BP transformed those initials from British Petroleum into Beyond Petroleum… ah the irony.

Of course none of us are yet certain about the exact chain of events that culminated in the explosion in the Gulf of Mexico last month. What I am fairly certain of is that there was an absence of effective leadership, communication and accountability. I also think there are valuable lessons we can all take from this situation and apply in our own workplaces and relationships.

We humans share an instinctive desire for self-preservation and an innate aversion to situations that might be emotionally uncomfortable. In an organizational setting this can drive employees to “play safe” and avoid crucial conversations about [...]

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Every day we find ourselves having to work through issues that come up in our relationships. Whether it be a difficult boss who seems to be devoid of management skills or a colleague on a school committee who dominates conversation (getting everyone off track in the process), opportunities to express your concerns or opinions are never too far away.

Sometimes we make the assessment that it’s really not worth our energy to put an issue on the table. We decide instead to just work around the issue or the person. But other times we do need to speak up and assert ourselves. Of course there is always some risk involved with that – risk of an awkward conversation, of causing offense, ruffling feathers or being criticized ourselves – but the question is, what’s the cost to you when you don’t speak up?

If there is something you genuinely want to say, chances are there is someone who genuinely needs to hear it.

Next Friday is my 16th wedding anniversary with my wonderful husband Andrew (yes, I know you are  thinking “how can a twenty-something woman be married that long?”). If there is one crucial lesson I learned very early on in our relationship, it’s that if there is something on my mind that is causing me to feel upset in some way, however insignificant or petty I think it is, then it’s crucial to find a way to share it in a way that doesn’t lay blame, but lays it on the table. . . to discuss and to resolve. It’s also my professional experience that when an issue is causing a person some grief (whether frustration or resentment) and there is something they genuinely want to say, then chances are there is someone who genuinely needs to hear it.

While being interviewed on a local TV station last week, the conversation ended up on just this topic (as I’ve begun to learn, whatever topic I prepare for an interview, it always heads another direction). Click here to watch that interview. There are obviously a lot of nuances that need to be taken into account before embarking on what I call a “courageous conversation” — too many for the interview and too many for this newsletter. But one important thing you must always think about before entering into a sensitive or difficult conversation (or with a sensitive or difficult person!) is to first identify the highest intention you have for the conversation. What is it that you are ultimately hoping to achieve from it that will serve both you and the person you are speaking to? [...]

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As you read the title of this post perhaps you were thinking “umm… I don’t know… could I?”. If that was the case for you then I want you to begin by thinking about something in your life that is not how you would like it to be right now: a person who is annoying you, a situation which is causing you to feel overwhelmed or frustrated or unappreciated, something you would like but aren’t getting. It doesn’t have to be something huge…  but it might be! The only criterion is that it’s something that isn’t the way you would ideally like it to be.

Now think about what specifically it is in regard to this “issue” that you would need to be different for you to feel better about it; or put another way, for there to be no issue at all.

Finally, ask yourself whether or not you have made a clear request to have this need fulfilled?

My experience is that often [...]

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First up, if you’d like to watch a TV interview I did in on NBC Philadelphia on Wednesday go to this link (full link at the bottom of this post). It was my first interview with a life studio audience which was a real hoot! (I swear I’m coming back as Oprah in my next life)

During the interview I was asked about why it takes courage to say No. Which was ironic given that I’m just finishing the busiest few months of my life in which I’ve had to [...]

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Don’t get me wrong. I’m not anti-guns. . . I grew up with them!  Going rabbit shooting on my parents’ farm in rural Australia was a regular (and favorite) pastime (sorry rabbit lovers — that was just the way it was growing up in the Aussie bush).  But last week I heard a very tragic story that has compelled me to get on my soap box on the issue of gun control. It seems that with all the focus on things like swine flu and recession, we missed the recent 10-year anniversary of the Columbine massacre along with the progress (or rather, lack thereof) on the gun control issue.

The topic of gun control creates a lot of conflict and incites a lot of fear. Much of the fear is driven, in my humble opinion, by the pro-gun movements’ belief that restricting the availability of guns is an infringement on one’s individual freedom limiting our ability to protect ourselves.  But their equation that gun access equals safety and freedom quickly proves itself false when you look at the facts and take the rhetoric out of it. For instance, did you know that the United States has, as a percentage of population, 32 times more gun homicides than the UK each year and that Americans are over four times more likely to die of gun death than Canadians? How can anyone say guns create safety and freedom with statistics like that.

Here’s a few more to  (sourced from Coalition to Stop Gun Violence):

• With every day that passes, 8 children and more than 70 adults in America die from gun violence
• In 2004, guns murdered 37 in Sweden, 56 in Australia, 73 in England & Wales, 184 in Canada and a staggering 11,344 in the United States
• A 1998 report found that the rate of firearm homicide in the U.S. is nineteen times higher than that of 35 other high-income countries combined
• American children (age 14 and below) are sixteen times more likely than children in other industrialized nations to be murdered with a gun, eleven times more likely to commit suicide with a gun, and nine times more likely to die from firearms accidents
• To top it all off, 40% of gun sales nationwide take place without a criminal background check

Can the current status quo continue at the cost of human lives for the sake of “guaranteeing freedom” as the pro-gun lobby maintains?

The story I mentioned involved an Easter egg hunt gone tragically wrong. A three-year old boy in Texas searching for Easter eggs in his parents’ bedroom inadvertently triggered the loaded gun his dad kept under his pillow! His parents rushed to the bedroom when they heard a gunshot after the young boy put the gun to his head and fatally shot himself. I’m sorry and maybe it’s just me who is scratching my head bewildered, but have people completely lost the plot? How can anyone think that keeping a loaded gun under their pillow, particularly when they have young kids (and what kids don’t love jump on their parents bed?!) is a good idea?! Puhleease.

Which brings me back to my point. Guns are dangerous. They kill people. Big people, little people, and way too often, innocent people.  Every day and far too regularly by people who, quite frankly, shouldn’t even have access to a bread knife.

So I’m not calling for a ban on guns. I’m just calling for some common sense. Surely it is past time for a national and rational debate that examines the issue objectively, and weighs up the “right to bear arms” versus the cost to every person living in America of millions of people walking around with loaded guns in their pockets, in their cars, in their homes and  under their pillows.

I know I talk a lot about living with courage. Let me just say, when it comes to Americans and their obsession with guns, it scares the hell out of me.

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Don’t get me wrong. I’m not anti-guns. . . I grew up with them!  Going rabbit shooting on my parents’ farm in rural Australia was a regular (and favorite) pastime (sorry rabbit lovers — that was just the way it was growing up in the Aussie bush).  But last week I heard a very tragic story that has compelled me to get on my soap box on the issue of gun control. It seems that with all the focus on things like swine flu and recession, we missed the recent 10-year anniversary of the Columbine massacre along with the progress (or rather, lack thereof) on the gun control issue.

The topic of gun control creates a lot of conflict and incites a lot of fear. Much of the fear is driven, in my humble opinion, by the pro-gun movements’ belief that restricting the availability of guns is an infringement on one’s individual freedom limiting our ability to protect ourselves.  But their equation that gun access equals safety and freedom quickly proves itself false when you look at the facts and take the rhetoric out of it. For instance, did you know that the United States has, as a percentage of population, 32 times more gun homicides than the UK each year and that Americans are over four times more likely to die of gun death than Canadians? How can anyone say guns create safety and freedom with statistics like that.

Here’s a few more to  (sourced from Coalition to Stop Gun Violence):

• With every day that passes, 8 children and more than 70 adults in America die from gun violence
• In 2004, guns murdered 37 in Sweden, 56 in Australia, 73 in England & Wales, 184 in Canada and a staggering 11,344 in the United States
• A 1998 report found that the rate of firearm homicide in the U.S. is nineteen times higher than that of 35 other high-income countries combined
• American children (age 14 and below) are sixteen times more likely than children in other industrialized nations to be murdered with a gun, eleven times more likely to commit suicide with a gun, and nine times more likely to die from firearms accidents
• To top it all off, 40% of gun sales nationwide take place without a criminal background check

Can the current status quo continue at the cost of human lives for the sake of “guaranteeing freedom” as the pro-gun lobby maintains?

The story I mentioned involved an Easter egg hunt gone tragically wrong. A three-year old boy in Texas searching for Easter eggs in his parents’ bedroom inadvertently triggered the loaded gun his dad kept under his pillow! His parents rushed to the bedroom when they heard a gunshot after the young boy put the gun to his head and fatally shot himself. I’m sorry and maybe it’s just me who is scratching my head bewildered, but have people completely lost the plot? How can anyone think that keeping a loaded gun under their pillow, particularly when they have young kids (and what kids don’t love jump on their parents bed?!) is a good idea?! Puhleease.

Which brings me back to my point. Guns are dangerous. They kill people. Big people, little people, and way too often, innocent people.  Every day and far too regularly by people who, quite frankly, shouldn’t even have access to a bread knife.

So I’m not calling for a ban on guns. I’m just calling for some common sense. Surely it is past time for a national and rational debate that examines the issue objectively, and weighs up the “right to bear arms” versus the cost to every person living in America of millions of people walking around with loaded guns in their pockets, in their cars, in their homes and  under their pillows.

I know I talk a lot about living with courage. Let me just say, when it comes to Americans and their obsession with guns, it scares the hell out of me.

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Do you ever deal with difficult people who seem to be unnecessarily hostile, petty or offensive? Ever find yourself wanting to dish out your own snide remark or act in a way that you know is childish? Go on, admit it, of course you do! We all find ourselves, on occasion, feeling tempted to act in ways that are “small,” particularly when there is someone who seems to be acting that way with us.

It’s inevitable throughout life that there will be people who, at times, leave you feeling wounded, under attack, deflated, disappointed or just angry. Anyone come to mind? Regardless of who it is, or why they upset you, or how much you believe that they are in the wrong (and you in the right!), these people all have something important to teach you, offering you a truly valuable opportunity to evolve into a bigger, wiser and more powerful person. Here are four things to keep in mind next time you are confronted with such a person.

1. It’s Not About You
When someone acts in a way that violates your sense of right and wrong, it’s likely you find yourself wondering, “How could that person be that way? Why are they so offensive, mean-spirited or manipulative?” Why so indeed. They behave that way because something inside them is driving them to be that way; they get a “pay off” from it on some level — conscious or not. It’s my experience that unresolved feelings of hurt, fear and inadequacy lie at the core of it all. After all, no one who feels truly good about themselves has the need to lash out at others, be harsh in their judgments, stinging with their words and hurtful in their actions.

So when someone behaves in a way that you find hurtful or offensive see it for what it is:  a huge whopping statement about how they feel about themselves. We all come across people in life with a strong need to prove their superiority — whether intellectual, moral, societal, financial or otherwise. But as I’ve discovered over the years, those people who are genuinely content with themselves (albeit still striving to do better) have absolutely no need to put others down nor to assert their superiority. After all, a superiority complex is really just an inferiority complex in disguise.

So please don’t take other people’s words and actions too personally. It says so much more about them — their fragile self-esteem, negative emotional state and narrow world view — than it does about you.

2. Two Wrongs Don’t Make A Right
When I was growing up, and fighting with my siblings all the time like most kids do, my mum would always be reminding me “Margaret Mary, two wrongs don’t make a right!” Though it didn’t feel that way at the time, experience has taught me that hurting someone for no other reason than “They hurt me first” never produces a positive outcome. The truth is that just because “they” hit below the belt doesn’t make it right for you to do the same. Sure when someone comes at you with the intention to wound, it’s a pretty instinctive to react by wounding them back. But here’s the thing:  when you choose to lower yourself to the same level of behaving (and it is a choice!), it serves nothing more than your pride and ego. And even then, it’s only a temporary hit for your ego as pretty quickly the situation will spiral down to the next level and your behavior will need to descend with it in order to mount your counter attack. Allowing others’ behavior to determine your own takes a profound toll on your self-worth and diminishes your sense of personal power. To para-phrase Gandhi “Be the change you want to see in others.” Not always easy to do, but always a powerful statement to make to those you are dealing with.

3. Be Compassionate
As human beings, we are always trying to do the best we can. Sure some people’s best efforts may seem to be mightily misguided from where you stand, and yes, some people seem to struggle at lot more when it comes to managing their emotions, maintaining relationships and interacting with the world around them. You can curse them. You can abuse them. You can “spit the dummy” (an Aussie phrase meaning to completely lose it!) and let them know in no uncertain terms that you think they have a very warped view of the world, that they are a complete loser, a control freak or a narcissistic demon who should burn in the fires of hell (. . . okay so I’m getting carried away). But what if, instead of reacting to their negativity, you could meet them from a place of compassion — for the suffering that is obviously fuelling their negativity and miserableness? Guy Finley, a colleague in the field of personal development wrote that “real compassion lies in our ability to remember that any angry, resentful person is usually just someone who can no longer bear the weary weight of his or her own concealed despair.” The fact is, people who are mean, aggressive, controlling or greedy are acting that way because fear, scarcity and anger dominate their emotional landscape. That can’t be much fun can it? Now I’m not saying that you should tolerate their bad behavior (far from it — setting boundaries with people who violate yours is important for your own well-being and self-respect!), BUT I am saying that it can be really helpful to you to try to feel compassion for the suffering that drives it.

4. Focus on What You Need to Work On
Most days I have at least one of my children run up to tell me about something “bad” one of their siblings or friends did. I generally respond with “But was there anything you did that wasn’t really good?” to which they generally respond by rolling their eyes heavenward and running away as fast as they arrived. I know when people press my buttons, it’s generally pointing to something I need to work on myself. I loathe superficiality; but at times I know I can be that way. I can’t stand people who are arrogant; yet sometimes I find myself looking down on people. I cringe in the company of narrow-minded people with small world views; but I guess there are things I’m narrow minded about myself (I just can’t think of any!  )

Real strength comes from uncovering a weakness. So only when we are willing to own our own failings, our own humanity, our own pettiness, our own resentments, fears and insecurities can we truly respond to others with the compassion that will not only serve them, enabling them to evolve into a “bigger” person, but it will deepen our own experience of life and with it, our acceptance of our own fallibility. Until then, when we respond with indignation, retaliation, superiority or adorning our own boxing gloves to “give as good as they gave us,” we only feed the seeds of their negativity and fuel the very forces that drive them to act as they do.

I want to leave you with the challenge of stepping back from the fray when you feel under attack (or wanting to attack!) and ask yourself:

• Where am I taking this too personally?
• How can I be bigger in the face of their smallness?
• How must this person be suffering for them to act as they are?
• What do I need to work on myself?

Until next time, I invite you to think bigger and to act bigger. . . particularly when those around you aren’t!

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Suffering some relationship stress? In any relationship issues will inevitably arise from time to time that have the potential to create tension and conflict. It is not the issues themselves which are the main cause for relationship breakdown but how you go about addressing them. Many of us struggle to effectively speak up about the issues that are causing us to feel resentful, frustrated or downright angry with the result being that what isn’t talked out gets acted out — in cheap shots, innuendos, moodiness, the “silent treatment.” Needless to say, the cost can be profound. Not only can it undermine the mood in your family, friendships or workplace but it can have a serious impact on your emotional, mental and physical health.

5 Steps for Mustering Up Your Courage to Speak Up

1. Box Your Ego
Every conversation provides an opportunity to build or erode trust. As tempting as it may be to make the other person wrong in order to make yourself right, doing so never serves you or your relationship. Your ego’s prime concern is you looking good (or avoiding looking bad). Putting your ego in its box means letting go of your need to play safe or to win your case; to resort to silence or violence. Instead reflect on what you really want to achieve for yourself, the other [...]

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