Every time I turn on the TV at the moment I hear fighting about how best to get the US economy back on track. Needless to say, I do not have the answer to that problem. But what I’ve noticed more and more is how steadfast people are in their refusal to ask more questions. Rather that acknowledging how much we don’t know about the best road to economic recovery, people insist that “My way is THE way” and that if you don’t buy into it, you’re an idiot. Something about that approach not only rubs me up the wrong way, but just comes across as incredibly foolish, arrogant and destructive. [...]
There’s been a lot of focus in the media in recent weeks on both sexual harassment and sexual abuse, particularly surrounding the tragedy at Penn State. Both involve the interplay of sex and power, vulnerability and intimidation. Both are issues requiring courage. Both require more discussion than any blog post can provide, but I was to share my thoughts anyway.
ON SEXUAL ABUSE:
It goes without saying that it’s reprehensible for any human being to abuse another; much less an adult sexually abuse an innocent child. While we must enforce harsh laws to deter predators, the front line of attack on sexual abuse ultimately rests on the shoulders of parents. We have to help our children to understand three core things:
- That no person is ever so powerful or important that they can’t tell us if they have acted inappropriately toward them
- That we will always believe them, and
- That there is nothing that they can ever do that they should feel ashamed about or that would ever make us ashamed of them. Period.
I ran into a friend last weekend. Let’s call her Suzie. Suzie shared with me she was very recently passed over for a promotion that she felt she had clearly been the most well placed to get. When she found out that it had gone to a guy with far less experience than her and not half as strong a track record, she said she felt like she’d “been kicked in the stomach.” Suzie was clearly still very upset and assessing her options for the future. Leaving a large Fortune 500 company where she’d paved a relatively successful sales career for herself for the last 20+ years was a decision she had to weigh closely.
The only feedback Suzie been given was that she didn’t act “enough like a leader.” Nothing more. Which was both useless and frustrating for her. After all, she had consistenly delivered among the top sales results across her entire division for years. But when I asked her whether or not she’d asked for more clarity on what “not enough like a leader” meant, or even expressed her upset at being passed over, Suzie had said that she hadn’t. She hated to rock the boat. Which is part the problem – we women are sometimes our own worst enemy when it comes to being taken seriously as leaders. Sure, being collaborative is great. But sometimes we need to assert ourselves, we need to push back, speak up and yes, sometimes we need to rock the boat. Is
Women make great leaders. We bring strengths and perspectives that complement men and improve the outcomes of the decisions being made. We are naturally perceptive, empathetic and collaborative. But look at the number of women who’ve ascended to the top rung of the corporate ladder in the Fortune 500 corporations and you quickly see that women, despite all the progress of the last fifty years, are still the distinct minority in American boardrooms today.
This is neither good for women or for men. Research has shown that when you have more women sitting at the decision making table, it improves the bottom line results of the organizations who make them. So more women involved in the important decisions isn’t just good for women, it’s good for everyone.
There are myriad complex and intertwining reasons why women are still such a minority at the top (25% of Fortune 500 corporations don’t have any women on their boards!). One of the most obvious is that during the period of life (5-15 years post college) when men are hard at work earning their leadership stripes, women are having children. And while many women choose to combine child rearing with pursuing a career, many others elect to opt out of the demanding kids-clients-career juggling act. I don’t believe that any choice is better or worse. At least women now have a choice to make. But it does explain why, at least partially, despite the fact that women are graduating college at a rate of 3 to 2 over men, only 2% of our top companies are run by women.
From oppression in Syria to famine in Somalia, from the UK riots to the US Credit Rating, from high unemployment to low housing prices to drawn out wars claiming the lives of the finest of young men and women – there’s no doubt about it, we are living in turbulent times.
Switch on the TV and you are quickly bombarded with a zillion reasons why you need to hunker down, play safe, avoid risk, stash your cash under your bed, and think about getting a script for anti-anxiety medication. Just last night watching cable news, a leading anchor predicted that the discontent fuelling the riots sweeping across the UK would soon be fuelling similar violence in the US. And I was only watching TV for 15 minutes to catch that. The messages preaching doom and gloom are pervasive and never have we felt like we have more reasons to feel afraid.
Left unchecked though, anxiety can run amok and fear can become a crippling emotion. And while fear serves a positive purpose in our life to an extent, when we give in to fear on a regular and ongoing basis, it can spread like a virus, until it infiltrates into every corner of our life, our thoughts, decisions and actions. Like all emotions, fear is contagious and powerful. It can siphon the joy out of our day and the life out of our lives. Which is why, now, more than ever before, we need to be mindful about the potentially oppressive impact of fear and increasingly discerning about which fears we pay heed to. After all, history has shown us that it is those who refuse to succumb to fear, and who act most boldly, who reap the richest rewards during times of adversity.
Yes, fear is a powerful emotion but it doesn’t have to overpower our life.
So let me ask you – where is fear running the show in your life and, more so, where is there an opportunity for you right now (yes today), to be more courageous?
Firstly, let me just clarify what I mean by courage. Courage is not the absence of fear, or self-doubt, or misgivings about our future. It’s not pretending that tragedy and turmoil isn’t happening in the world around us, it’s not turning a blind eye to oppression or minimizing genuine threats to our freedom, security, and livelihood. Rather courage is choosing to focus on what we can do and take positive action in the presence of your fear. Courage is choosing to stay optimistic even when the headlines preach that the end of the world is nigh (2012 is it?). It’s choosing to stick your neck out and speak up about an issue even when you know it could ruffle feathers. It’s saying no to a relationship or circumstance that doesn’t inspire you in order to make space for one that does. It’s putting your hand up to present your teams idea to management or take the lead on a business initiative. It’s inviting somone over for dinner even though your home doesn’t qualify for the cover of Vogue living. It’s giving up having to control your future (since you can’t anyway), and holding on to faith in yourself that whatever the future holds, you have the ability to handle it.
So often we make assumptions about other people that are simply untrue. We think they are “above” us; that they don’t like us; or that they look down on us. All of these thoughts are based on assumptions that we don’t validate, and all of these assumptions get in the way of us engaging with them confidently and even creating relationships that could ultimately benefit us (and them.)
Over the years, I’ve found that at all levels of society and business, people make false assumptions of what others are thinking, projecting on to them their insecurities and fears. I’ve seen many people held back in their careers because they are afraid to approach or engage with people more senior to them, for no other reason than they are initimidated by their rank or status. We bring prejudices and false beliefs into our interactions with people (based on everything from the color of their skin or where they went to school, to the title on their business card) that alienate us from them and prevents us from building a relationship with them. Living with assumptions that others “are better than us”, that “they haven’t got time for the likes of us” or that “I’m just not good enough” can be very costly – to our careers, our relationships and our happiness over all. [...]
I’m a pretty trusting person. And by and large I’ve found that it’s served me well to assume that most people are honest, well meaning and trust-worthy. That said, I’ve also learned from some less than pleasant experiences that there are times when I need hold back placing trust in someone or to just be more discerning what I trust them with. Like the time in back in my penny pinching university days when I foolishly trusted a roomate/novice hairdresser to put highlights in my hair. I looked like a leopard!Trust lies at the core of all our relationships. And yet if you ask 100 people exactly what trust is you will likely get 100 different answers. The reason is that the concept of trust is complex and whilst we are often clear about who we trust (and don’t trust), we’re often much less clear about why.When working with clients on trust, many of whom have leadership roles in organizations and are faced with issues of trust (or lack thereof) daily, understanding the three key elements of trust can be helpful. My guess is they will also be helpful to you. First in enabling you to better distinguish specifically why you don’t trust someone and second in helping you become more effective in building trust yourself (or repairing it when damaged). After all, your ability to develop trusting relationships is pivotal to not only your personal relationships but to your effectiveness at work at every turn.
The Three Elements of Trust
The diagram below illustrates the inter-relationship between the three core elements of trust. Whenever a person is perceived to act in a way that undermines trust in any of these areas, trust overall is diminished.
Competence: The element of competence is what I call “domain specific” in that it depends on what area of expertise or skill you are assessing someone to be trustworthy in. For instance, you might trust me to cook you a roast dinner or to coach you to achieve a goal, but you wouldn’t trust me to give you a root canal (for good reason!). Likewise, I trust my kids to put their bikes away after they’ve ridden them but I would not trust them to cook me a roast dinner. Not yet anyway. More training is required! So the question to ask here is, “Does this person have the ability, knowledge, relevant experience and resources to perform this specific task in this domain of expertise?”
Reliability: Reliability is about whether you can count on someone to manage and honor their commitments. Or put another way, to do what they say they’ll do when they say they’ll do it. So you may trust someone to be competent at a particular task and sincere in their intention to do it, but their track record of unreliability, whether it be tardiness or sloppy work, keeps you from trusting them completely. The question to ask, “Can I count on this person to keep their promises and get the task done properly and by the agreed time frame?” [...]
You’ve probably heard the furor about the fanatical Florida pastor who wants to burn copies of the Quran to mark the anniversary of 9/11. No wonder he’s only drawn 50 members to join his church. Thankfully most people are too intelligent to listen to this religious extremist each week as he espouses such untruths (he reckons Jesus would have done what he’s doing), preaches division and fuels hatred.
The fact is that we will never end extremism with extremism. Close-minded thinking will never put a halt to close-minded thinking. And righteous ignorant people will never enlighten righteous ignorant people.
While I don’t lay claim to enlightment, I do know that burning the holy books of other religions is a really unelightened, idiotic and odious thing to do. But to bring all of this madness back to the context of our own lives, away from book-burning ceremonies, you may notice how often people can be self-righteous, judgmental and close-minded in their everyday interactions with those around them. Not you of course. But that person you have to work with. Live next door to. Are related to (though only by marriage of course.) How many people do you know who fail to genuinely try to understand another’s perspective on an issue, and choose instead the path of superiority and righteousness? Who want to be understood but don’t take the time to understand?
The only way we can ever hope to understand is through conversation. The root of which comes from the Latin for “changing together.” So when you make the decision to [...]
Think of a situation that’s causing you to feel resentful, frustrated, unappreciated or overwhelmed. We all experience them but often we don’t have the courage to do what it takes to change them. Maybe it’s a boss who has unreasonable expectations; a neighbor or co-worker who’s become a pest; or a spouse who seems to be taking us for granted.
If you aren’t getting something you really want then it may be because you just aren’t asking for it. Complaining about your problems never solves them; whining about unmet needs never fulfills them. When you get clear about what you want, and are willing to ask for it, you will experience not only a lot less stress in your life, but greater success in your relationships, your career and your life over all. Here are six tips to help you on your way.
Here are six tips to help you on your way.
1. Don’t assume others are mind readers. We often assume our spouses, bosses, work colleagues and even our good friends can read our minds. So when don’t act as we’d like, we wind up hurt and upset. Of course, for any relationship to thrive, both parties have to take responsibility for communicating their needs. Hints just don’t cut it. Whether it’s how you’d like, your colleague to communicate with you about a work project, or how you’d like your partner to engage in foreplay, it’s crucial to be assertive in conveying what you want.
2. Be bold in your requests. When it comes to asking for what you really want, the Latin proverb “Fortes fortuna adiuvat” sums it up perfectly: “Fortune favors the bold”. The reality is you will rarely, if ever, be given more than what you have the courage to ask for. So don’t dilute your requests in order to minimize the possibility of being turned down. Think about what your ideal outcome would be and then confidently, courageously, ask for it. While you may not always get as much as you asked for (whether it be a pay rise or the corner office) you are going to get a lot more than what you would have otherwise received. [...]
You’d have to be living in a cave the last month not to be aware of the growing environmental disaster caused by an explosion on a BP oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico. Having a long-held fondness for the company that gave me my first “real job” as a Graduate Trainee in their Australian head office, I couldn’t help but feel some level of sympathy for my old colleagues who still work for BP. Having your company dragged through the mud in the media, even if it is for good reason, is not an enjoyable experience.
It’s been many years since I playfully fought my then-boyfriend (now husband), who worked for Mobil Oil, about which gas station we should fill up in (me claiming BP’s were far more attractive, him convinced that Mobil’s were better quality underneath the glam). It has also been many years since BP transformed those initials from British Petroleum into Beyond Petroleum… ah the irony.
Of course none of us are yet certain about the exact chain of events that culminated in the explosion in the Gulf of Mexico last month. What I am fairly certain of is that there was an absence of effective leadership, communication and accountability. I also think there are valuable lessons we can all take from this situation and apply in our own workplaces and relationships.
We humans share an instinctive desire for self-preservation and an innate aversion to situations that might be emotionally uncomfortable. In an organizational setting this can drive employees to “play safe” and avoid crucial conversations about [...]
Every day we find ourselves having to work through issues that come up in our relationships. Whether it be a difficult boss who seems to be devoid of management skills or a colleague on a school committee who dominates conversation (getting everyone off track in the process), opportunities to express your concerns or opinions are never too far away.
Sometimes we make the assessment that it’s really not worth our energy to put an issue on the table. We decide instead to just work around the issue or the person. But other times we do need to speak up and assert ourselves. Of course there is always some risk involved with that – risk of an awkward conversation, of causing offense, ruffling feathers or being criticized ourselves – but the question is, what’s the cost to you when you don’t speak up?
If there is something you genuinely want to say, chances are there is someone who genuinely needs to hear it.
Next Friday is my 16th wedding anniversary with my wonderful husband Andrew (yes, I know you are thinking “how can a twenty-something woman be married that long?”). If there is one crucial lesson I learned very early on in our relationship, it’s that if there is something on my mind that is causing me to feel upset in some way, however insignificant or petty I think it is, then it’s crucial to find a way to share it in a way that doesn’t lay blame, but lays it on the table. . . to discuss and to resolve. It’s also my professional experience that when an issue is causing a person some grief (whether frustration or resentment) and there is something they genuinely want to say, then chances are there is someone who genuinely needs to hear it.
While being interviewed on a local TV station last week, the conversation ended up on just this topic (as I’ve begun to learn, whatever topic I prepare for an interview, it always heads another direction). Click here to watch that interview. There are obviously a lot of nuances that need to be taken into account before embarking on what I call a “courageous conversation” — too many for the interview and too many for this newsletter. But one important thing you must always think about before entering into a sensitive or difficult conversation (or with a sensitive or difficult person!) is to first identify the highest intention you have for the conversation. What is it that you are ultimately hoping to achieve from it that will serve both you and the person you are speaking to? [...]
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