Margie Warrell

You’ve probably heard the furor about the fanatical Florida pastor who wants to burn copies of the Quran to mark the anniversary of 9/11.  No wonder he’s only drawn 50 members to join his church. Thankfully most people are too intelligent to listen to this religious extremist each week as he espouses such untruths (he reckons Jesus would have done what he’s doing), preaches division and fuels hatred.

The fact is that we will never end extremism with extremism.  Close-minded thinking will never put a halt to close-minded thinking. And righteous ignorant people will never enlighten righteous ignorant people.

While I don’t lay claim to enlightment, I do know that burning the holy books of other religions is a really unelightened, idiotic and odious thing to do.  But to bring all of this madness back to the context of our own lives, away from book-burning ceremonies, you may notice how often people can be self-righteous, judgmental and close-minded in their everyday interactions with those around them. Not you of course. But that person you have to work with. Live next door to. Are related to (though only by marriage of course.)   How many people do you know who fail to genuinely try to understand another’s perspective on an issue, and choose instead the path of superiority and righteousness?  Who want to be understood but don’t take the time to understand?

The only way we can ever hope to understand is through conversation. The root of which comes from the Latin for “changing together.”  So when you make the decision to understand another’s viewpoint, and they reciprocate, you cannot help but both be changed by the experience.  You both walk away with a new, and expanded, world view.  The key though is not to wait proudly for them to step up to the listening plate first. That responsibility rests with you.

Lasting peace can only be achieved through peaceful means. If you have to box someone in the nose, metaphorically speaking, in order to have your way or win your argument then, by default, someone else has to feel like they were boxed in the nose. (Same applies for burning their books). Sure, you may have won the battle but at what cost to the relationship? And at what cost to your identity and your future ability to win the trust of others?  Whether in the relationship you have with your spouse or the relationship between Christians and Muslims, Republicans and Democrats, only through engaging in civil conversation in which the initial goal is to understand, rather than to be understood, can harmony emerge, collaboration grow, societies prosper and humanity advance. You may not be a Middle East peace negotiator, but you are a peace negotiator in every relationship you have.  How can we ever hope to have world peace if we can’t first have peace in our home, in our workspace or local community?

So, I invite you to ask yourself: where might your need to be right, and to bring others around to your way of thinking, be getting in the way of growing mutual understanding, building trust and growing your influence?  In short: where might you benefit from listening more and speaking less?

As illogical or loopy as their opinion may seem to you, it’s perfectly valid to them.  And as obstinate or self-defensive as they may seem, the only chance you ever have of bridging the gap between your diverging perspectives (even if not your beliefs) is by being willing to listen first.

Sure you will never see eye to eye with everyone, nor would you want to (our relationships, organizations and the world at large are served by diversity), but just imagine how much more enjoyable and less stressful your life would be if all your relationships honored mutual respect. And how much more peaceful the world would be if all people felt they and their beliefs were given equal respect, justice and opportunity.

So next time you’re indignant at someone’s behavior or entering the downward spiral of conflict, take a step back, close your mouth, box your ego and it’s burning need to be right, and do the only logical and effective thing there is to do: – apply the Golden Rule: Listen to others as you would like them to listen to you.

I wonder if Pastor Jones has ever taken the time to read the Qu’ran which he insists on burning, or to get to know even one of the millions of good hearted and peace seeking Muslims who follow its teachings.  I doubt it. He doesn’t have the courage.

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I’m currently back in Australia which is in the midst of a federal election campaign. Last week Australia’s Prime Minister Julia Gillard, who deposed her former boss Kevin Rudd in June and has had anything but a smooth campaign to date, announced that from here on in the Australian people would see the “real Julia.” Frankly, I was quite surprised by her comment which left me, and I assume many Australians, wondering who we had seen up until now if it was not the “real Julia.”

Of course there are many traits we want from our leaders — political, corporate and otherwise. Intelligence, hard work, common sense, integrity, empathy, humility, decisiveness, and the list goes on. But what we all crave is for them to be authentic, genuine… real. And when it is absent (or perceived as lacking), it can profoundly damage trust and diminish their ability to exert the influence, and create the positive change, needed of them as leaders.

Reflecting on the backlash Julia Gillard received this last week for her comments, it made me think about the bigger lesson here for all of us, regardless of our politics or leadership aspirations. Obviously there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting to fit in, to be liked, approved of, or “look good” in the eyes of others. You and I are, after all, only human. However, if your desire to achieve this comes at the expense of expressing who you really are — no smoke and mirrors or custom-designed masks – or requires selling out on a core value in some way, then it comes at a steep personal price. Think about it: how can you be the real you when you are preoccupied with impressing people or having them like you? You can’t! That’s not to say you aren’t mindful of how you might be perceived nor that you act in ways that are disrespectful to those around you, but rather that you don’t allow others’ opinions (or perceived opinions) define who we will be or keep you from being real. [...]

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So often when I hear people complaining,  feeling upset about something (or someone!), or overwhelmed with all that they have on their plate, I can quickly spot a request that they could be making that they aren’t.  Asking someone to do something (or to stop doing something) can take courage because you put yourself at risk of rejection, disappointment, and hurt.  But unless you are willing to ask for what you really want, then you have no chance of getting it as I shared on my recent interview on Better TV. 

Here are 6 keys to making bigger and better requests. My request of you is that you actually step outside your comfort zone today and make a request… the worst thing that can happen is that you find yourself exactly where you started! Go on now… be courageous!

1. Don’t assume others are mind readers. We often assume our husbands, bosses, friends and even work colleagues are mind readers and when they don’t act as we’d like, we wind up resentful and upset. For any relationship to thrive both parties have to take responsibility for communicating their needs. Hints just don’t cut it. Whether it’s how you’d like your partner to engage in foreplay, or how you’d like your colleague to communicate with you about a project at work, it’s crucial to be assertive in conveying your wants and needs.

2. Be specific about what you want and when you want it. Asking someone to do something for you “when they get a chance” is a recipe for unmet expectations, frustration and hurt. For a request to hold any water it needs to specify not just what you’d like, but also the time frame in which you want it done. That is, a “what” and a “when.”  My beloved husband has learnt to do this very well, “Margie, when you borrow my car could you  at least please stop parking my car half way out of the garage?”  [...]

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I recently read that 60% of Americans lose their temper at least once per week. I’d like to tell you I wasn’t in that number but alas, my kids would tell you otherwise.

Of course losing our temper is what happens when we fail to keep our anger in check. Something (or someone) pushes our buttons and, unable to contain our anger, we explode. The result is never pretty. Last week I was asked to talk about anger on Better TV. Despite my occasional outbursts at my kids I wouldn’t say I am a particularly angry person. Which got me thinking, why are some people constantly angry while others seem perpetually serene and calm? And for the majority of us who fall somewhere in the middle, how can we process the emotion of anger in more constructive ways?

First let me repeat what I wrote in my book Find Your Courage. Anger, on its own, is neither good nor bad. Rather it’s a natural emotion that arises when we perceive an injustice to ourselves or others. The problem does not arise when we have anger. It arises when anger has us. It’s how we respond to it that determines whether it is helpful to our relationships (by addressing valid issues that threaten to undermine them) and good for society (by working to end injustice)  – or damaging to our relationships, destructive to our circumstances and plain old bad for our health (think heart disease, depression, ulcers…I’d go on but it doesn’t get better!). In other words, our response to anger ultimately creates more suffering for us and others, or less. It all hinges on how we process and express it.

Learning to manage anger isn’t easy. It takes a heightened level of self-awareness, a good dose of discipline and a robust commitment to [...]

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Growing up in Australia, my only experience of Thanksgiving was through American television. Somehow it seemed a lot like Christmas. . . except of course without Santa. Having lived in America now over eight years I’ve come to really love the Thanksgiving holiday. The idea that the last Thursday of November each year is put aside so that people can come together and share thanks for their blessings is, I believe, an incredibly special and valuable tradition.

Of course Thanksgiving, and the festive season it kicks off, can be a very stressful time for many people. The Martha Stewart-like images of happy families, dressed in the lastest holiday fashion, sitting around a decadently decorated table feasting joyfully on gourmet delights, create expectations that can never measure up to reality. Then again, can reality ever measure up to glossy magazine covers? The impact it can have is to leave people feeling like something is missing from their lives. Instead of feeling gratitude for all the goodness present in our lives, many of us find ourselves feeling sad and resentful for all that is missing. . . whether it be someone else to host Thanksgiving lunch, relatives who don’t drive us crazy or a lack of resources to recreate that magazine cover in reality.

So my challenge to you this Thanksgiving holiday (and for those of you not in the US, this festive season in general) is to let go all your expectations about how it “should be” and instead to embrace the circumstances you find yourself in for all that they are, and for all that they aren’t. [...]

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Every day we find ourselves having to work through issues that come up in our relationships. Whether it be a difficult boss who seems to be devoid of management skills or a colleague on a school committee who dominates conversation (getting everyone off track in the process), opportunities to express your concerns or opinions are never too far away.

Sometimes we make the assessment that it’s really not worth our energy to put an issue on the table. We decide instead to just work around the issue or the person. But other times we do need to speak up and assert ourselves. Of course there is always some risk involved with that – risk of an awkward conversation, of causing offense, ruffling feathers or being criticized ourselves – but the question is, what’s the cost to you when you don’t speak up?

If there is something you genuinely want to say, chances are there is someone who genuinely needs to hear it.

Next Friday is my 16th wedding anniversary with my wonderful husband Andrew (yes, I know you are  thinking “how can a twenty-something woman be married that long?”). If there is one crucial lesson I learned very early on in our relationship, it’s that if there is something on my mind that is causing me to feel upset in some way, however insignificant or petty I think it is, then it’s crucial to find a way to share it in a way that doesn’t lay blame, but lays it on the table. . . to discuss and to resolve. It’s also my professional experience that when an issue is causing a person some grief (whether frustration or resentment) and there is something they genuinely want to say, then chances are there is someone who genuinely needs to hear it.

While being interviewed on a local TV station last week, the conversation ended up on just this topic (as I’ve begun to learn, whatever topic I prepare for an interview, it always heads another direction). Click here to watch that interview. There are obviously a lot of nuances that need to be taken into account before embarking on what I call a “courageous conversation” — too many for the interview and too many for this newsletter. But one important thing you must always think about before entering into a sensitive or difficult conversation (or with a sensitive or difficult person!) is to first identify the highest intention you have for the conversation. What is it that you are ultimately hoping to achieve from it that will serve both you and the person you are speaking to? [...]

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As you read the title of this post perhaps you were thinking “umm… I don’t know… could I?”. If that was the case for you then I want you to begin by thinking about something in your life that is not how you would like it to be right now: a person who is annoying you, a situation which is causing you to feel overwhelmed or frustrated or unappreciated, something you would like but aren’t getting. It doesn’t have to be something huge…  but it might be! The only criterion is that it’s something that isn’t the way you would ideally like it to be.

Now think about what specifically it is in regard to this “issue” that you would need to be different for you to feel better about it; or put another way, for there to be no issue at all.

Finally, ask yourself whether or not you have made a clear request to have this need fulfilled?

My experience is that often [...]

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It’s what we look for in our leaders. What we hope for in our politicians. What we expect from our spouse and what we struggle with throughout our life. Integrity.

What does it mean to you? Have you thought about it? I know when I speak to different people everyone has their own idea of what it means. . . from being honest in your business dealings to not cheating on your tax return (or your spouse!).  But integrity goes way beyond being a good law-abiding citizen.  At its core, integrity is about having alignment between what you know is the right thing to do and what you are doing; between who you aspire to be, and who you are being. I’m all about people thinking big in life.  However, unless your actions are backed by a solid foundation of integrity, they will fail to produce the results you really want. Of course being the infallible human beings that we are, we often slip up. We tell a lie or fail to tell the truth, we make a mistake and try to cover it up, we treat someone poorly, we stay silent when we see someone else treated poorly. . . ahh, if only it were easy to always live with integrity. Needless to say, I’m not here to make you feel bad about those times you sell out or be dishonest (with yourself or others). Rather I just want to challenge you to address any areas of your life in which integrity might be. . . well. . .compromised. It could be: [...]

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First up, if you’d like to watch a TV interview I did in on NBC Philadelphia on Wednesday go to this link (full link at the bottom of this post). It was my first interview with a life studio audience which was a real hoot! (I swear I’m coming back as Oprah in my next life)

During the interview I was asked about why it takes courage to say No. Which was ironic given that I’m just finishing the busiest few months of my life in which I’ve had to [...]

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Earlier this week I was speaking to a woman who had just gone through an acrimonious divorce. She shared how she felt completely bruised and battered by the process of ending her 8 year marriage and that while she knew that the future was her own making, she felt really unclear about what she was going to make of it. Her self-esteem had taken a beating. Needless to say, she wasn’t feeling very powerful. I suggested that she think about the character traits that would describe the kind of woman she would like to be – her “ideal self” – in the face of the challenges she was dealing with. I also suggested that she write down how that ‘ideal self’ would see the world and in particular, how that ‘ideal self’ would step forward to rise to her current challenges.

The next day, she emailed me to tell me what a powerful and empowering exercise it was. She shared that she’d written down how she’d like to be more courageous, more confident, more assertive, passionate and self-assured. If she was being all those things she knew that she’d focus in on what she cared about the most, she’d stop getting upset by the things her now ex-husband had said, she’d get herself a bright new handbag that she’d carry to bright new places, that she would call up some old friends and do some of the things she’d been wanting to do for years but never gotten around to. She’d also quit worrying about what everyone thought of her.

Which begs the question — if you were being the courageous version of yourself, the “you” that didn’t give in to self-doubt and cynicism, resignation or procrastination and that held fast to the belief that you could change those aspects of your life that you didn’t like, what would you do?

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