“To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best to make you everybody but yourself means to fight the hardest battle any human being can fight – and to never stop.” – e.e. cummings
If you didn’t need to prove yourself to anyone nor care whether people “approved” of you, how would you be different?
Daniel Goleman’s research in Emotional Intelligence found that we human beings are wired for connection. We not only want to belong, we need to belong, and so we are at our best when we feel connected to those around us. We like to be appreciated, enjoy admiration and crave to feel significant in the hearts and minds of those around us. Too often though, in our quest to feel significant, we forfeit expressing our individuality, limit our vulnerability and don a mask intended to garner greater admiration and ward off the possibility of rejection. In the process we lose touch with what makes us special, disconnect from authenticity and give up what makes us someone who others feel they can really connect to.
As we let go striving for approval and courageously embrace our vulnerability, we grow into the uniquely one-of-a-kind person we really are.
The irony is that the less we strive to have people to like us, the more they actually do. As we let go striving to get the approval and learn to sit with our vulnerability, we grow into the person we really are. In a world that has so much focus on the superficial, people crave authenticity, yearn for ‘realness,’ and can’t help but find themselves seeking the company of those who are comfortable in their own skin. And if you are someone who is in a position of leadership, authenticity makes you so much more approachable, trusted and influential. People trust people who can share their struggles, their doubts, their fears, their hopes and their heartaches; people who don’t need to prove their superiority, their success or their significance in any way.
“To be oneself is more admirable that the easy cowardice of surrender to conformity” – Irving Wallace
In Zen Buddhism they speak of living with one’s “original face.” Buddhists describe our “original face” as being relaxed, without tension, free of pretension, devoid of masks, or airs and graces of superficiality. And so your “original face” is the one that shines through when you find your courage to embrace the one-of-a-kind imperfect human being that you are, however vulnerable that makes you feel. As Brene Brown wrote in her book “The Gifts of Imperfection,” “ordinary courage is about putting our vulnerability on the line.”
Refusing to conform isn’t always easy. We have to accept that some people may not like us. Some may criticize us. And some may reject us outright. Full self-expression demands vulnerability. But it’s through vulnerability that we connect most deeply. Whether as leaders or lovers or strugglers just hoping to know more joy and connect more deeply, there is so much to gain by dropping the mask, letting go our fear of “not being good enough,” and accepting that who we are is always “good enough.” Always.
So I would like you to ask yourself these two questions and reflect on the answer that comes back to you:
i) If I were to let go of the need to prove my worthiness and my fear of not being “good enough,” how would I show up differently in the world?
ii) What mask am I most afraid to put down? Why?
iii) How has wearing this mask impacted my life?
Mother Teresa, a woman respected the world over for her courage and total lack of pretension, once said, “Honesty and transparency make you vulnerable. Be honest and transparent anyway.” Or to quote from a slightly more quirky character, Dr. Seuss: Be who you are. Because those who mind don’t matter. And those who matter don’t mind.
Stay real. The world needs more people with the courage to be who they are.
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Thanks for your comment Cindy. There is no greater freedom than the freedom to express ourselves fully.
Thank you for this article as a reminder: I am slowing showing the world the real me and discovering being authentic feels so much better than the mask. Albeit we are encouraged to wear the mask by well meaning family, friends, society, businesses, even the country.
Women are especially pressured to conform. I like your articles because you mentor me back to the realization of having the courage to be myself, seek the company of other brave women who are authentic, and in the process finding a new passion for helping others.
The article also provides solid context to pass on to others. Thank you Margie
Thanks for all your comments everyone. To quote Dr Suess.
Be who you are.
Because those who matter don't mind.
And those who mind, don't matter!
Warmly, Margie
Thank you Margie! You are so right! I realized a year ago that I really don't like the person that I am anymore, and have set about finding the me that I feel I lost a long time ago. This blog further opened my eyes to see that the reason that I didn't like myself was because I was trying to live up to everyone's expectations of who I am SUPPOSED to be. It has been very smothering, but I am on a my way to a better and healthier life! Thank you so much!
Hi Jackie, Not sure if you ever read my book Find Your Courage, but if not, you will get a lot of value from the chapter entitled "The Courage to Be Yourself". I really encoiurage you to read it… then live it!
I loved this article. There is nothing more important than being the "Real You". The real you has so much more to give the world then a made up artifical version. We all know you get more nutritional benefits from "whole" and "organic" foods. The same is true in our relationships with other.
So true Tracey. Great analogy. How can we be wholehearted in the world, if we aren't being wholly who we are?!
Your comments are always welcomed at just the right moment.
I’m so glad daughter, Linda, has shared your column over the past months. In dealings I have had this past year, it is refreshing to know that my thoughts and ramblings are not so far off base as friends sometimes tell me are way out there for today’s world. It is good to know I am “not off my rocker” when it comes to expressing myself.
Now, to improve in areas in which I have not fully arrived is the next step for tomorrow. Today, “it is well with my soul.” He helps it all come together. You are an extra blessing.
Thanks,
Betsy
Hi Betsy,
When people react to you expressing yourself in your own unique way, it generally says a lot more about them (and their fear of what people might think of them) than it does about you!
No i'm sure you are "not off your rocker". And if you are, well at least I hope that you enjoy being so!
Stay you!