Margie Warrell

I’m currently back in Australia which is in the midst of a federal election campaign. Last week Australia’s Prime Minister Julia Gillard, who deposed her former boss Kevin Rudd in June and has had anything but a smooth campaign to date, announced that from here on in the Australian people would see the “real Julia.” Frankly, I was quite surprised by her comment which left me, and I assume many Australians, wondering who we had seen up until now if it was not the “real Julia.”

Of course there are many traits we want from our leaders — political, corporate and otherwise. Intelligence, hard work, common sense, integrity, empathy, humility, decisiveness, and the list goes on. But what we all crave is for them to be authentic, genuine… real. And when it is absent (or perceived as lacking), it can profoundly damage trust and diminish their ability to exert the influence, and create the positive change, needed of them as leaders.

Reflecting on the backlash Julia Gillard received this last week for her comments, it made me think about the bigger lesson here for all of us, regardless of our politics or leadership aspirations. Obviously there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting to fit in, to be liked, approved of, or “look good” in the eyes of others. You and I are, after all, only human. However, if your desire to achieve this comes at the expense of expressing who you really are — no smoke and mirrors or custom-designed masks – or requires selling out on a core value in some way, then it comes at a steep personal price. Think about it: how can you be the real you when you are preoccupied with impressing people or having them like you? You can’t! That’s not to say you aren’t mindful of how you might be perceived nor that you act in ways that are disrespectful to those around you, but rather that you don’t allow others’ opinions (or perceived opinions) define who we will be or keep you from being real. [...]

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Times are tough and many people are struggling to stay optimistic given the state of the economy, the insecurity of their jobs (if they have one), the size of their mortgage and the strain that puts on relationships at home. Maybe you are one of them or maybe you know someone else who is having it tough.

But just because we can find lots of reasons for feeling down and becoming a bona fide pessimist doesn’t mean that we should. The fact is, optimism creates opportunity and pessimism kills it. Expecting good things to happen will lead to taking actions that produce positive results. Expecting only more bad stuff to come your way will keep you from doing the very things that might have minimized or avoided just that!

The word “optimism” actually derives from the Latin word “optima,” meaning the best outcome or belief in the greatest good. As I said during my recent interview on the TODAY SHOW, while some people are naturally more optimistic than others, ultimately we all get to wake up every day and choose whether we are going to be a glass half-full, or a glass half-empty person.

Below are 7 strategies for filling up your cup of optimism. My challenge to you is to try at least one of these and notice the difference it makes to your outlook and your life.

1.  SET YOUR INTENTION

 Before you step out of bed (and if you forget, before you leave your home) take one minute to set your intention for the day by coming up with one word that resonates with you about the attitude or spirit you want to bring to the day. Being intentional acts like a compass and helps you better focus your time and energy. For instance, if you’ve been looking for work but have found yourself stuck in a rut and procrastinating, you might choose to be proactive and set yourself a goal of making at least 5 calls/emails today to follow up on job leads and opportunities. The intention you choose will vary according to the challenges you are facing.

QUESTION: What is your intention for the rest of today? To be more assertive, organized, focused, tenacious, self-reliant, resourceful, determined, persistent or patient?

2. PERFORM AN ACT OF COURAGE

Often the very thing we need to improve our circumstances requires courage. That is, closing the gap between where you are now and where you would like to be in life will require stepping outside your comfort zone and doing something that scares you in some way. It could be picking up the phone to invite someone to dinner, attending an exercise class or having a conversation with your boss about an issue that’s been upsetting you. There is no better way to build self-confidence than doing something that stretches you as it teaches you that you are capable of more than you thought you were.

QUESTION: What would you do today if you had no fear of failing or looking foolish? [...]

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So often when I hear people complaining,  feeling upset about something (or someone!), or overwhelmed with all that they have on their plate, I can quickly spot a request that they could be making that they aren’t.  Asking someone to do something (or to stop doing something) can take courage because you put yourself at risk of rejection, disappointment, and hurt.  But unless you are willing to ask for what you really want, then you have no chance of getting it as I shared on my recent interview on Better TV. 

Here are 6 keys to making bigger and better requests. My request of you is that you actually step outside your comfort zone today and make a request… the worst thing that can happen is that you find yourself exactly where you started! Go on now… be courageous!

1. Don’t assume others are mind readers. We often assume our husbands, bosses, friends and even work colleagues are mind readers and when they don’t act as we’d like, we wind up resentful and upset. For any relationship to thrive both parties have to take responsibility for communicating their needs. Hints just don’t cut it. Whether it’s how you’d like your partner to engage in foreplay, or how you’d like your colleague to communicate with you about a project at work, it’s crucial to be assertive in conveying your wants and needs.

2. Be specific about what you want and when you want it. Asking someone to do something for you “when they get a chance” is a recipe for unmet expectations, frustration and hurt. For a request to hold any water it needs to specify not just what you’d like, but also the time frame in which you want it done. That is, a “what” and a “when.”  My beloved husband has learnt to do this very well, “Margie, when you borrow my car could you  at least please stop parking my car half way out of the garage?”  [...]

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As you know, I’m all about thinking bigger – about ourselves, about our problems and about what we are capable of in life.

Yesterday morning an old friend told me that Oprah is running a competition to see who she will sponsor to host a talk show on her new Oprah Winfrey Network when she steps down next year.  With thousands of people already with their hat in the ring, some with over a million votes (yes, this is a popularity contest like American Idol!) I immediately came up with a dozen reasons why I shouldn’t bother. Every one was driven by fear – fear of looking foolish, fear of failing, fear of you thinking I’m kidding myself for even trying, fear of wasting my precious time. But I’m pleased to say I caught myself midstream.  How wimpy of me to let my fears keep me from daring to try.  So while the odds are stacked high against me, I’ve decided to throw my hat into the ring anyway.

What I need now is for you to send a vote my way and share this link with your network to stand a chance. But, as a believer in the power of possibility, I am going to put myself out there. As much as I would love the opportunity to share my message with a few gazillion more people than I do right now, what is more important to me than the outcome is the knowledge that I at least gave it a go. Whatever happens, I will always be able to look back and know that I gave it my best.  To me that is what success is ultimately all about, doing the best you can with what you have been given. Whether we achieve our goals and dreams isn’t as important as the fact that we had the courage to pursue them.

PLEASE VOTE FOR ME NOW:
http://bit.ly/DreamBIGOprah

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You’d have to be living in a cave the last month not to be aware of the growing environmental disaster caused by an explosion on a BP oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico. Having a long-held fondness for the company that gave me my first “real job” as a Graduate Trainee in their Australian head office, I couldn’t help but feel some level of sympathy for my old colleagues who still work for BP. Having your company dragged through the mud in the media, even if it is for good reason, is not an enjoyable experience.

It’s been many years since I playfully fought my then-boyfriend (now husband), who worked for Mobil Oil, about which gas station we should fill up in (me claiming BP’s were far more attractive, him convinced that Mobil’s were better quality underneath the glam). It has also been many years since BP transformed those initials from British Petroleum into Beyond Petroleum… ah the irony.

Of course none of us are yet certain about the exact chain of events that culminated in the explosion in the Gulf of Mexico last month. What I am fairly certain of is that there was an absence of effective leadership, communication and accountability. I also think there are valuable lessons we can all take from this situation and apply in our own workplaces and relationships.

We humans share an instinctive desire for self-preservation and an innate aversion to situations that might be emotionally uncomfortable. In an organizational setting this can drive employees to “play safe” and avoid crucial conversations about [...]

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Terrorism, recession, identity theft, melting ice caps, corporate downsizing, child predators, online predators, super bug predators . . . every day the headlines scream at us to batten down the hatches, sanitize our hands, our minds, our voices and avoid any possibility of rocking our boat or the boats of others. We live in a culture of fear that urges us to avoid change, trust sparingly, stick with the status quo (however miserable) and minimize all risk of failure or social embarrassment.

It’s for this same reason that you need to be increasingly vigilant of the fears that arise in you, discerning about which fears you pay heed to and mindful of the oppressive impact giving them power can have.

And if you don’t? Well. . . I hate to be the bearer of bad news but. . .

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My brother, Peter, with my kids

Forgive me if this post is a little raw. Life has been raw for me these last couple weeks.

My youngest brother Peter died just over two weeks ago and I’ve been living life at its rawest ever since.

Pete, who was 31, suffered from schizophrenia for the last ten years. All mental illnesses cause enormous suffering for those who have them and incredible heartache and angst for those who love them. Peter, number 6 of the 7 kids in my family, was very loved by our family and we all did the very best we could, each in our own way, to help him. Over the last decade, as Pete returned to hospital again and again, his dreams crashed to earth, his enjoyment of life disappeared and his hopes of ever living a fulfilling life gave way to severe paranoia, to ceaseless torment, to despair and, on Good Friday, to death.

As I type these words I am sitting on a plane high above the Pacific returning back to America from Australia where I’ve shed more tears with my family than I thought were possible. But in the midst of our sorrow, we have laughed at the fun times we shared with Peter — his boyish pranks, his humor, his brilliant athleticism and charm. We have been lifted up by the extraordinary outpouring of love from friends, family and community, near and far. We have savored the rich bonds of love that come to the fore during times of heartache. It has been a deeply moving, and extremely touching, two weeks. 

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I recently read that 60% of Americans lose their temper at least once per week. I’d like to tell you I wasn’t in that number but alas, my kids would tell you otherwise.

Of course losing our temper is what happens when we fail to keep our anger in check. Something (or someone) pushes our buttons and, unable to contain our anger, we explode. The result is never pretty. Last week I was asked to talk about anger on Better TV. Despite my occasional outbursts at my kids I wouldn’t say I am a particularly angry person. Which got me thinking, why are some people constantly angry while others seem perpetually serene and calm? And for the majority of us who fall somewhere in the middle, how can we process the emotion of anger in more constructive ways?

First let me repeat what I wrote in my book Find Your Courage. Anger, on its own, is neither good nor bad. Rather it’s a natural emotion that arises when we perceive an injustice to ourselves or others. The problem does not arise when we have anger. It arises when anger has us. It’s how we respond to it that determines whether it is helpful to our relationships (by addressing valid issues that threaten to undermine them) and good for society (by working to end injustice)  – or damaging to our relationships, destructive to our circumstances and plain old bad for our health (think heart disease, depression, ulcers…I’d go on but it doesn’t get better!). In other words, our response to anger ultimately creates more suffering for us and others, or less. It all hinges on how we process and express it.

Learning to manage anger isn’t easy. It takes a heightened level of self-awareness, a good dose of discipline and a robust commitment to [...]

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Submitted by Vinoth on 2/9/10

I truly accept your front line heading “Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.” Coming from a small town in India , I have always been brought up saying speaking our heart is not good manners and does not align with the society. Coming from such a background I have always been introverted and was unable to speak my heart. The one thing that I lacked was courage to live my life as I was living others’ lives. After reading your book and a host of other books I have done the following things which I would not have done earlier.

I spoke with my boss regarding the way I feel. I knew very well by speaking it out I was pointing a straight finger at him and risked losing my job. I knew I was speaking the truth which is always hard but at least speaking my heart out made me feel better and helped improve my self -esteem. In fact things have improved 100% better.

I always believed in dreaming big and achieving big but again my background proved to be a hindrance due to financial pressures and other commitments but that did not stop me from dreaming big and I have written journals and am a Guest Editor of a springer journal for 2010. I have started doing my Ph.D. in Information Systems and have started believing that the world listens to good thoughts and always big dreams coupled with the right strategy and hard work will bring wonders. [...]

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Submitted by Judy 2/9/10

My story starts last Feb when an old friend from 35 years ago found me through my sister’s classmates site. We emailed for a few times then on Valentine’s Day he called for the first time.

Keith lived in S. Jersey and I here in Baltiimore. We finally met up May 16th last year when I drove up for the day. As I tell Keith, he had me from the first hug (as there was already pre-chemistry before we met).

As I said it had been 35 yrs since we had seen each other, so we had a lot of catching up to do.

I was recently divorced after a 28 year marraige and 7 kids. He had also been married and in another relationship that each produced a child.

Where my courage comes in is the rest of the story.

We spent the whole day together and decided to go forward with our relationship. Prior to meeting up again, I found out some things about Keith, he had been living a pretty “wild” life up to this time. He had spent time in prison and had been involved with drugs and alcohol for most of his life. [...]

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